Asking Eric: My friend ordered me to shun her daughter’s boyfriend, and I’m not going to
Dear Eric: Friends of ours, who live on the other side of the country, have a daughter who is a senior in college in the town we live in. It’s not uncommon for the daughter to spend holidays or the occasional weekend with us.
Occasionally, she brings her boyfriend, whose company we also enjoy.
Recently, her mom texted us and told us that we were not to allow her daughter to bring the boyfriend to our house for weekends. The wording was, in fact, “Do not allow [name of daughter] to bring her boyfriend to stay with you; we are against that.”
Um … this daughter is a legal adult, and my husband and I have absolutely no intention of caving to her mom’s demands.
We just need a way to tell mom to butt out because, honestly, who we entertain at our house is none of her business. She is sure to ask again.
– Open House
Dear House: Oh, wow, you’re going to want to stay as far away from that as possible.
The most expedient way is to tell your friend, “That’s between you and your daughter. You two should work this out.”
Friends of a person’s parents can act as surrogate parental figures through life, but this goes beyond that. There’s a conflict that is already brewing between your friends and their daughter, one which they have failed to successfully communicate about.
It’s unlikely that either side doesn’t know where the other stands. Bringing you into their stalemate isn’t going to change anything.
You’re right, the parents would be wise to stop trying to control their adult daughter in this way. Likewise, the adult daughter should have given you a more in-depth heads-up about the disagreement with her parents, if only to avoid creating tension in your friendship with her parents.
But if you don’t have a problem with two adult guests sleeping in your house, there isn’t much more to discuss. Sleep well.
Dear Eric: My younger sister and I are only a year and a half apart, and our relationship has been a constant cycle of fights and arguments all our lives (I’m in my 80s).
My sister has a negative attitude about life that has been unfortunately validated by devastating loss.
I, on the other hand, had a rather cushioned life until our elderly mom had a stroke, becoming totally dependent on my husband and me financially, physically and emotionally for 15 years.
It was the most difficult time I ever experienced, although I was grateful to be able to do it. My sister and her husband offered us no assistance the whole time.
Two years ago, my sister suffered a stroke, leaving her unable to care for herself. She and her inept husband expect me to provide the same care for her as I did for our mom.
I resent the expectation but feel compelled to help. I’m still healthy and energetic but I don’t know how much more time I have left on this earth. I don’t want to spend it caring for my sister, especially when she has a husband and a grown son who all seem to think that my life and endeavors should be sacrificed for her.
I have found caregivers for her, but when that doesn’t work out, they look to me to fill the void.
I am sad, angry and torn. I don’t know how to limit my care for her without feeling intense guilt. What can I do?
– Wracked With Guilt
Dear Wracked With Guilt: As you noted, providing care to a loved one involves a constellation of resources – money, emotion, time, logistics and physical capacity. While it can be all-encompassing, care isn’t all or nothing.
So, try to think of the care you’re already providing for your sister – finding additional support, providing emotional support, navigating family dynamics – as a full offering rather than something incomplete.
The guilt is telling you that you should be superhuman, all while pushing down the hard feelings that are still lingering from your complicated relationship. The guilt is lying to you because it’s rooted in a desire to fix the unfixable. Remind yourself that you’re doing the best you can.
A conversation with your sister in which you can try to heal some of the past wounds, resentments and hurts is going to do a lot to help here.
Separately, you should have a very tough love talk with her husband and her son. They don’t get to tell you what’s expected of you. They don’t get to neglect their loved one while you struggle under the weight of the responsibility.
If they don’t have the tools or skills, I’m sure that you can point them to resources because you had to find them yourself. It’s time for them to step up.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.