The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Grammer Schooled
Hello, and welcome to another episode of your favorite holiday special Rich Women Doing Things. In this episode, the rich women did things. They gave their demonic doll likenesses a tiny little cocktail so that she could have something to drink and tried not to spill it on the custom-made $4,500 Gaultier dress. Oh, not for the rich lady, for the doll. They dressed up as Rosie the Riveter to rent a U-Haul to drive a bunch of their possessions from their real house to their beach house, which is only 90 minutes away in Los Angeles traffic. They threw a Denim and Diamonds party in their backyard because if they were ever to become a stripper, their name would be either Denim or Diamonds, but they were confused about whose house to put on the invitation to because this was the first party they were throwing without their ex-husband’s in attendance. The rest of us at home fail to see how his moving out will affect the address typed onto a Paperless Post, but we do not have the minds of rich women, so maybe we don’t quite understand.
But mostly, what the rich women did was freak out about Dorit. It’s fitting because, watching this episode, I freaked out about Dorit as well. I haven’t been her biggest fan all of these years, and I’d much rather make fun of her than try to defend her, but something about this episode turned me around; something about Dorit taking up the mantle of truth and transparency has me gagged, gooped, galloped, galloshed, goo-goo-ed and other made-up words that drag queens say.
The episode starts with rival hang outs to discuss the fight between Dorit and Sutton that kicked off in the Sprinter at the end of the last episode. The first is at Jennifer Tilly’s house. Oh, wait. Sorry. It is at one of Jennifer Tilly’s houses with an S at the end. The play house? Oh, it’s in Bel Air, right next to the house where Jennifer actually lives. I mean, that is some serious rich people shit and also explains maybe why the play house is decorated à la Eileen Davidson’s Wild Wild West Saloon with ancient clocks that used to belong to Cher. Jennifer also has a house in Las Vegas and a beach house in Malibu that she doesn’t go to because it has a ghost, and the ghost gets really annoyed when she is around. Know what? I respect Jennifer Tilly even more now that I know she has a haunted beach house she doesn’t use so she won’t hurt a spirit’s feelings.
The Jennifer Tilly assemblage is her, Sutton, and Kyle, and Sutton is talking about how Dorit has no idea what her sisterhood pact was all about. She says no one in the group should be talking about each other behind their backs … as she sits there and talks about Dorit behind her back. The other assemblage is at Dorit’s, where Erika comes over to a freshly made jug of water. Dorit is mad that Sutton is the one who brought up sisterhood and then was the first person to yell at both Erika and Dorit when they didn’t play by the rules.
I’m with Erika and Dorit on this one, and I think Sutton’s rules are completely bullshit. This whole show is about women talking about each other behind their backs until they see it on television, and then they scream about it some more at the reunion, and then they make up and repeat it all over again as if they’re amnesiacs wondering how they got all of these frayed relationships and black eyes.
I think what Erika said to Kyle that night at dinner is perfectly emblematic of how friendships work. I don’t say shit about my friends behind their backs that I wouldn’t say to their faces, but I sure say them differently to their face when I am gossiping about them. Say you have a friend with a terrible boyfriend. For the sake of argument, let’s call her Ally. When you brunch with a mutual friend, you rip Ally’s boyfriend to shreds and talk about all the horrible things he’s done, how you can’t stand him, and how she should break up with him. Then, when you brunch with Ally, you wrap it up in pretty bows: “He’s not my favorite person. I just want someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated. Of course, I’m always here for you and support your decisions.” It’s the same thing, but you don’t need to say it the same way, or else you alienate Ally, and then you’re not friends anymore when her boyfriend does something stupid, and Ally has no one. There is nothing wrong with that behavior, and while Erika might have talked about Dorit one way to Kyle, that doesn’t mean she didn’t say it to Dorit. Just because Erika didn’t follow the rules that Sutton laid out, as if someone appointed her President Pro Tem on this Girls’ State team, doesn’t mean that she was wrong.
Erika talks about Sutton with her therapist, Dr. Jenn, who comes by for a therapy session and an interior design consult. Dr. Jenn says that Erika doesn’t like “shoulds,” and when Sutton confronts her with one, her response is, “How dare you judge me, fuck you!” Yup, that sounds like Erika’s pattern. However, it was interesting to see Erika admit to the fact that she handled the aftermath of the Tom situation wrong and that the group made her the villain, and she participated in making that role even worse. She acknowledges that while she was feeling left out by the group, and she hopes they can take responsibility for that, she also needs to take responsibility for some of the bad things she did and the harsh way she spoke to people. We love to see our reality stars grow and evolve but, you know, maybe not too much. We don’t want them to evolve out of being complete monsters.
Now it’s time for Kyle’s boobs to pop out while she rides a mechanical bull at the Denim and Diamonds party, which was pretty uneventful when it was just Garcelle crushing on Wes, the hot tattoo artist, and telling Sutton about how 11 days earlier Kyle told her she still gets texts from PK, a figgy pudding that has been left out for three calendar years and now is the consistency of ear wax with a booger in it. I’m sure we’ll get to this a lot more in the next episode, so I’m saving my discussion until then.
Anyway, the big scene happens at the end when Erika and Dorit are talking to Boz, freshly landed from a trip to Brazil, about Dorit and Sutton’s feud. Since it is officially Boz’s fifth episode, by the power vested in me by the Eileen Davidson Accord, I can officially judge her, and I am saying that I love her. Since the drama so far this season goes back seasons, she hasn’t really had much of an impact, but her clear-headed appraisal of all of the women and her ability to stand back and reserve judgment until she gets a clearer picture of what is going on is admirable. Also, you don’t get to the height of corporate life without being able to read people, give them what they need, and avoid the bad ones. So far, Boz’s read on just about everyone seems exactly right, especially when it comes to Sutton.
