1 trade for all 30 NBA teams to fix the whole league for Christmas

Are all these trades legal under the NBA Collective Bargaining Agreement? Yes. Will every team involved hate them? Quite possibly.

The holiday season is about rebirth and renewal. It’s a moment of reflection, when we are all afforded a chance to improve ourselves in the new year. Many people vow to go to the gym more, to quit smoking, to be there for family and friends when they need it the most.

But we all know those things are meaningless. Daily life is but a petty footnote to the never-ending, all-consuming carnage of the NBA. Teams sweat and bleed to gain a single inch of breathing room, and even that may be snuffed out in an instant from one tiny mistake. For the NBA, the holiday season isn’t a time of warm reflection and eggnog because improvement during trade season isn’t a sweet gesture, it’s necessary for survival.

So we’re not messing around.

Welcome, cherished friends and bold newcomers, to what is likely by far the most complex and artistically ludicrous fake trade article you will read this year. Below, you will find 15 trades between all 30 teams to radically improve the landscape of the NBA. This isn’t your standard “oh the Rockets should consider players X, Y or Z to contend this year” piece. Here, we make cold, calculated declarations and don’t equivocate or cut corners. Every trade is legal, (mostly) airtight logically, and specifically crafted within the confines of my new empir— I mean vision for the league.

This house of cards I’m fancifully calling “NBA TradeMas” is not some benevolent creation. It is a work of brutalist art intended to unilaterally and immediately address the league’s many problems and fix all of them. Or… most of them.

Full disclosure: if you’re a Pelicans, Hornets or Pistons fan, you’re probably not going to have your socks knocked off by what I came up with for you. But with assets flying around the league like Buddy the Elf machine-gunning snowballs at bullies, a few teams had to make the boring 1-for-1s to make it all work.

Here are the ground rules. Each team is allotted one trade, so think of this like the world’s most expensive Yankee Swap. Every trade is financially legal, and I tried to make draft compensation as fair as possible — though if any of these trades actually happened, there would almost certainly be more assets involved than I put on paper. As soon as someone picks up the phone, the price gets higher. That’s just how negotiations go.

Bill Simmons has already declared himself the Picasso of the trade machine, but do we have room for a Van Gogh? And to cement this as the seminal work of world artistic achievement it is, every trade received a funny name I felt befit its unique energy and place within the sculpture. Please keep back from the velvet rope while viewing each part, and do enjoy your time.

Trade #1. Bogan BogDenveravic

Atlanta Hawks Receive: Zeke Nnaji, Dario Saric, Russell Westbrook, 2031 first-round pick (top-3 protected)

Denver Nuggets Receive: Bogdan Bogdonavic

As noted by every NBA commentator with…

1. stock in Denver being a good team and

2. concern for how mid they have been all season (that’s me)

…it is really hard for the Nuggets to upgrade this roster. They have a total lack of tradable contracts and not exactly a war chest of draft assets to sling around. Upgrades will have to come on the fringes, and will cost them down the line.

Here’s the good news: Denver isn’t Celtics/Suns-level all-in. They can still aggregate contracts and have a first round pick in the chamber to deal. And who should they deal it for? Why, Nikola Jokic’s Serbian National Team co-star, that’s who!

I couldn’t resist shipping Bogey over to Denver to play with the Joker, though it’s worth asking if this is actually the best return the Hawks could get for their swingman. He’s a good player, but hasn’t been able to spread his offensive wings in Atlanta with Trae Young having a really special but really ball-dominant season. A first-round pick feels like the grease that could turn these wheels, but it’s possible the Hawks find a better destination.

But for Atlanta, this trade comes down to the classic “how much of a contender are you really?” question. Young is playing great, they’re getting the top .0000001% De’Andre Hunter season at the moment and Dyson Daniels apparently morphed into beanpole Scottie Pippen once he left New Orleans. But is this team experienced enough or big enough to compete with Boston? With Cleveland? Even with Milwaukee, who just kicked them out of the NBA Cup semifinals? I’m not so sure they are at that level, so hedging your bets with some more assets is not the worst plan.

Trade #2. Boston’s Backup Big Bonanza

Boston Celtics Receive: Daniel Theis

New Orleans Pelicans Receive: Xavier Tillman, 2030 second-round pick

In life, it’s important to mix self-care into your productive day-to-day life to fight burnout. So this trade is for me, and maybe some of my wonderful colleagues over at CelticsBlog.

