The Perks of Sober Dating

Dry January is an opportunity to evaluate your relationship to alcohol. The idea is to abstain from alcohol for the entire month, then decide if you want to go back to your regular drinking habits, drink less, or not at all for the remainder of the year. With the recent discussion in the U.S. of adding cancer warning labels to alcoholic beverages and increased interest in non-alcoholic alternatives to drinking, many Americans may be moved to reevaluate their existing drinking habits more closely this year.

While many participate in Dry January for health reasons or as a reset after the boozy holidays, some might find it impacts their social interactions in unexpected ways—namely, it impacts how they date.

It might feel like a shock to the system at first. So much of dating is linked to drinking culture, from meeting for happy hour “getting to know you” cocktails to using alcohol as a social lubricant at parties and easing the nerves of a hookup. It can be jarring to not have alcohol as a go-to option. But for the 25% of Americans who participate in Dry January annually, it might be a chance to reset the drinking expectations for yourself and your dating life.

Most of us think of alcohol as a social activity that loosens inhibitions, making it an easy wingman for potentially awkward dates. Research has shown that alcohol has a “tendency to free individuals from preoccupation with social rejection, allowing them to access social rewards.” That can come in handy when navigating fear of rejection and taking risks like asking someone out or inviting them to stay the night. That can come in handy when navigating fear of rejection and taking risks like asking someone out.

Moderate drinking is also thought to create a more comfortable mood for sex. Think about any James Bond movie where a love interest is invited over for a tryst: They are almost always offered an alcoholic beverage as part of the romantic unfolding of events.

The truth is, we have woven drinking into so many social aspects of our lives that we often don’t even question why we do it. Sober dating can give you the chance to ask yourself if alcohol is actually helpful (or unhelpful) when fostering relationships.

Read More: 3 Dating New Year’s Resolutions You Can Actually Feel Good About

In fact, how do you know when you’re relying too heavily on alcohol to help numb or overcome some of the common feelings associated with dating? One way is to notice how hard it is for you to go about dating without using alcohol to smooth over the emotionally rougher parts.

It can be surprising what feelings surface when alcohol isn’t part of the dating equation. You might feel more anxious, insecure, or even scared because alcohol isn’t there to tamp down these feelings. All of this is normal and worth going through to see how you can manage these emotions in other ways, perhaps through meditation, grounding exercises, and self care.

When I work with clients who are either sober, or choosing to abstain from alcohol for a period of time, they tell me how difficult it is to navigate dating. They feel uneasy telling prospective dates that they don’t drink or suggesting a non-alcohol based date. We work together to strategize ways for them to move more freely throughout the dating process. Whether that’s stating up-front in their dating profile that they’re sober or sharing that early on with their dates. We also discuss what they really want from dating and how that might be different from what they were looking for when they drank alcohol. For instance, some clients have found that as a sober dater, they are more interested in connecting with people they date on a much deeper level, regardless of whether it’s casual or long-term. They’re also less comfortable with intense, brief encounters and notice that without alcohol, they need more time with someone to open up and feel like they’ve established trust.

Some of my sober clients fear that their sobriety will limit the people who will want to date them, and I always encourage them to think of this as a positive, not a negative. If you’re exploring sober dating and considering making sobriety (or even reducing your alcohol consumption) a long-term plan, you will want to date people who understand that choice no matter why you’re making it. It’s okay to screen for other sober people. In fact, I have seen my sober clients get along better with others who were either never that into drinking alcohol, are sober, or sober-curious, like those who participate in Dry January.

Taking stock of your drinking and how it impacts your love life isn’t easy, but it’s much easier these days due to Gen Z’s interest in the non-alcoholic (NA) lifestyle. Over the last few years, there has been an increase in demand for low ABV and NA drinks to the point where bars have had to expand their non-alcoholic offerings. This trend helps reduce the stigma associated with sobriety and limiting one’s alcohol consumption. It also means there are more options for non-drinkers at places that serve alcohol.

Dry January is the perfect time to look at how your dating life has been shaped by alcohol and decide whether or not you’d like that to change. As you explore how sober dating feels, consider the many ways you can either engage with alcohol differently in the future, or add in other ways to cope with the stress and anxiety of dating. It is human to want to limit the amount of awkwardness we feel in social situations, but so much can be gained by experiencing life’s imperfect moments with a clear head.

Whether you decide to change your drinking habits or not after the month is up, sober dating will allow you to experience how dating feels without the buffer of alcohol—and whether that cocktail is really the wingman we thought it to be.