The perks and pitfalls of hypervisible polyamorous breakups online
The popularity of polyamory and other non-monogamy has been on the rise in recent years, with some experts citing the first Trump election and COVID-19 for challenging sexual and romantic norms. Regardless of the reasons why, dating apps and search engine trends tell us that non-monogamy is on our minds.
For individuals known online by tens of thousands of people for being polyamorous, there can be some unique challenges to their relationships — especially when they end. Social media can be a blessing for any minority community, many of whom are desperate to see themselves represented and to find opportunities to connect with like-minded individuals. But for those in the spotlight, their public persona adds a singular element to heartbreak.
Social media followers "want to know everything"
"Some people have a weird entitlement towards content creators," says Michelle Hy (@PolyamorousWhileAsian), a Portland-based polyamory content creator. "I've kept pretty good boundaries and rules when I post about a breakup or de-escalation — if it's amicable, I'll use it as an example in my stories or just to show that de-escalations can happen. If it's more tense than that, I won't talk about it publicly at all."
De-escalation is a term used in the polyamorous community to mean reducing the level of intimacy or commitment between partners, while still staying connected. For example, a couple who decides to stop living together but continue dating might describe that process as a de-escalation of their relationship. "Sometimes people want to know who did what, which I understand, but can definitely feel invasive," says Hy.
Hy's experience with prying eyes is echoed by other polyamory content creators. "When I was grieving my breakup, people would comment things like, 'Aw, you guys were so cute, I'M grieving your breakup,' which kept me feeling kind of stuck," reports Gabrielle Alexa Noel (@gabalexa), a queer sex and polyamory educator. "People expected a statement from me, my partner, and his other partner. We all ended up agreeing not to post about it to avoid having our opinions and experiences weaponized. But even still, a lot of people expected a story — with a beginning, middle, and neat, tidy end. That's just not real life."
While important for destigmatizing alternative lifestyles, social media also blurs the lines between the personal and the public. It's easy to forget that the people who share parts of their lives for the purpose of education and community are offering something very generous, often at some personal expense.
"We get used to some parts being public and forget that that's just the surface level. It looks cute on paper, and it is cute in real life too, of course," observes New York-based queer artist, Jonzu (@jonzu). "But you're not always going to see the day-to-day work."
It's important to remember that social media can never capture the full nuances of anyone's life, but at its best, it can offer a slice of hope in the form of representation and shared joy.
The court of public expectations online
We already know that women, people of color, and queer people experience disproportionate harassment online. Unsurprisingly, this is reflected in the experiences of polyamorous influencers as well. Hy, who specifically creates content about intersectional polyamory as a queer Asian woman, shares: "I want to display more examples of diverse polyamory, and I definitely feel bummed that I can't do that without putting my loved ones at risk." Followers can become demanding about personal details and bring high parasocial expectations for how influencers conduct their personal lives.
Hy isn't the only polyamorous influencer facing these unrealistic expectations of unofficial ambassadorship. Followers can feel invested in the representation they want to see, forgetting that influencers are just living their lives. "My ex is Black, and so am I, but none of my other partners are. After we broke up, I received overwhelming pressure online to date another Black person next," says Noel. "I lean towards dating other people of color in general, but I don't want to be measuring my dating interactions based on public expectations!"
While influencers' fans can see their breakup and have opinions about their personal decisions, so do the haters. "When we were breaking up, I remembered comments like, 'I'm just following to see this crash and burn' from people who hate polyamory. I never want them to think they were right!" adds Noel.
Setting boundaries as a polyamorous content creator
"I have specific conversations with people from the beginning, even on early dates," says Noel. "Like when we take a picture, if I post them and tag them, people might go to their page and interact. Sometimes 5,000+ people will click on my friends' profiles after we take a vacation together!" While most of this engagement is harmless, it follows that higher visibility online creates a higher likelihood of harassment.
"My Puerto Rican partner of 4+ years experienced a lot of racial harassment, and it wasn't in response to anything in particular, just the existence of our relationship," Noel continues. "That made her reticent to be tagged for a while. She's okay with it now, but it's something I realized I have to give new partners a heads up on."
Other influencers agree that there have to be intentional choices when deciding which parts of their personal life to make public and which parts to keep private. While there is value in vulnerability and visibility, finding the balance is a crucial part of these influencers' well-being. "I didn't really post about breakups, but recently my published writing has become more personal. I wrote about my last breakup, but kept it pretty open-ended," says Jonzu.
"I keep names anonymous and I don't post photos of partners or friends," Hy agrees. "Having a public page also makes me more careful about who I date in general — it has happened more than once on a first date that someone will say 'I follow you on Instagram' and I realize they automatically know a lot more about me than I know about them. In general, it makes me feel a lot more cautious than I was 5 years ago."
The pros of the online polyamorous community
Despite this plethora of challenging experiences, it's a relief to know that our polyamorous content creators aren't going anywhere. "I wouldn't be polyamorous without social media," says Noel. "It's where I found helpful information, made connections, and knew what to expect at NYC polyamory events. Eventually, it opened doors for writing opportunities and the events that I host, which I find rewarding."
"We booked some fun gigs — we were a power throuple!" says Jonzu. "It was a unique time for us to collaborate as queer artists and writers. It felt good at times being told that people look up to us for our dynamic.'"