The Sex Lives of College Girls Recap: Haunts and Taunts
Folks, we are six episodes into this season of The Sex Lives of College Girls, and I can’t hold it in any longer. What is happening at Essex? I don’t mean in the sense of the various plots of this show; I mean, like, as a school. What is going on here? We have no math department, but we have a fancy constitutional law professor? Does Essex even have a law school? How can Bela be an FAF with a 1.7 GPA? I know it doesn’t really matter, and usually I am not as pedantic about college in fiction, but I worked in higher education for nearly a decade. I just need you all to know I am constantly thinking about Essex and worrying they will lose their accreditation.
Anyway! In the suite, Kacey is prepping her rehearsal outfit to make sure she looks as cute as possible so that she can deliver her one line. Kimberly finally asks the question I have been dying to ask: What musical is it? An original one, combining the best songs from all of musical theater. I am dying to know how that comes together, frankly. My fun is interrupted by Taylor, who is hanging out in their suite, much to everyone’s irritation. Taylor is having roommate issues, so Bela has given her a key, despite the fact that she confesses later to Arvind that it feels like living with a British roast comic. This back and forth with Taylor is really getting boring to me! Aren’t there other students who need Bela’s support as FAF? Please, I am begging.
It’s also Halloween, the time when college campuses abandon all sense of decorum or sense. The KJ house party is the Halloween party on campus, and I was glad to see Whitney is still involved with this group! Also glad that Jocelyn is asking the real questions: can she have her titties out in her costume? Thank god! Canaan comes in late and I love that everyone fully stops the meeting to discuss this situation and to bully him into apologizing. He and Whitney are going to try being friends! I can already sense the building love triangle, and am proven right the second Whitney and Isaiah walk into the gym and see Canaan. There is some court mandated showing off for her between the two of them, and Whitney does her level best to convince Issiah he has nothing to worry about, but I’m not buying it!
Over at Essex Law (that is how I will be referring to the alternate school Kimberly is apparently attending), Kimberly is immediately intimidated by the obnoxious law guys in her class and does the worst thing you can possibly do in that situation: lies that she worked for the Governor of Arizona. They call her on it before the sentence is fully out of her mouth, and watching her fumble that recovery is so painful we have to move on right now. I should note that Tig is slaying role of professor, but I suppose asking her to be dry and wear a collared shirt is probably not the most challenging thing she’s ever been asked to do.
I know that I am supposed to be paying attention to Kacey and Cooper flirting and him asking her out at rehearsal. I know that. But there is … so much bread on stage that I literally cannot focus on whatever they are doing. What is it doing there? How is the set done and on stage? Isn’t this the FIRST rehearsal? Is this an original musical about bread? Featuring songs from every other musical? WHAT DOES IT MEAN? If they don’t answer this over the course of the season, I will be furious! The point is, Kacey and Cooper are going on a date, and the girls convince her not to tell him she is a virgin. They have a very sweet date that ends with her running from him after he suggests watching John Wick in his room. As a woman who once told my coworkers I was “having chest pains” to get out of going to drinks, I understand failing to find a good excuse! I should have just run too, everyone was really worried! Chest pains are too serious to fake!
Since Taylor is still haunting their room, Bela grabs lunch with Arvind to talk about couples’ costumes. He would of course be “Hot Shrek” if he could, but he volunteered for FAF duty. Bela, the world’s worst FAF, is surprised to hear that Halloween is a big night for FAF duties. Girl, wake up, I beg you! Arvind suggests that Taylor might just need a hobby, and since her current favorite thing to do is “dominating beautiful women,” Bela signs her up for a queer speed dating event. This event is, well, a harrowing portrait of some kinds of queer dating. Taylor is forced to hear about past lives and four-person polycules, and finally, she cracks. “Is anyone cool here? And why does literally everybody have a tattoo of the moon?” The answer to the first question is, thrillingly, yes! Ash (the charming Ruby Cruz) has been waiting all night to get to Taylor. (The answer to the second question is because the moon is a lesbian, duh.) There is chemistry here, folks, and Bela smugly considers her work done.