When Erika and Dorit bring it up, Boz says that they should convene a “tribal council” (wrong reality show, but we get her point) so that they can all talk about it and not upset Sutton and the new rules that she has written for this legislative session that absolutely no one has ratified. Boz says she likes the idea of bringing up in the group, but it isn’t feasible to really get things done because no one goes deep or explores their emotions; they just end up fighting. Guess what happens here? Apparently, Jennifer Tilly’s beach house ghost told Boz the future because, well, they all start arguing.
Sutton starts tribal council saying that she hates Jeff Probst and wishes he would go back to a final two and get rid of the fire making challenge. Then she says she wants everyone in the group to be able to be open and honest without feeling like they are going to be ostracized from the group. This sounds like something Sutton wants. She wants to be able to say what she wants without people getting mad at her, but I don’t think that is how group dynamics work, but whatever, I majored in Bottom Studies at college, so what do I know? (Other than to eat lots of fiber and relax.)
Erika says the problem is that Sutton is sometimes “volatile.” In her confessional Jennifer Tilly says that Erika didn’t mean it as a compliment but, “it is a good description of Sutton.” Dorit tells Sutton that she overreacts when she’s stressed, and as if to prove all three of these women’s points, Sutton shouts, “Wait a minute! Wait one minute!” Okay, so what happened to being open and honest and not feeling criticized? The moment they were open and honest Sutton starts freaking out like she’s on the USS Minnow and there aren’t any life vests.
Dorit tells Sutton she can’t be real and honest, so she can’t lead the charge, and Sutton starts yelling again. Dorit, as quiet as Crystal Kung Minkoff in a church, says, “Here we go,” to which Sutton freaks out again, just proving everyone’s point. Then Sutton says, “If you need me to talk in hushed tones…” but she does this in this mock voice that is both slow as molasses and as condescending as a guy on Twitter who starts his response with, “Well, actually…”
When Dorit makes fun of that voice, Sutton says, “You’re angry, and you’re not angry at me; you’re angry at your life.” Everyone lets out a gasp, including Sutton’s number one ally Garcelle. Yes, this is exactly what they’re talking about! Sutton wants everyone to say how they really feel because she thinks they’re all going to trash each other, and she’s going to end up looking like the only glistening rosebud in a shit-filled garden. But when they have a problem with her, she wants them to feel as bad and ostracized as Sutton herself always feels.
Sutton comes in to say that she raised her voice at Dorit because she wasn’t getting the larger point, but if there is one thing Dorit is not going to get, it is the larger point. She’ll get custody, she’ll get half of PK’s absolutely nothing, she’ll get all of her rental couture, but she will never get the large point. Boz comes in with a very healthy assist and says, “But then you can’t weaponize the moments where people are being vulnerable.” Sutton asks who is weaponizing, and Boz says, “You did it right there when you said she’s not mad at you. She’s mad at her life; that is weaponizing.” Cleared. Decimated. Destroyed.
Boz has Sutton’s number so clearly, and as someone who has never took to her as much as some fans have, I couldn’t be happier. Boz takes it even further in her confessional, saying, “You take the horrible situation that is happening in somebody’s life. You turn it around, sharpen it, and stick them with it. That’s war. Absolutely out of bounds.” She does an even better assessment of Sutton in the after-show from the last episode (since when did our favorite show come with homework?), saying, “[Sutton] feels like she wants to be the one in the group that everyone looks to. The truth about power is that it is not how it works at all. Power is about drawing people to you because of the way you are with individuals and therefore you have power over the group. It’s not because you bound someone’s hands together and said ‘This was my idea.’”
Bozoma Saint John does not come to play so Sutton better get to work if she wants to survive this tribal council. Dorit emphases Boz’s point saying that Sutton cares more about looking like she’s a good friend than actually being one. Speaking of terrible friends, that is when Camille Donatacci Grammer Meyer, formerly known as St. Camille, rears her ugly head to go after Dorit. This fight is just fun; it’s like a silly little side diversion because Dorit just flicks her wrist and swats Camille all the way across town until she’s lying in Faye Resnick’s bushes. When Camille says that Dorit wasn’t very nice to her when she was going through a hard time, Dorit says it’s because Camille was a “total cunt” to me. Camille rebuffs that Dorit called her a “fucking cunt” and Dorit corrects her saying she called her a “stupid cunt.” Many at home might not see the distinction, but if you have spent as much time with English people as Dorit has, then you definitely know that there is one.
After Dorit tells her it was a joke and Camille says it wasn’t, Dorit asks why Camille is even there. “You always need a moment!” she says, and it’s true. That’s why Camille is at the party, that’s why she is at tribal council playing her shot in the dark and it comes up “Not Safe.” That is why Camille is coming at Dorit with this ancient-ass bullshit about Dorit holding people up because she’s in glam. Camille got her moment, but it wasn’t the one she was hoping for. She wanted to come out triumphant, to show everyone that Dorit is a pain in the ass who only cares about herself and won’t listen. While those things are true, that is not the moment she got. She got a moment of being brought low, she got a moment of being dismissed, and she got a moment under the tank that is Dorit Kemsley this season, and I don’t know if she will ever fully recover.