Local Marine recruiter fist fights Matt Gaetz over high school senior
PENSACOLA, Fla. — A fight broke out yesterday outside of Pine Forest High School between Marine recruiter Sgt. Bayago Galvan and former Florida representative Matt Gaetz. Based on security footage from the school, Gaetz threw the first punch, but Galvan quickly followed with a swift right uppercut to Gaetz’s incredibly punchable jaw.
Accounts differ as to what was said or done to make Congressman, former Attorney General nominee, and accused sex trafficker Matt Gaetz so angry at the Marine recruiter. But all agree it had something to do with the attention of high school senior Melanie Flores.
“I hate drag queens doing storytime, trying to recruit our kids into the book-reading woke mob,” said Gina Flores, Melanie’s mother, who was there when the fight broke out. “But I don’t mind Sgt. Galvan being here because I know he will keep my baby safe.”
“Still, I have no idea why my former Congressman was here in a red convertible Mercedes,” The elder Flores pondered. “Wait… Is this the ‘Mattie’ she kept saying she was hanging out with? I thought Mattie was a girl… and like seventeen. Oh geez, it all makes sense now!”
Sgt. Galvan explained the day’s events from his point of view.
“I was talking to Poolee Flores about her future in the Corps,” Galvan recalled. “She is a student-athlete with good grades, so she could basically take her pick of MOSs. Sure, I may still make her a waterdog if the quotas call for it, but she is a great get for the Marines.”
Galvan then dramatically recounted his fight with Gaetz.
“I was telling her that since her mom was there, we could sign all the paperwork for her to become a Marine right then and there. Then, out of nowhere, Gaetz speeds into the school parking lot in his red convertible, doing spin burn out like an 80’s movie villain, jumps out of his car and screams at me to get away from his ‘girlfriend’. I was shocked. I mean, yes, I also wanted to ‘fuck’ this high school senior, but in a strictly professional sense… not in a sexual way.”
Gaetz then threw a punch at Galvan, which was quickly met with an MCMAP entry-level move, leaving Gaetz gravely injured and vowing revenge.
Gaetz was asked for his statement, but speaking was difficult as his mouth was swollen shut. Meanwhile, a roving band of lawyers who work for Gaetz in a “damage control” capacity quickly arrived at the scene. They encouraged Gaetz to say nothing and to get more than 100 yards from all the students immediately.
Gray Sea Liu is a former Naval Officer, current smart ass.