Look, I understand the Pelicans would have little reason to toss the Celtics Theis — a solid improvement on Tillman — for nothing more than a second-round pick six years from now, but listen: maybe New Orleans sees something in Tillman as a defensive small-ball five? Maybe that second-round pick will turn into the next Nikola Jokic, and they really like what they’ve been seeing out of 12-year-old Italian prospect eligible to be drafted in 2030. Who knows what they might be thinking?

I know two things: this trade would be perfect for Boston and the Pelicans have no reason to quarantine Theis on a team that is accomplishing absolutely nothing this calendar year. Just forget about it, and do the Theis Man a solid by sending him back to his home to go get the ring we all know he deserves. Please?

Trade #3. Finney-Smith’s long road home

Brooklyn Nets Receive: Maxi Kleber, Quentin Grimes, 2025 first-round pick (lottery-protected)

Dallas Mavericks Receive: Dorian Finney-Smith

Dorian Finney-Smith doesn’t have a ton of name recognition, but he’s a professional NBA wing with a proven ability to contribute to playoff teams without getting in the way. He may not look like much trapped in Brooklyn, but he could make a difference for a contender.

While he isn’t going to net top-flight value, I do think that the Nets could snag a protected first-round pick for him. So where better to get it from than the title-contending Mavericks, where Finney-Smith got his start and earned his wings? It makes sense for both sides, and Maxi Kleber is the perfect contract for the Nets to absorb while they pray to the basketball gods for Cooper Flagg.

Mavericks fans may lament that they have Finney-Smith at home with Naji Marshall, but why not double down on your strengths? You can never have enough wings, and Luka Doncic isn’t going to wait around forever for this thing to come together. Finney-Smith is a better shooter and has the playoff experience that Marshall does not. Trade the pick for a quality player that carries almost no risk.

Trade #4. “We got WHAT for Khris Middleton?”

Milwaukee Bucks Receive: Kyle Kuzma, Saddiq Bey

Washington Wizards Receive: Khris Middleton, 2031 first-round pick (swap best with Milwaukee)

Ok, I realize I didn’t exactly ingratiate myself with Bucks fans last month when I declared they had to trade Giannis Antetokounmpo. But we’re turning over a new leaf… by constructing a seemingly insultingly bad return for the third member of the defending NBA Cup Champions’ big three: Khris Middleton.

Here’s the deal: talent in, talent out, the Wizards are getting a sweet deal. But Middleton has progressed from second-scorer on a championship team, to rarely-healthy third star, to never-healthy quality player. If the Bucks plan on proving me wrong by showing that their championship window isn’t closed, they are going to have to stop betting on Middleton being their injured missing piece. Since he missed their title-defense playoff run, he’s played 33, 55, and 6 (so far) games since. That’s just not elite availability, especially in pivotal spots.

For three seasons, the Bucks have gone through phases of needing Middleton to be healthy when he just isn’t. He’s making an absurd amount of money and could walk after this season if he declines his $34 million player option (which he won’t). Trading him would also help the Bucks get under the second apron, which could help them realign their lopsided roster that I so mercilessly decried.

People also forget that Kyle Kuzma is a quality player who can and should be doing more than watching Jordan Poole do spin moves on the worst roster I have ever seen. He could really help the Bucks simply by playing more than Middleton is probably capable of at this point. For the Wizards, the expensive player option is a bit dicey, but there’s a chance they could work out some sort of wink-wink Middleton flip to a different contender for more some draft assets that Washington could use when they aren’t… this bad. Otherwise, he can just have the year off and rehab.

It’s bold, but Bucks fans. Please. Hear me out. I’m just trying to help here.

Trade #5. Jonathan KuminGONE

Chicago Bulls Receive: Andrew Wiggins, Jonathan Kuminga, Kyle Anderson

Golden State Warriors Receive: Zach LaVine

This trade is so obvious, it basically wrote itself. Kuminga is the speculative young player who fits the Bulls’ timeline and LaVine is the veteran scorer to take pressure off Stephen Curry for one last push for ring No. 5. It’s so obvious I almost didn’t include it.

But there’s good stuff here. You’ll notice the complete lack of draft picks, which I decided to leave out to acknowledge LaVine’s status as a distressed asset rather than a true commodity. But he became such a distressed asset last year that people forgot that he’s actually good at basketball, and he would help the Warriors win games. If anything, he’s an idea to improve the last few years Curry has to offer. And I love ideas.

