Stanley Howard, tortured by Jon Burge's crew and sent to death row, writes to his younger self

I am a survivor of torture by Chicago Police, led by ex-Lt. Jon Burge. I spent 39 years in prison — 16 of them on death row — for crimes I did not commit. I wrote this letter to 21-year-old Stanley Howard on Nov. 1, 2023, the night before I got out of prison, and mailed it to myself as I walked out the door. I wanted to talk with that scared, immature kid who was arrested, put my arms around him, and let him know that he was going to be OK.  

 I've been out of prison for a year now, and it's a joy and real challenge to get through each day. I'm still working on unpacking a lot of what that kid went through and trying my best to forgive while asking for forgiveness.

Dear Stanley,

Do you know that on Nov. 1, 1984, the day of your arrest, your whole life is going to change forever?

I’m sure you have no idea of what is about to take place, so I’m traveling from the future to fill in some of the blanks for you.

The Chicago Police are going to shoot at you, according to their official “Shots Fired Report,” over 30 times. One of the cops is going to shoot at you five times at point-blank range, and each of the bullets is going to miraculously miss you by inches.

I know you’re going to be scared, but don’t worry, you’re going to get through this.

On Nov. 2, you’re going to experience an ordeal you would never imagine would occur to you. The police are going to beat, slap and kick you, and suffocate you with a plastic bag and typewriter cover, and you’re going to be so scared that you’re going to sign a confession to a murder — a crime you not only did not commit but didn’t know anything about.

You’re going to spend a lot of time (from November 1984 to April 1987) in the Cook County Jail, amid the kind of violence and conditions that no human being should ever have to endure. Every day, your life is going to be in jeopardy.

I know you’re going to be scared, but don’t worry, you’re going to get through this.

You’re going to be sentenced to death in a courtroom where you knew the judge had something personal against you, but you didn’t know what. And to everyone’s surprise, you’re going to laugh hysterically and uncontrollably right after the judge announces the sentence.

Trying to ‘maintain some sense of sanity’

Yes, your first trip to prison is going to be on death row in Pontiac. Being confined in the cell for so many hours of each day (23 out of 24) is going to test you beyond belief, while surrounded by guys who are also frustrated, depressed, angry, stressed and doing their best to maintain some sense of sanity while trying to survive.

I know you’re going to be scared, but don’t worry, you’re going to get through this.

Listen, a lot of people who were major figures in your life before your arrest (including family, friends and loved ones) are going to carry on with their lives without you, and some are going to pass away, leaving you feeling like you are alone, abandoned, forgotten and unimportant, which is going to push you to the point of an emotional meltdown.

Amid so much darkness, you’re going to turn your pain and suffering into a bright spot and a power source.

You’re not going to believe it, but you’re going to get your GED diploma, earn paralegal, commercial custodian and construction certificates, and actually fall in love with fighting against the criminal legal system and fighting for your freedom.

You’re going to help other guys get out of prison and even teach some of them what you know about criminal law and paralegals.

Your mom and dad are going to tell you how proud they are of you, which is going to bring you to tears in the visiting room. That's the kind of man you will turn into.

You’re going to fall in love and actually get married to a woman who loves you beyond belief and who is actually going to wait for you to be released — a long wait.

Looking back at your life, I cannot say that I was proud of the kid you were, but I can say that I’m very proud of the man you became.

I know you’re going to be scared, but don’t worry, you’re going to get through this, and you’re going to be released to start a brand new life.

Keep your head up and stay strong. I love you!!

EDITOR'S NOTE: Stanley Howard received a financial settlement from the city of Chicago for torture that led to a wrongful conviction. He was pardoned by Gov. George Ryan in 2003 but remained in prison on convictions for unrelated crimes, for which he is seeking full exoneration.

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