Dear Abby: Niece names baby after my horrible, abusive stepfather
DEAR ABBY: I have one sister and three younger half-sisters, all of whom I love. Recently, two of my nieces, the daughters of one of my half-sisters, gave birth within months of each other. Both decided to name their babies after their grandparents. One was named after my stepfather, which left me dismayed because I do not love or respect him. In fact, I hate him.
My stepfather was an alcoholic who molested my sister and was physically abusive to me when we were growing up. Yet he was loving and protective of his own daughters, my half-sisters. I don't believe my nieces are aware of this. My stepfather died before my nieces were born, so they never knew him.
I truly cannot bear to call the baby by his given name. I kept this to myself, but my sister noticed that I avoid using the baby's name and has confided in me the very same feelings. If she noticed, perhaps my half-sisters have noticed as well.
I don't want this to end up causing a family rift, but when I hear somebody use the name, I literally start to shake. I thought my stepfather was out of my life forever when he died. How should my sister and I deal with this? Can we make up our own nickname? Currently we both refer to the baby simply as "Baby." — NAME-HATER IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR NAME-HATER: Yes, you certainly can do that, and you could also tell your half-sisters and the nieces the reason why. Beyond that, make an effort to move past this. If you and your sister haven't received counseling for the abuse you endured from your late stepfather, it may help.
DEAR ABBY: Fifteen years ago, after six years of marriage, my husband and I moved 3,000 miles away from everyone I knew. I wasn't in favor of the move and never felt at home in the new city, but I tried to make the best of it. We struggled financially the entire time because of the recession and our large mortgage. I met some nice people but made only one real friend, who I'll call "Gayle."
Three years ago, I convinced my husband we should move somewhere else so we could retire and be more financially secure. We compromised, but it is still far from my old hometown. I have tried hard to stay connected to Gayle. When I reach out to her, she responds, but usually with only a few sentences and often complaining about her own circumstances. She never reaches out to me or asks about me and never tries to extend the conversation.
I know from experience that Gayle's not happy, and I worry because I think she might be drinking too much. I'm sad that she doesn't seem to want to stay connected, but it's painful to keep reaching out and getting so little back. I'm tired of trying but unsure if I should tell her how I feel or just give up. Please advise. — LONELY AND FAR FROM HOME
DEAR LONELY: Some relationships are situational. You can't do all the work of maintaining a long-distance friendship if Gayle isn't willing to put forth some effort. All you will get is more frustration.
You have referred twice in your letter to your original hometown, but if you were to visit there, you might find that your old friends have moved on in their lives and the period of life you yearn for cannot be replicated. That's why it may be time to devote your energy to starting new activities in your new community. From that will come new relationships and possibly new friendships.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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