I’ll spend Christmas with my husband & three kids obsessing about my lover – I feel no guilt, it makes me a better wife

MARRIED mum-of-three Anna Bawdwyne, 39, a nurse from Kent, reveals the pain of being separated from her secret boyfriend over the festive period – and why her affair has made her a nicer wife

From the outside, my Christmas Day will look like that of so many other wives and mothers.

I’ll spend it with my husband Greg, 53, and our three kids – aged 10, eight and five – tearing into mountains of presents, playing board games and cuddling up on the sofa.

But although I’ll be going through the motions to give my children the perfect family Christmas, there will be someone else on my mind.

That person is Leo, 30, the man I’ve been cheating on my husband with for the past five months.

The man I obsess over, like a love-struck teenager.

Over the holiday period we’ll be going two weeks without contact – and it’s going to be torture.

I won’t pretend it’s his intelligent conversation or dazzling wit I’ll be aching for.

No, it’s the sex, his incredible body, and his three-times-a-night stamina.

The only thing that will get me through will be thoughts of the last time we saw each other at my work party in a five-star London hotel.

I’m a nurse in the private sector and told Greg that partners were not invited, which was true, and that I would need to stay overnight at the hotel, as I was likely to miss the last train home.

Also true.

What I didn’t tell him was that I ducked out of the party at 10pm, because Leo and I were spending the night together.

If you’d told me a decade ago that I’d be the type to cheat, I’d never have believed you.

As for lying and not even feeling a smidgen of guilt (and I’m sorry, but I really don’t), that would have been unthinkable.

I met Greg on a night out when I was a 22-year-old student nurse and he was a very fit and sexy 36-year-old firefighter.

He swept me off my feet, and I was as besotted with him back then as I am with Leo now.

At the time, my friends warned me that our 14-year age gap would become more problematic down the line.

I insisted that would never happen, but they were right.

My fit and feisty firefighter has become a grumpy, overweight, lazy, middle-aged bloke, signed off from the fire service with back problems.

He sat beside me and, three hours later, we were ripping each other’s clothes off

Anna Bawdwyne

Since our last child was born five years ago, we’ve barely had sex.

The last time was in July, on our summer holiday in Italy, just before I met Leo.

There’s been nothing since, and I have to admit, it’s been years since I fancied him.

Despite me taking care of myself, I can’t remember the last time he paid me a compliment or bought me a present.

I never imagined I’d say these words, but I simply don’t love him any more.

Over the past few years, the realisation that my marriage was dead in the water made me feel unloved and miserable, but – not wanting to jeopardise our family or the home we’d made together – I’d never even considered an affair.

Then I met Leo in August at a medical conference and everything changed.

A physiotherapist nine years my junior, he was seated next to me at a dinner hosted by a healthcare company, and the chemistry between us was instant.

I could tell you that I agonised about the consequences before jumping into an affair with him, but I didn’t.

Three hours later, we were ripping each other’s clothes off in his hotel room.

Leo knows I’m married with children and neither of us are kidding ourselves that the relationship has any real future, but right now, it’s exactly what I need.

Our workplaces are very close to each other and he has his own flat, so trysts are easy to come by, whether they are lunchtime quickies or longer, pulled-a-sickie, all-day affairs.

He makes me feel happy, sexy, desired and alive.

But I’d never break up my family.

I know how devastating divorce can be for kids and that those from broken homes are far more likely to experience mental health issues.

I’d never put them through that, just as I would never dream of not giving them the Christmas they deserve.

It’s not their fault that Mummy doesn’t love Daddy any more, and there’s certainly never going to be an occasion when they’ll be introduced to ”Uncle Leo”.

‘MY AFFAIR BENEFITED MY HUSBAND TOO’

You might ask why, given how much I adore my children, I am having an affair that risks blowing my family apart.

First, I don’t think for a minute my husband would ever find out or be remotely suspicious.

But if he did, I know he’d be hurt, because his dad left his mum for another woman, and he never got over it.

Second, I know he’d take no responsibility for the decline in our marriage and pin all the blame on me.

As twisted as it might sound, I think that my cheating has benefited Greg.

I no longer nag him to tidy up, get a haircut or change his clothes, and I’m happier overall.

The truth is, my affair has made me a nicer wife.

The flip side of that is that Greg might make a move over Christmas after one too many wines, in which case I’ll go along with it, safe in the knowledge it’s unlikely to happen again for another six months.

As we spend time together as a family, Leo will be more than 200 miles away with his folks in Leeds.

I won’t see him again until January 3, and it will be agony, because we have made the decision to go no-contact until then.

Now that I’ve experienced the heady thrill of an affair, I won’t rule out having another

Anna Bawdwyne

I have a cheap pay-as-you-go phone that I use to stay in touch with him, but over the holidays it will be kept safely in my locker at work.

I can’t risk having it in our house – from day one, I vowed not to bring my affair into our family home.

So for two weeks there will be no flurry of daily texts (and sexts) and no cheeky voice notes.

But what I can’t stop are my endless thoughts of him, my flashbacks to our last time together and my longing for his body and touch.

Before we said our goodbyes, Leo joked that his mum will be trying to pair him off with her friend’s daughter like she always does. I’ve had to give myself a stern talking-to for feeling worried and jealous.

I’m crazy about Leo and our relationship, but I’m also sensible enough to know that there will come a time when he trades in this lustful older woman for a younger model.

And now that I’ve experienced the heady thrill of an affair, I won’t rule out having another.

In the meantime, I’ll have to wait to get my best present – my passionate reunion with my secret lover.

• Names and details have been changed. Anna Bawdwyne is a pseudonym.