Add news
News Every Day |

My husband's a spender and I'm a saver, but 3 rules help us keep the peace — and build our wealth

The offers and details on this page may have updated or changed since the time of publication. See our article on Business Insider for current information.

Affiliate links for the products on this page are from partners that compensate us and terms apply to offers listed (see our advertiser disclosure with our list of partners for more details). However, our opinions are our own. See how we rate banking products to write unbiased product reviews.

The author, right, with her husband.
  • My husband's a spender and I'm a saver, and that dynamic has caused fights in our 14 years together.
  • We've developed three rules that help us discuss money and build wealth, starting with honesty.
  • We've also learned to respect each other's positions, and remain humble.

A long time ago, somebody somewhere came up with the idea of taking all of our earthly possessions and sharing them with a life partner. Things have been tricky ever since. Especially money and relationships — they're a particularly difficult combination. So difficult, in fact, that 36.1% of couples cite money issues as the cause of their divorce. This staggering statistic is likely why 24% of couples choose not to share bank accounts.

But for the majority of us, the straightforward route to sharing life's burdens with our partners means sharing everything.

This is the approach my husband and I chose before we even got married. We adopted the "what's yours is mine" attitude 14 years ago, as soon as our relationship shifted from casual to serious. As you can imagine, our fights about money began around the same time.

Being a spender/saver couple isn't always easy

One might think that choosing a person who shares the same goals and values should eliminate all financial conflict, and my husband and I do share values and goals, but that doesn't translate to us sharing a financial strategy. For instance, we both value comfort, but to my husband, comfort means feeling secure, which he achieves by saving enough money to handle anything life throws at him. For me, a comfortable lifestyle means being literally physically comfortable. In other words, my husband is a saver, and I'm a spender.

This spender/saver dynamic is likely familiar to anyone who has shared finances with another person. If you're the saver, you probably know that there are few things as demoralizing as checking your bank account and seeing a smaller number than you anticipated, except perhaps being the spender who, despite being a full-grown adult, knows they're going to be in trouble for treating themselves to an $8 sandwich. And that's the thing about sharing finances: Everyone feels bad all the time. Unless, of course, you find a way to make it work.

After years of learning lessons the hard way, I can say confidently that with the help of three simple principles, my husband and I have learned how to keep the peace and build our wealth as a team.

The 3 rules we follow to keep the peace

1. Honesty

Yes, honesty is the foundation of good relationships in general, but when it comes to money, it becomes more nuanced than choosing not to message an ex behind your partner's back. When two people are trying to share money, the struggle usually stems from good, but opposing best intentions.

I know from experience that I've often justified hiding purchases by telling myself I just couldn't bear another argument, while savers may be tempted to hide cash for the sake of protecting their partner from themselves. But when we strip away all the good intentions and justifications from our actions, we are left with lies, plain and simple.

In our marriage, this lying and sneaking around not only eroded the trust we shared, but when it came to our finances,  it also kept us from fully understanding our financial position. While I kept my husband in the dark about the majority of my purchases, he, in turn, began over-dramatizing our bleak financial outlook to scare me out of spending. In this flurry of subterfuge, saving and investing were not options.

Being honest with one another, even when it means arguing and relinquishing control, gives us a better understanding of how much money we have, how much money we spend, and what choices will allow us to reach our shared financial goals.

2. Mutual respect

Once, in the heat of a nasty battle over whether we should buy a mattress secondhand, I called my husband "Scrooge McDuck." While it was a spiteful and silly dig, it also summarizes how I felt about his frugal tendencies. He, on the other hand, felt I had the financial acumen of a 7-year-old in a candy shop with $100 to burn. Maybe we were both a little right, but these cartoonish narratives we held about one another were directly responsible for our mutual dishonesty over money.

This is why the most important change we made in our approach to sharing finances was recognizing that our spender/saver dynamic didn't need to be a battle of opposites, but could instead be a balance of strengths.

Being a saver means my husband is always wary of potential financial hardships. This vigilance has allowed us to live off $10 an hour in our own apartment rather than finding ourselves stuck living in his parent's basement. Someday, this vigilance will be the difference between working until we die and retiring comfortably. I'm lucky to have him.