Some Warriors faithful may want to hang onto Kuminga, but I’d ask you point-blank: do you actually think this is going to end well? No contract extension? Fairly transparently calling out the coach in the media last year? Clearly wanting more shots in an offense of by and for Steph Curry? Let’s just call it what it is: Kuminga needs a change of scenery, and I want one for him. I think he’s a talented and explosive player who needs more shots and more time to develop. So let’s get him somewhere where that might happen.

Trade #6. Operation Guard Jayson Tatum

Cleveland Cavaliers Receive: Dillon Brooks

Houston Rockets Receive: Caris LeVert, Georges Niang, 2028 and 2029 second-round picks

The Cavaliers’ complete lack of a playable small forward is one of the funniest storylines of the last three seasons. On paper, Darius Garland, Donovan Mitchell, Jarret Allen and Evan Mobley are an unreal foundation for a starting lineup. But it’s finished off with… Isaac Okoro. Really?

I think we can do better, and we’re getting a bona fide defensive stopper to guard Jayson Tatum in the Boston-Cleveland Eastern Conference Finals we’re careening towards. It’s really that simple: on a lineup of talented scorers, find someone who is going to take your biggest rival to the mat and maybe get ejected while doing it.

For Houston, this could be some addition by subtraction. They have an absolute cacophony of dudes, and getting some assets for one who probably isn’t in their long-term plans makes sense. It’s possible Brooks would fetch more draft capital than that, so I’m open to seeing it scaled up. And this would probably coincide with a Fred VanVleet deal, the other veteran presence on a team full of youthful exuberance.

Notably, this is not the turbo-obvious 3-for-1 trade that the Rockets seem primed to make, and that’s because I’m not sure the player they want is out there right now. I was totally in on the Giannis-to-Houston bandwagon, but that doesn’t seem like it’s happening. But in our carefully constructed timeline, getting Brooks out of here, making room for the young guns to start firing and then waiting patiently for that perfect star to become available is their best move. When the next star demands a trade — which they will — the Rockets will be on the shortlist immediately.

Trade #7. Intermission: The Great Marcus Sasser-Seth Curry Swap

Charlotte Hornets Receive: Marcus Sasser

Detroit Pistons Receive: Seth Curry

I think this one speaks for itself.

Trade #8. Philadelphia Folds

Indiana Pacers Receive: Kelly Oubre Jr.

Philadelphia 76ers Receive: Isaiah Jackson, Ben Sheppard, 2028 second-round pick

Is trading Kelly Oubre Jr. for two somewhat interesting young players and a second-round pick really folding? No, but this season is going absolutely nowhere fast, and it might be time to place playoff role players elsewhere before their value completely depreciates. Isaiah Jackson is a solid backup big who I would love to see play behind Embiid, and Sheppard had some interesting moments last season that I could see Nick Nurse tapping into.

But like, let’s be honest. This is just a soft reset on a season that was over before it even started. I could have shoehorned an Embiid trade into this post just to be funny, but would that have helped anyone or been even somewhat plausible? No. Oubre is a professional scorer who could take pressure off the Pacers’ ball-handlers and provide spacing at playable size, and in this sort of scenario would be one of several veterans the Sixers may try to get value for before trying to reload this summer following their season from hell. This works well, even if it doesn’t exactly set the world on fire.

Trade #9. Two carpools across Los Angeles

Los Angeles Clippers Receive: Gabe Vincent, Christian Wood, Jaxson Hayes

Los Angeles Lakers Receive: Derrick Jones Jr., Nicholas Batum, Mo Bamba

This was probably my favorite name. It’s no secret that Lakers fans have been fancasting Gabe Vincent trades for months now — check out the Fanspo trade machine and see if you can notice a day where Vincent’s name isn’t trending in the top 20 — but I could see the Clippers finding some value in the contrasting styles of Wood (if healthy) and Vincent, along with some “maybe he can catch lobs” appeal in Jaxson Hayes. If healthy, Vincent would be solid ball handler off of James Harden and the latter two are offensive… concepts that could… catch lobs, or something.

Meanwhile, the Lakers are in “throw things at the wall” mode if they’re not going to trade Anthony Davis, and I don’t see why Jones Jr. and Batum aren’t perfect guys to plop in corners or why they can’t try to scrape a playable big out of whatever Bamba’s career has become. It might not work, but if it doesn’t, who cares? It’s not like either of these teams have a chance anyway.

