I went on a three-day sleep retreat with a top psychologist – these are the 7 best things I learnt

MASKS, meditation apps, pills and playlists.

Yoga, room sprays, teas and even a silk pillowcase.

Believe me, I’ve tried everything to help me get a good night’s sleep.

But it turns out I’ve been doing it all wrong.

The best thing to ‘cure’ me of my agonising insomnia? Doing absolutely nothing. Seriously. 

At least that’s according to Dr Maja Schaedel, clinical psychologist and co-founder of the Good Sleep Clinic.

I spent three days on a sleep retreat under her guidance to help tackle my troubles – which include struggling to nod off, frequent wake-ups, early rising and debilitating tiredness – and that was her number one piece of advice.

“You need to care less about sleep,” she tells me.

“Don’t have a strict routine with a set bedtime, and don’t pay attention to sleep.

“Take all your focus away from it.”

After almost five years of obsessively trying to get my slumber back on track, this is easier said than done. But I’m working on it.

And thankfully, I also picked up some more advice. Here’s what I learnt…

WORK WEEKLY, NOT NIGHTLY

When you’ve been lying in bed for an hour and still feel wide awake, it’s easy for panic to creep in.

You start to tell yourself: if I fall asleep now, I’ll get six hours of sleep, which quickly turns into five, then four, then three.

Then before you know it, you’re freaking out over how you’ll get through tomorrow’s meeting feeling completely wiped, or how awful you’ll look at dinner with friends with giant black bags under your eyes. 

But don’t fret, Dr Schaedel says. Instead of focusing on getting eight hours of sleep a night, think about aiming for around 50 over the week.

“It’s OK if you don’t get the same hours of sleep every night,” the expert says.

One night of bad sleep isn’t going to be detrimental. You’ll get through the following day – perhaps with help from a coffee or two – and then you can get back on track over the nights that follow.

WHY I’M SO EMOTIONAL

Sleep is broken down into four categories that make up a sleep cycle.

1. Non-rapid eye movement 1 (N1)
2. Non-rapid eye movement 2 (N2)
3. Deep sleep (N3)
4. Rapid eye movement (REM)

Each is responsible for a different aspect of sleep, though they all play a role in helping you wake up refreshed. 

N1 is when the heartbeat and breathing slow and the muscles begin to relax, and typically lasts between one and seven minutes.

For about 10 to 25 minutes, you’ll then be in N2, when the body temperature drops, before entering N3.

This is the deepest sleep state when the body is fully relaxed, allowing it to repair and strengthen muscles, bones, tissue and immune function. It lasts 20 to 40 minutes.

REM sleep, when you dream, can be 10 to 60 minutes.

This is when eye movements become rapid, your breathing and heart rate increases, and the muscles become temporarily paralysed. 

REM sleep plays a role in memory consolidation, emotional processing and brain development, and most adults need about two hours of it each night. 

Condensing your time in bed will improve your sleep homeostasis drive

Dr Maja SchaedelClinical psychologist

Throughout the night, we will go through about four to six cycles. 

But sleep conditions like insomnia and sleep apnoea can interfere.

Dr Schaedel says: “For example, if you wake early, you miss out on REM sleep, so you may struggle to regulate emotions.”

This makes total sense. While being tired generally makes me more emotional, I definitely notice everything is heightened even further when I’ve woken up earlier. 

I’ve been missing out on valuable REM sleep without even realising.

HOW TO INCREASE SLEEP PRESSURE

Most people have heard of circadian rhythms – 24-hour cycles part of the body’s internal clock which help regulate sleeping and waking.

But do you know about your sleep homeostasis drive, or sleep pressure? 

I’d heard the term, but knew very little about it. 

Sleep drive increases the longer you are awake and decreases while we’re asleep. 

So ideally, by the time you get into bed at night, it should be nice and high, making it easy to nod off. 

Then when you wake up in the morning, it should be low and you should feel alert. 

But if, like me, you struggle with sleep, you’ve probably climbed under the duvet and felt wired. 

Equally, you’ve likely peeled yourself out of bed bleary-eyed, feeling like you’ve barely slept 10 minutes. 

Shift work and jet lag can mess with your circadian rhythm and sleep drive, but there are ways to boost it. 

Dr Schaedel says exercise, walking, cognitively stimulating tasks and general activity (think housework, cooking and climbing stairs) all increase sleep pressure, essentially helping to make us feel sleepier. 

“Condensing your time in bed will also improve it,” she adds.

“Go to bed later and/or wake up earlier.” It’s better to have a shorter period of quality sleep, than spend eight hours tossing and turning.

TV IS FINE, BUT NO PHONES

One of the most common pieces of advice insomniacs are given is: avoid all screens at least one hour before bed. 

But sometimes I’m simply too tired to read, and all I want to do is plonk myself on the sofa in front of whatever Netflix series I’m bingeing. 

Good news! “Studies show passive technology has no effect on sleep,” Dr Schaedel says. 

This means watching TV shouldn’t interfere too much with the quality and length of your slumber. 

In fact, a study published in the Journal of Sleep Research found some entertainment actually helped people get more minutes of sleep. 

“Watching a streaming service or listening to a podcast before bed can serve as a passive, calming activity that improves aspects of your sleep,” author Lindsay Hahn from the University at Buffalo, says. 