But being a spender means I am open to taking financial risks that my husband would have been too scared to take on his own. By pushing him to sell our house at the top of the market, I made us $120,000, and I've made our lives exponentially more pleasant by insisting on luxuries like travel and mattresses that aren't infested with bedbugs. He's lucky to have me.

3. Humility

Mutual respect requires more than recognizing what the other person has to offer. It also means recognizing that one financial style isn't necessarily superior to another.

As you may have suspected based on my "Scrooge McDuck" dig, my instinct isn't to extend a lot of respect to spendthrifts. My inner commentary is closer to, "Look, another tightwad who thinks they're going to become a billionaire by sleeping on 80 thread-count sheets and swapping avocado toast for a bowl of gruel." But I have to humble myself, quell the snark, and recognize that people who are saving their money for a rainy day are wise because they're right, rain is inevitable. And savers, as my husband could tell you, struggle to accept that their financial caution does not necessarily make them wiser than their "now is now" counterparts.

Our sense of superiority is what leads us to dismiss what our partners bring to the table, and by dismissing them, we are creating an environment where it feels like the only safe play is to hide, lie, and omit.

For my husband and I to agree on finances enough to build wealth, we had to first acknowledge that our individual ways of doing things weren't the only right ones. My husband had to humble himself before he agreed to sell our house, even though honoring his hesitance felt like the wiser choice to him. I, in turn, had to swallow many immediate purchases I felt should take precedence, to do things my husband's way and put 10% of his earnings toward his 401(k). But, we were able to save $60,000 for retirement in five years, and I no longer remember what any of those purchases were.

Yes, our rules are simple ones that anyone would do well to weave into the fabric of their relationship as a whole, but what we found through trying, failing, and trying some more is that when it comes to money, everything becomes a little more fraught. The right move is never to push our agenda until the other person breaks, but to do our best to be our best for each other. When we do this, everything gets easier, if only because we have a little more money.

This article was originally published in September 2021.

Read the original article on Business Insider
Москва

Собянин утвердил планы развития цифровой экосистемы образования на 2025 год

Реклама
The most beautiful beach towns with cheap living

A huge number of people around the world dream of one day breaking out of the daily routine

Evander Holyfield Names The One Heavyweight Champion Who ‘Embarrassed’ Him In The Ring

World Champion’s Team Reveal ‘The Truth’ Of Conor Benn Sparring After Being Branded A Quitter

Exclusive: Chainguard secures $356 million Series D as valuation soars to $3.5 billion

Apple aims to build most iPhones for U.S. in India by end-2026

Ria.city
Реклама
  • ИП Попов А.П.
  • ИНН: 602715631406
Ревматолог: "26 апреля 2024 в г.Колумбус запущена квота"

Каждый человек с больными суставами имеет право получить...






Реклама
  • ИП Попов А.П.
  • ИНН: 602715631406
Ревматолог: "26 апреля 2024 в г.Колумбус запущена квота"

Каждый человек с больными суставами имеет право получить...


Реклама
  • ИП Попов А.П.
  • ИНН: 602715631406
Ревматолог: "26 апреля 2024 в г.Колумбус запущена квота"

Каждый человек с больными суставами имеет право получить...

Read also

Patriots Had More Day 2 Trade Offers Than Usual, Eliot Wolf Says

WHL playoffs: Tigers tame Hurricanes 5-2 in East championship series opener

Our beautiful beach loved by Premier League stars is ‘destroyed’ by ‘eyesore’ 8ft fence – but alternative is even WORSE

News, articles, comments, with a minute-by-minute update, now on Today24.pro

News Every Day

Exclusive: Chainguard secures $356 million Series D as valuation soars to $3.5 billion

Today24.pro — latest news 24/7. You can add your news instantly now — here


News Every Day

Apple aims to build most iPhones for U.S. in India by end-2026



Sports today


Новости тенниса
Анастасия Потапова

Теннисистка Потапова вышла во второй круг турнира в Мадриде



Спорт в России и мире
Москва

От ринга до подиума: Инесса Львова на обложке L’Officiel



All sports news today





Sports in Russia today

Москва

В Сызрани завершились соревнования по мини-футболу среди сборных команд главных управлений ПФО


