Vancouver non-profit offers hope for the bereaved during holidays

PORTLAND, Ore. (KOIN) — The holiday season is a wonderful time of year for many — but for those who recently lost a loved one, it can bring lots of heartache.

In Portland, The Wishing Tree near Northeast 7th Avenue and Northeast Morris Street is a towering elm that carries hundreds of paper tags with people's hopes and dreams all year long.

"I wish everyone can experience the warmth of the holidays, that is my wish actually…given everything that's going on," said Danielle McCoy, a neighbor.

With the tie of a bow, McCoy's wish joins a long list of others, including ones that say "I wish to be loved" and "I wish for my kids to be happy and healthy.

McCoy and her husband, Jordan Jackson, know what it's like for the holiday season to be a solemn reminder of what's missing.

"Back home, my grandfather is in hospice care right now," Jackson said.

"You know, we miss family, so it's always like… it would be nice to be around family, celebrate with family …although we have each other," added McCoy.

Across the Columbia River, in Vancouver, a hospice care facility is doing its part to ease the pain the holiday brings for some. They hosted a day of remembrance on Wednesday night and offered tips to those experiencing grief during the holidays.

PeaceHealth Hospice and Hope Bereavement held its annual Celebration of Remembrance for loved ones lost in a live-streamed holiday event online.

Colleen Storey, a holistic care supervisor at PeaceHealth Hospice, said the holidays can be a time full of triggers for those who have recently lost a loved one.

"When that person leaves, there's a big hole that's left behind," Storey said.

The loved one who is now gone may have been a torch-bearer for things like cooking the family meal, wrapping gifts, lighting the Christmas tree or menorah, or performing prayers. While it can be a painful experience to no longer have this person to help, Storey said it's important to talk with friends and family to figure out which traditions to keep and who should carry them out.

In addition, Storey said repeating past traditions unaltered could make the absence of the loved one that much harder to deal with. Therefore, she recommends people consider introducing new and different forms of celebrations.

Ideas include allowing another family member or restaurant to take care of the family dinner, making plans to visit friends out of town or get quiet respite via personal time, doing your shopping online if in-person crowds at stores are too intense and reducing the mailing list of your holiday greetings to only a select few and volunteering or donating gifts to those in need.

Storey said grief during the holidays is something she's all too familiar with, having lost her best friend of 47 years.

"It's a difficult time when our society paints a hallmark picture of what Christmas is like… but it's not that way for a lot of people," Storey said.

Self-care is also key during the grieving process. Storey said a simple acronym to remember is DEER, which stands for Drink water, Eat well, Exercise and Rest.

If you know someone you care about who is grieving, Storey said it's important to validate their feelings and not be afraid to say the name of the loved one who is now gone.

"What people do not understand is we need to hear the name of our loved one spoken aloud. It helps us to remain connected. It helps us to know they were important in our lives and still are,” Storey said.

Storey advises people to be patient with the loved one who is grieving, ask them questions and listen, acknowledge their loss and offer help that is practical to their situation.

She said it's also important to keep in mind feelings change and the grief may become more manageable over time so the bereaved person can "again be able to enjoy the holidays."

Back at The Wishing Tree in Portland, neighbor Natalie Foster is revelling in the fact that her wishes from last year have now come true. She wished for a home and for her dogs to get along.

"Everything in your day-to-day life you kind of skim past the parts and if you actually take a minute to stop and reflect it becomes more meaningful," Foster said.

Visit the website for PeaceHealth's Hope Bereavement Services for information about how to handle grief — both for yourself and your loved ones.

For those in crisis, the 988 Lifeline is also a resource available over the phone or online.