But still steer clear of anything interactive, like scrolling on social media, gaming, reading the news and sending emails, as this can wreak havoc, Dr Schaedel adds.

NO MORE TRACKERS

Smart watches and rings promise to track every aspect of your sleep.

They allegedly measure things like your heart rate, how long you spend in each stage, the quality of your slumber and how well you will perform the following day. 

Some even give recommendations, like the best time for you to go to bed and wake up, and when and how you should be winding down. 

But in reality, they’re making your sleep struggles far worse, Dr Schaedel warns.

“It’s simply not helpful to know this information,” she says. 

Deep down, I know she’s right. Last year I tested five of the top smart rings and found myself checking my sleep scores every morning.

I became slightly obsessive, and I felt hugely deflated each time they were low (surprise surprise, this was most days). 

Instead, we should listen to our bodies and minds, Dr Schaedel says. 

Start relaxing when you feel ready, go to bed only when you’re sleepy, and choose rest over exercise when you feel exhausted. 

KINDNESS IS KEY

And finally, we should all be kinder to ourselves. 

As a society, we don’t value rest. It’s all ‘go go go’, with taking time out seen as something for the lazy or weak.

But sleep is essential for our overall health and wellbeing, affecting our brains, immune systems, mood, learning, emotions and risk of long-term complications. 

We’re all all too happy to comfort a friend when they’re struggling, but we rarely show ourselves the same compassion. 

Dr Schaedel says we need to stop criticising ourselves, for example, for not sleeping well, and start focusing on the positives. 

She recommends several mindfulness and self-compassion exercises that can help people develop a more accepting relationship with their thoughts and emotions.

One involved closing your eyes and imagining your thoughts as leaves floating on a stream.

Regardless of whether they are positive or negative, you let them travel by. 

You can find many more online, on websites like mindful.org. 

THE GOOD SLEEP RETREAT

It’s a two-night stay at Ockenden Manor in Cuckfield, West Sussex, with the aim of helping you get a good night’s sleep – while you’re there, but also in the weeks, months and years that follow.

It’s run by Dr Schaedel, and you’ll complete a group workshop and introduction to the science of sleep led by her, as well as a private assessment and consultation.

There will also be a circuits class, a yoga class, a breathwork session, a guided walk, and a salt float. 

And it’s all with the hope that you will find it easier to fall asleep, improve the quality of your sleep, reduce nighttime awakenings, lessen your ‘racing mind’, and wake up feeling refreshed. 

Prices start at £999 and include two night’s accommodation in a junior spa suite, access to the pool and spa, two breakfasts, two lunches and two dinners. 

The venue itself is fab, with huge rooms, lovely spa facilities and stunning scenery. 

The pool is especially great as it starts indoors then flows outdoors through a small door, so you can move between them without needing to get out of the water (ideal for a chilly winter day).

It’s the perfect setting for a relaxing three days, plus the beds are huge and insanely comfortable!

The circuits and yoga classes were great too and suitable for all abilities, and the breathwork session was so relaxing I actually fell asleep. 

I’m not sure that was supposed to happen, but I felt super zen!

I felt similarly after my floatation tank. I’d tried this a few times before so I knew what to expect, but it can be a bit strange the first time.

It’s a large tank filled with incredibly salty water, which is heated to skin temperature and suspends the body so you feel like you weigh nothing.

Once you’re inside with the lid closed, you turn off the lights so you’re in complete darkness and silence. 

You then float in there for 45 minutes in, hopefully, a meditative state. 

It is said to reduce stress, ease aches and pains, and improve sleep. 

I definitely felt relaxed afterwards, though I can’t say I slept much better that night. 

Our group workshop was informative. I’d heard a lot of the information before, but it was great to get it all in one place and be able to ask questions.

I also found my one-to-one consultation helpful as I’ve never had such a detailed private assessment on the NHS.

Dr Schaedel gave me lots of personalised tips – like ditching my smart ring and giving acceptance and commitment therapy a go. 

The two biggest negatives were the guided walk and the restaurant.

Despite being held in beautiful countryside, we walked through a housing estate for about 30 minutes.

It was pretty muddy after a morning of rain, but I was itching to go for a proper stroll.

And instead of doing this through misty fields, our guide stuck to the pavement just outside of town.

It was a bit of a shame, especially as exercise is touted as a major sleep-booster.

I also felt let down by the food. We ate breakfast, lunch and dinner in the hotel restaurant and the menu remained the same each day.

While it was good quality, by the third, I was a little fed up with the same offerings!

Also, I have coeliac disease so I eat a strict gluten free diet. 

There is of course always some risk of cross contamination when eating out, but I was made seriously ill on night one of the trip. 

Instead of having dinner with my fellow retreaters and Dr Schaedel, I was throwing up in my bathroom.

The following day, there was also a lot of confusion among staff as to whether my meal was gluten free, leaving me having to wait an hour for a safe lunch that I had to eat on my own.

If you have an allergy, intolerance or autoimmune condition, repeat this to the waiters several times just to make sure the message gets across. 

For more information on The Good Sleep Retreat, hosted by Historic Sussex Hotels, visit https://www.hshotels.co.uk/ockenden-manor/spa/wellness-retreats/the-good-sleep-retreat-1