Новости России

Game News

We can finally play 2006's flip phone-exclusive Monster Hunter port thanks to the tireless work of game preservationists and fan translators


Реклама
Top 6 nutrition questions men should ask themselves after 40

To maintain health and remain full of energy, men will be helped by this

Реклама
Top 6 nutrition questions men should ask themselves after 40

To maintain health and remain full of energy, men will be helped by this

Реклама
The most beautiful beach towns with cheap living

A huge number of people around the world dream of one day breaking out of the daily routine

Russian.city

Реклама
The most beautiful beach towns with cheap living

A huge number of people around the world dream of one day breaking out of the daily routine



Губернаторы России
Китай

NetEase: Китай сделает подарок России, который не понравится США


Морозы придут в несколько регионов России

Футболист "Зенита" Дуглас Сантос: нам не хватило агрессии в игре с "Динамо"

Синоптик Шувалов заявил, что в Москве потеплеет после 1 мая

Тренер Семин назвал закономерной ничью в матче "Динамо" - "Зенит"


Никита Высоцкий высказался о смерти друга отца, скульптора Зураба Церетели

Ксения Алферова, Зоя Бербер, Валерия Ланская, Оскар Кучера и другие звезды на премьере анимационного фильма «Ай да Пушкин!»

Рэпер Баста заработал на ресторанном бизнесе 395 миллионов рублей

Игорь Бутман: музыка — это то, что объединяет людей


Рублев сыграет в третьем круге «Мастерса» в Мадриде после снятия Монфиса

Рублев: Турнир в Дохе был действительно особенным

Анна Калинская вышла в третий круг турнира WTA-1000 в Мадриде, обыграв Парри

Мадрид (ATP). 2-й круг. Медведев сыграет с Дьере, Рублев – с Монфисом, Зверев поборется с Баутистой-Агутом, Фриц – с О’Коннеллом, Рууд – с Навоне


Реклама
The most beautiful beach towns with cheap living

A huge number of people around the world dream of one day breaking out of the daily routine


Заморозки в Подмосковье и других регионах Европейской России: прогноз на ближайшие 2 ночи дали синоптики

Морозы придут в несколько регионов России

Съемка Клипа. Съемка музыкального клипа.

Премьера "Белой палатки" в Малом театре: 80-летие Великой Победы


«Примадонне» никто не указ. Как Пугачева конкурентов зажимала

В Грозном наградили победителей благотворительного детского фестиваля «Добрая волна»

Завершился раздел имущества певицы Алсу и бизнесмена Яна Абрамова

2ГИС перечислил 10 городов России, где чаще нарушают скоростной режим


Ничья в Москве на радость Краснодару: и это Гладышев ещё простил «Зенит» на последних минутах

Вторая лига, дивизион Б, группа 1, тур 7

Подпольная культура: что означает слово «андеграунд» и когда его уместно использовать

Названо состояние скульптора Зураба Церетели, оставшееся его наследникам


Реклама
Top 6 nutrition questions men should ask themselves after 40

To maintain health and remain full of energy, men will be helped by this


Путин в России и мире
Реклама
The most beautiful beach towns with cheap living

A huge number of people around the world dream of one day breaking out of the daily routine



Реклама
Top 6 nutrition questions men should ask themselves after 40

To maintain health and remain full of energy, men will be helped by this



Реклама
The most beautiful beach towns with cheap living

A huge number of people around the world dream of one day breaking out of the daily routine



Реклама
Top 6 nutrition questions men should ask themselves after 40

To maintain health and remain full of energy, men will be helped by this

Персональные новости Russian.city
Сергей Брановицкий

Клип Менеджер для Ротации клипов на ТВ каналах.



News Every Day

Exclusive: Chainguard secures $356 million Series D as valuation soars to $3.5 billion




Friends of Today24

Музыкальные новости

Персональные новости