Back at Essex Law, Kimberly is trying to take Professor Tig’s advice to heart. She is the runt of this litter and she will have to prove that she isn’t, or these dudes will keep messing with her. So when Steve tries to push back on her argument, she tears into him, insinuating that his dad hates him and only gives him money as a substitute for love. It is rough, and it goes on for so long, and eventually, Steve flees, crying. Professor Tig informs her that she “went from runt to cunt.” Can professors say cunt to students? No, but Professor Tig got caught up in the rhyme. Been there!
However, Kimberly is so bummed she can’t even have fun at the KJ Halloween party. Is her Bernie Sanders at the 2020 Inauguration costume helping her have a good time? Probably no, as she is wearing mittens and a parka. Hate to side with Kacey, but maybe looking cuter would perk up her spirits! She refuses (sigh), so the roommates move to a classic pep talk. She is Kimberly Finkle! She doesn’t have to be a runt or a cunt, she just has to be herself! She does just that, using her dad as an example of someone who has trouble voting due to long lines and not having enough time to take off to wait. Steve tries to push back with mail in ballots, but Kimberly schools him on how the voting laws differ by state. Sure, one would think a dude who “is probably going to Stanford Law” would be aware of this fact, but at Essex Law, anything is possible!
When Taylor shows up to the party alone, Bela sees that her plans didn’t work, and finally snaps that Taylor needs to fix her own roommate situation and give her key back. Sigh. Bela is technically right, but god, she needs to work on her delivery! She does apologize the next day, and Taylor finally confesses that the reason she has been avoiding her roommate is that she has a crush on her, but her roommate is straight. Bela gets it and gives the key back, but with the stipulation that Taylor has to be nice to the people that live there. I am … bored of this back-and-forth with Taylor, but there is no way they got Ruby Cruz for one scene, right? She’s gotta come back!
After running away from Cooper after their date, he comes to find Kacey as she is doing a makeup test. I cannot believe this theater department has enough funding to be giving a full fake nose to a character who has one line, but it is worth it for this whole scene to take place with the funniest fake nose and old lady make up. Cooper is very sweet about Kacey’s virgin status, and their kiss is cute, too, nose and all!
As I predicted, the Whitney/Isaiah/Canaan love triangle is heating up! Before Canaan leaves to meet up with a date, he gives Whitney a hug and touches her back in a way that gets her all worked up … so she drags Isaiah home with her. Working out your feelings for one person with someone else is never the best way to handle things, in my opinion, but we’ve all been there, right? Right? She confesses this to Willow as they warm up, and weirdly Willow is the one who is pushing that exes can’t be friends, and I know that is a lie! I know Willow is queer and being friends with your ex is literally the backbone of our community! Come on now!
During the game, Whitney goes for the ball, but her knee … goes the other way. Ooof, sports injuries scare me so much, especially knee injuries! She’s torn her meniscus, and she can either sit out the season and heal or take a cortisone shot now. The shot option means a longer recovery, but she’ll still be able to play this season. Her coach doesn’t exactly pressure her to pick the shot option, but he doesn’t NOT pressure her. This … won’t end well, will it?
Office Hours
• The insanity of Lila ordering random things on Instacart to find her missing hottie was a good running gag; my favorite part of any Lila storyline is always that she is pulling these dues left and right!
• “I think being lonely adds a lot to my sapphic yarn art.” Oh, Ginger, I know it does!
• I will be thinking about Professor Tig’s devastating review of Kimberly’s attempt to evoke RGB’s lace collar for a long time: “Are you wearing the thing they sell Asian Pears in?”
• Obsessed with Rebecca Wisocky as Professor Dorfmann, she perfectly nailed the specific director notes, like this one. “NO matter how simple the line, you must approach it with honesty, detail, and work. Think about what kind of bread it is! Ciabatta? A rustic wheat?”
• I will be thinking about the song selection for this Bread musical all week— “A Little Priest” has to feature, right?