Trade #10. Jimmy Blue Suede Shoes

Memphis Grizzlies Receive: Jimmy Butler

Miami Heat Receive: Desmond Bane, Brandon Clarke, Scotty Pippen Jr. (eligible to be traded Jan. 13), GG Jackson, 2027 first-round pick, 2029 first-round pick

If this article was a boxing card, this is the co-main event with No. 15. It seems like the end is finally, mercifully coming for Miami, and Jimmy Butler’s days as the harbinger of Heat Culture are numbered. But where should he wind up, and how much is he worth?

For Memphis, he’s worth the “screw it just do it” package I attached above, which includes Desmond-freaking-Bane and two first-round picks, which may cause the Bluff City to recoil in horror. But that’s going to be the price if anything resembling a bidding war gets going, and it’s almost impossible to compile enough contracts without Bane involved.

This would help ease the blow for Miami, able to plausibly “build” around Bam Adebayo and Bane, along with a couple of Heath Culture guys waiting to happen in Scotty Pippen Jr. and GG Jackson. It’s a major haul, but Jimmy Butler has been the best player on three Conference Finals teams and two NBA Finals teams in the last four years. This isn’t just some aging superstar; this is a legitimate, FDA-certified guy.

Would Memphis actually pony up and pay what Pat Riley may be asking? I’m not sure, but it would be an impressive move for General Manager Zach Kleiman to go get a premier second star for Ja Morant to go smash the Western Conference with. It would be seriously bold, but I would do it.

Trade #11. Chris Paul’s Final Attempt at a Ring

Minnesota Timberwolves Receive: Chris Paul, Malaki Branham

San Antonio Spurs Receive: Mike Conley, Luka Garza, 2029, 2031 second-round picks

I’m super fuzzy on who exactly is a better player right now: Chris Paul or Mike Conley, so I put somewhat-recent-first-round-pick-but-not-exactly-amazing Malaki Branham in here so the Spurs could justify bringing in a different veteran point guard and also snagging some back-end draft capital. Wow, that was a long sentence.

OK, in full disclosure, I just really wanted to get Paul to a contender, so the Spurs are going to have to pivot here to the tune of a similar veteran stabilizer along with some picks. Branham actually showed some promise last year, but he’s hardly untouchable and will help smooth over Minnesota giving up draft capital in this deal. If push comes to shove in the playoffs, I think Paul is still enough of a gamer to help the Timberwolves get something done. It’s one of those strange, fair, but not super necessary trades.

With the new second-apron environment, second round picks may actually be more valuable than ever as dart throws to bring in cheap talent. I could see the Spurs loading up on them, and I had to save Paul from their clutches before he retires.

Trade #12. Jakob “No Longer Worth a First Round Pick” Poeltl hits the Big Apple

New York Knicks Receive: Jakob Poeltl

Toronto Raptors Receive: Mitchell Robinson, Miles McBride, Ariel Hukporti, 2026 second-round pick (via Warriors), 2027 second-round pick (via Bucks)

Two stationary centers, both alike in rim protecting, in fair Eastern Conference purgatory where we lay our scene. Ladies and gentlemen, it is with great pleasure I present to you the perfect Jakob Poeltl trade.

The Knicks need to stop hoping Mitchell Robinson is going to return to his 2023 postseason form. That was absurd, but he’s more than an injury risk at this point: he’s a downright false prophet. Poeltl is going to be cheaper than ever to acquire and Miles McBride will help facilitate the swap. Young player + liability for proven contributor. It’s a bread-and-butter method as old as time.

Trade #13. Because they had to get somebody

Oklahoma City Thunder Receive: John Collins

Utah Jazz Receive: Aaron Wiggins, Ousmane Dieng, Jaylin Williams, Dillon Jones, 2025 first-round pick

If this article was a boxing card, this would be the random preliminary that I buried between a Taco Bell commercial and an interview with Jimmy Butler’s agent to remind us how much he hates Shams Charania. I’m not really sure what I’m doing here, but it’s time for Sam Presti to use one of his seven trillion first-round picks to upgrade the rotation.

I could have traded the Thunder anybody, if I felt dangerous enough. They have more assets than God, enough draft picks to trump any offer and are lurking as the potential next version of Kevin Durant going to the Warriors for the next mega-star that demands a trade.

But for our purposes, I treated the Thunder as that guy in your Fantasy Football League whose team is just too good so everyone conspires not to trade them anyone better. John Collins is a decent upgrade… somewhere in this rotation, and the Utah Jazz might be the only team that would be totally chill flipping a solid starter for four completely speculative young players. It’s a Danny Ainge special, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he somehow managed to get a first-round pick along with it (don’t laugh, Collins has been legit good this year, and considering how strong the Thunder are, their pick will likely be one of the last of the first round this year, basically a more expensive second).

