[Two Pronged] One or the other: Joanna or Mabel?
Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.
Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.
Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.
Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,
In 2012, I’d just broken up with Shona, my first girlfriend after my 2006 divorce. I had taken a 6-month sabbatical from my US job to come to Manila to determine if she was THE one. She wasn’t ready for a lifetime partnership with me.
In comes Joanna. I had one month left in the Philippines before my sabbatical ended. “So what was there to lose?” I asked myself. Maybe this new relationship was a blessing in disguise.
We hit it off immediately! Everyday we saw each other: Great sex. Good rapport, great times dancing, dining, laughing. Truly a wonderful person: Kind, generous, giving!
Joanna and I had an long-distance relationship after: Viber calls, brief trips in Manila or Europe. We’d planned for her to visit me in San Francisco, then fly to New York where she could see snow for the first time.
But over Viber she argued about my not being sufficiently committed to her. She demanded a firm commitment that she can show her family. I couldn’t. I felt I wasn’t ready yet. She was furious. She said she wasn’t going to San Francisco if I wasn’t ready to commit.
That’s kind of how we broke it off. All the flight fares and hotel reservations — non refundable.
In retrospect, I was probably still feeling the breakup of my Shona relationship. I wasn’t ready to commit. Could my relationship with Joanna just be a rebound because of Shona?
Joanna and I continued to be friends.
When I’d be in Manila I saw her, bringing pasalubong (gifts) of chocolate, etc.
Mabel is my current girlfriend. We first re-met via Facebook; she is my former classmate. She lives in a suburb 2 hours away from San Francisco.
We settled into a steady relationship: Sunday masses, weekend visits, short trips abroad.
I prayed this was truly meant for me. Nothing earthshaking, just quiet, simple togetherness.
But years after, she felt (our) fornication was unacceptable in the eyes of God. I lost interest in being intimate because of that. It’s been a few years now.
I realized intimacy is indeed a powerful component of a firm relationship. I don’t have that. Something’s missing.
In the last couple of years, my attention shifted towards Joanna.
Right now, I’d rather be with Joanna than with Mabel. Mabel has no clue.
I told Joanna about my feelings. What she doesn’t know is my non-intimacy with Mabel now.
Joanna told me point blank she won’t come back to me if I’m still with Mabel. My problem: No valid reason to break up with Mabel. I want to be back with Joanna. But Mabel would be devastated if I did, and I don’t know if I could live with that.
That’s the dilemma I have: Can’t break up with Mabel, can’t have Joanna. Both will suffer which direction I go.
These past few years when I’ve been celibate, I always fantasize being with Joanna! I know that the carnal pleasure will be fantastic for both of us.
Do I want a simple friendship with Mabel, or a more complete companionship with Joanna? I just can’t figure out how to break up with Mabel.
– Nate
Dear Nate:
Yours seems a story of bad timing and failure to commit: with Shona, you were ready but she wasn’t; with Joanna, she was ready but you weren’t; with Mabel, maybe you were both more or less ready but then her religion came between you. Now you ask: “Do I want a life of simple friendship with Mabel, or a more complete companionship with Joanna?”
Most people would not have difficulty with this question and it is certainly not clear why you don’t simply choose Joanna, whom you yourself tell us is the real deal.
Ask yourself why you wouldn’t commit to her when everything was going so well and why you are still undecided. I find it unlikely that it was just because you didn’t want to break with Mabel, especially after she decided that fornication wasn’t for her.
But you then embraced celibacy rather than rekindled the complete relationship you had with Joanna. Why?
You seem to appreciate sex and intimacy but when it is available, you balk. Do you have commitment issues? Or perhaps you simply enjoy having multiple women on the go and have an active imagination? Or even have “issues” with women when you say things like “In comes Joanna” and “Mabel has no clue”? Some serious self-analysis is called for, perhaps with the assistance of a therapist.
All the best – JAFBaer
Dear NATE:
Thank you very VERY much for writing a long enough letter (even if we’d already summarized it by 2/3, with your permission) that I have, if we start at this point, only 275 words to complete my answer and stick to our goal of 1,000 words per column. Thus my answer will be short yet won’t be considered unkind because we all understand I had no more space to soften it.
So, here goes:
Nate love, You are God-fearing, kind, and honest (up to a point); unafraid to admit needing sex, a committed relationship and (perhaps unconsciously) stringing along two women at the same time. Albeit, admittedly, you have a credible “excuse” to do so.
BUT you are not necessarily that important to either Joanna and/or Mabel. They may have to adjust a bit (Mabel especially) but in the end, they can live happily without you. Nevertheless, you have a duty to let them know where each stands. Each can then make an informed decision about where you stand in her life.
So get over yourself, tell them the unexpurgated truth and see what happens. From a sincere, usually-kind-but-always-trying-to be truthful columnist who, believe or not, believes she would like you tremendously if she got to know you better — also hoping the feeling is mutual ????.
– MG Holmes
– Rappler.com