The ultimate psychologists’ toolkit for fight-free Christmas – and how to diffuse any family bust-up before it explodes

THE festive season is meant to be filled with joy, love and laughter.

But, in reality, it’s often a challenging and stressful time when emotions can run high.

“For many people, there’s an expectation that Christmas should be perfect – all twinkly lights and festive fun,” says psychologist Dr Jessica Valentine from Brighton Wellness Centre.

“Yet, if you don’t see eye to eye with certain relatives, you’re not getting on with a family member’s partner or you’re worried about money, this can bring up all sorts of resentment.”

Financial worries are set to be one of the biggest triggers for family arguments this year.

Some 29% blame the cost of living crisis on fallouts during the festive season, according to Relate’s survey of more than 2,000 adults.

Other causes of conflict include mental health (15%), expectations to create the perfect Christmas (12%) and pressure to socialise (12%).

“You’re also more likely to reflect and look back on the past, which can be emotionally triggering,” says Jessica.

While Christmas is a prime time for potential rows, especially after a few drinks, it doesn’t have to be this way – though it might be you that needs to be the bigger person.

The experts reveal how. . .

HOW TO… DEFUSE TENSION

A snappy comment here and a grunt there can build to a full-blown row.

When you feel an argument brewing, defuse the situation fast.

“If someone gets angry, try to stay calm and keep your voice low in tone,” says psychologist and anger expert Dr Sheena Kumar.

“Sit down, as this can help to defuse the situation. Let them vent and have their say, without interrupting.

“When they have finished, say: ‘I hear you,’ or: ‘I can see this is really upsetting to you.’ You can validate what others say without agreeing with them.

Remember, you don’t always have to be right or have the last word.

So, next time your smug sister-in-law starts making snippy comments, don’t rise to the bait.”

Afterwards, take time to de-stress alone.

Escape to the kitchen or bathroom and breathe deeply before returning to the festivities.

“This activates the body’s relaxation response and can relax nerves quickly,” says Sheena.

“Try to switch the conversation when you return.”

HOW TO… DEAL WITH RELATIVES

Unfortunately, the most wonderful time of the year tends to go hand-in-hand with seeing tricky or sometimes unpleasant relatives.

Sheena suggests using more empathy, but also boundaries, if possible.

“Setting boundaries around sensitive topics early can help everyone navigate conversations smoothly and avoid unnecessary conflict,” she says.

“For example, texting family before Christmas to say: ‘I know you may have questions, but I do not want to talk about the break-up and I’d appreciate it if you do not bring it up.’”

When a relative gets hostile, take a moment to try and put yourself in their shoes.

“By being more empathetic, this allows you to see people in a different light,” says Sheena.

“Many older people, for example, tend to feel sad and nostalgic at Christmas, which can make them appear angry and irritable.

“Perhaps your elderly aunt’s cranky behaviour is masking the pain of bereavement, and your cousin is moody because he recently lost his job.”

It can be hard, but try to be grateful for what you have.

“Focus on the good bits – you’re with people who love you and care about you, even if you don’t always agree. Just think how you would feel if they were no longer there,” adds Sheena.

HOW TO… KEEP CALM

Despite your efforts to keep the peace, sometimes things spiral into an argument.

Try not to snap and instead: “Really listen to what the other person is saying,” says Sheena.

“Most people stop listening when they argue. Often, when you show you understand where someone is coming from it’s enough to calm things down.”

Whatever happens, do not respond with name-calling, character assassination, swearing or insults, which will only cause things to escalate.

“Avoid the words ‘you always’ or ‘you never’, and instead, say: ‘What you’re doing right now bothers me.’”

Sheena adds: “Someone’s anger should never make you feel unsafe. If this is the case and you feel at risk of violence, remove yourself and call the emergency services.”

HOW TO… CONTROL THE KIDS

Children have full licence to be loud and playful at Christmas, but when they start bickering or having a tantrum, it’s a headache.

Sheena recommends the old-fashioned “talking stick”.

“This is where you pass round the ‘stick’ – a pencil or pen – and it’s held by the child that is talking and then passed on to the next person to speak,” she says.

“This encourages children to listen and be more mindful with each other.”

Or try a 20-minute distraction technique – a game, a walk or whatever film is on TV.

In the middle of serving Christmas dinner? Get the kids to help and they’ll soon forget their squabbling.

“While it’s normal for children to bicker at times, if they are really playing up, it could be that they are picking up on underlying tension and their behaviour is simply a reflection of what’s going on,” Sheena warns.

“Children learn how to behave by example. They’re more likely to be calm if they see the adults around them treating each other with kindness.”

HOW TO… BE MORE PRESENT

The festive season can bring up deep-rooted wounds from the past, often because the pressure to play happy families is too much.

“Sometimes people trigger emotions in us that have nothing to do with the actual situation,” says Sheena.

“If unresolved feelings resurface, remember that forgiveness is more about freeing yourself from the past than excusing what has happened.

“Accept that just because you deserve an apology, it does not mean you will ever get one. Instead, look for positive things about that person that you can focus on.”

Jessica says to save the critical analysis of your family for another time.

“Try to put all grudges aside, even if it’s just for a few hours.”