But will the Thunder do anything? Ever? Their big move last year was Gordon Hayward from Charlotte, who subsequently retired after basically not playing. Is Sam Presti just going to sit on this roster with these picks like he’s playing Settlers of Catan and has to hoard wood? Or is he going to go for it, maybe with John Collins, or maybe with someone even cooler?

Trade #14. Defense wins… a playoff series?

Phoenix Suns Receive: Robert Williams III, Matisse Thybulle

Portland Trail Blazers Receive: Jusuf Nurkic, Josh Okogie, 2031 first-round pick

To quote Gandalf the Grey, we’d call this trade “The Deep Breath before The Plunge” considering what No. 15 is cooking with. I like Portland’s defense-only duo heading over to Phoenix to help out with their biggest issue: guarding people.

The Suns got eviscerated by Anthony Edwards last year, and torched by Nikola Jokic the year before. Guarding wings or bigs — the two main things you have to do in playoff basketball — isn’t exactly their specialty, so getting a real rim protector and a perimeter demon is a good start. They’re losing offense with Nurkic, but I think the trade offsets the loss. I realize it’s extremely risky to trade your only remaining tradable pick for some defensive pieces, but Kevin Durant isn’t going to stick around until 2031. This is very much a “now” type beat.

Nurkic winding up back in Portland is also just objectively funny, yet I imagine they’d flip him pretty quickly for a set of second-round picks if they can find it, maybe even bringing in a third team (if the exercise allowed it I would) since it’s not like they particularly need Nurkic’s services or contract around. Whatever floats their boat.

Trade #15. The Magic Kingdom

Orlando Magic Receive: De’Aaron Fox

Sacramento Kings Receive: Cole Anthony, Kentavious Caldwell-Pope, 2026, 2028, 2030 unprotected first-round picks

If I’m the Van Gogh of the trade machine and this article is my body of work, call this one Starry Night because man, is it a masterpiece. The Magic have contracts to aggregate, picks to deal and one glaring weakness: point guard. Who better to fill it than the team floundering around the Western Conference looking for a life preserver?

The Kings may seem like an all-in contender with their big three of Domantas Sabonis, Fox and DeMar DeRozan, but they really aren’t. They own basically all of their own picks going forward, and have unique flexibility to rebuild without blowing it completely up if they want to. They don’t have to trade Fox, and could try to rework around the edges instead.

But the Magic should make them an offer they can’t refuse if rumors of Fox potentially being available are true. Three first-round picks — and honestly maybe even some swaps — should do the trick, and Orlando will finally complete their big three to turn this wily, injury-ridden squad of Paolo Banchero, Franz Wagner and Friends into an actual Eastern Conference contender. Yes, Paolo Banchero and Franz Wagner are injured and out for a while, but neither is season-ending. They have the pieces in place to do it, so it’s officially time to transition from “next up” to “all in.”

This is exactly the kind of trade the modern NBA needs. This creates a contender out of thin air without sacrificing another. It’s out of conference, draft-pick responsible — it’s not six for Mikal Bridges — and fits everyone’s timeline just fine. I’m sure the Kings won’t be too happy with this suggestion, but guys… this is year three of getting passed by the rest of the West.

Fox is the classic heart-and-soul player that isn’t going to get to the promised land with his original team. Think a lesser Pelicans Anthony Davis. But Fox should be given the opportunity to really contend, and I’m not just saying that because we have the same last name. The Kings would be doing the league a favor by accepting reality and making the NBA world a better place.

Ultimately, not everyone got better, but everyone got something they may find useful — be that some assets down the road, a theoretical young player or a much-needed reset. If you feel your favorite team got short-changed, remember that the NBA is literally a zero-sum game. There are only 615 total wins available, so there have to be winners and losers of every interaction. If you didn’t get a player you wanted, I hope you at least got a new perspective.

But as any great artist would, I’m sure I ruffled some feathers while painting this absurdist, modernist, anarcho-abstractist portrait of the NBA. And as with all art, this certainly needs revision and criticism, so please let me know what you think of this new world, and feel free to suggest any other trades you think would improve our collective lives.

Paul George to the Warriors? Anthony Davis to the… Hornets? Whatever you can dream (within the confines of the CBA) you can do. So get to dreaming and, hopefully, NBA teams will get to doing.