Southern Charm Recap: A Widening Golf
What is wrong with JT? That is not a rhetorical question. I want answers, suggestions, and comments. Anything. Anyone have any intel? Can we DM Venita, the only cast member who seems to have any interest in spending time with the guy, and see if she might have some insider info?
This guy isn’t just awkward and corny he seems maybe a little bit crazy and a little less intelligent than I originally thought. I don’t know. It also seems like he only considers one way to be on the show — to hold Austen and the other guys accountable for how they mistreat their women — but now that they’re all in seemingly stable (if new) relationships, he can’t do that. But yet, he hasn’t found a new tactic; he’s just reverted to the old one as soon as everyone tells him that this tactic has failed. It’s weird. Is it for the show? Is he just like this? Seriously, I want to know.
It reminds me of back when Ashley was on the show. Remember Thomas Ravenel’s girlfriend who showed up, modeled herself after Cruella de Ville, murdered all the puppies in the kingdom, and then slinked off like she didn’t do anything wrong? That’s what JT reminds me of, but Ashley always knew she was a cartoon villain, whereas JT is convinced he’s the only good guy in the low country. It’s weird!
We first see JT meeting with his mom and his sister at his newest property, which he says is the largest Airbnb property in downtown Charleston. Oh, so he’s driving up everyone’s rent so that drunk girls can search for Austen while they’re on their bachelorette weekends. Great. He says it’s especially valuable because it’s zoned as a hotel. I don’t know what that means, but can’t he just make it a hotel? Why not run a hotel? I don’t understand this man at all, and I hope that his mother and sister really get in and decorate this place, or else it’s going to look like Foghorn Leghorn’s smoking room if he decorated on a budget.
At least they know what they’re talking about because as soon as he tells them that he gave Miss Patricia a cane, they know it was a stupid idea. His sister tells him it is “insensitive” and says he should write Patricia an apology letter. This is such a brilliant idea. Patricia is so enamored with the old ways of chivalry and courtship that if he did that, she might think twice about him and actually invite him to some events. He says he’ll apologize next time he sees her, but I have a feeling she might not even look in his direction until she gets a formal letter on engraved stationary delivered by a footman.
JT then meets Craig and Austen for a round of indoor golf, except that he can’t play because of his ATV accident. He’s jabbering on to them, and they are looking at him like they’re forced to sit in a bathroom with the vilest of turds marinating in the bowl refusing to be flushed. Like, what is JT even talking about? I hate to say it again, but it’s weird!
First of all, he wants to hear if Austen forgave him after his weird cane, and they say he did. Then he wants to know if he upset Miss Pat, and they say that he did. Then he gets even stranger. He reminds them of when Madison put on his outfit on the cast trip last year, which she did to make fun of JT, a point that they all generously neglect to bring up. He says that Madison FaceTimed him with her husband Brett — a man hotter than an infrared sauna on the surface of Venus — to ask what happened when they were on the trip. He infers from this that Madison’s husband thinks that Madison and JT hooked up, which is why Madison was wearing his clothes.
First of all, there is no way that Brett, a firefighter who could make $24 million dollars by posting one picture in grey sweatpants to OnlyFans, is intimidated by Don Jr. Jr. over here. Secondly, this guy is dealing with thyroid cancer (poor dear!), and he has better things to think about. Second secondly, couldn’t Madison just show Brett an episode of the show? Then it would make sense why she was wearing his shirt, and it is not a flattering scenario of JT. In fact, what kind of self-own is JT going for just bringing up the incident? When Craig tells everyone at Miss Pat’s Easter lunch about the conversation, Madison says, “Can we all say a prayer for JT, because I am going to fuck him up.” If there is one person in all of Bravodom you do not want to activate, it is Madison Fucking LeCroy. I would go after the scrappiest fighters we have — Kenya Moore, Lindsay Hubbard, Katie Maloney Schwartz Maloney — before I said anything but “Yes, ma’am” and “No, ma’am,” to Madison.
After his Madison rant, he then brings up what Leva said about Austen “dating” lots of girls while with his new girlfriend. This is a totally valid thing to do on a reality show. However, he goes about it all wrong. He basically tells two of Austen’s friends, “Oh, he’s up to his old tricks again. He’s dating all these girls, blah, blah, blah.” Of course they’re going to take his side. If he had said, “Leva said all this on the bus, is there any truth to it,” he would have gotten a different answer, but he just can’t help himself.
Shep says to him, “What’s wrong with you? Stop it. Stop all of it.” Craig takes it even further, “Do you want to be friends with us? Because if you do, you need to stop picking fights with our friend and making things up.” That’s basically Craig threatening his job. That is Craig saying, “No one will film with you unless you stop being a total weirdo, now take that tin foil off your head and act like a person.” JT is so mad he storms out and immediately returns to his lair, dubbed the Pillow Palace. When he tells Venita, his only ally in the group, about it, she says, “JT, you just got back in the friend group; let’s play it cool and not bring up stuff that doesn’t matter.”
What it comes down to is something Craig says: what is happening with Austen and his girlfriend is none of JT’s business. If Leva is gossiping about him in a group context, that is everyone’s business and he should bring it up. But what Austen is or is not doing behind his girlfriend’s back has nothing to do with JT. If he is sleeping around on her, is that great? No. But who is JT, a single boat shoe looking for its purpose, to bring it up? Let Austen make his own damn mistakes.
Craig tells Austen all about this when Austen comes over to hang out in the hot tub, and Craig grills about 27 half-defrosted hot dogs for just the two of them. (At least he finally learned to barbecue.) Austen loves how unhinged it all is, as does everyone when Craig tells the story again at Miss Pat’s Easter Lunch. However, he also says that JT called Miss Pat a “bitch,” which the show couldn’t even find audio for, which means it probably doesn’t exist. I mean, if it did, you know they would have turned it into an extended dance remix by now, and everyone would have had a rave as effigies of JT burned all around Charleston.
Patricia’s Easter party was really cute, and shockingly, so was Shep’s little toast about how Jesus died because people weren’t nice to him. It was also nice to meet Ryan, the new gay “friend of” who may be only two degrees Fahrenheit less hot than Brett. The same goes for his husband, Dr. Eddie. It is customary when there is a new hot gay couple on Southern Charm that I expand their cultural horizons, take them on a trip to Paris, and show them the Eiffel Tower. I had such a blast last year on my little European vacation with Rodrigo and his fiancé Tyler that I can’t wait to take Ryan and Dr. Eddie on the same trip. They’re going to love it when I show them the Eiffel Tower. They’re going to love it so, so much.
The one terrible moment happens at the very end when Whitney is sitting next to Molly, his old girlfriend or situationship, or whatever you call it. Patricia is trying to rekindle their amorousness, but Whitney is oblivious. After Molly tells everyone at the table that she’s lost a bunch of weight and has a hard time keeping it off because she has hormone issues and is on medication that makes her binge eat, she is given a cupcake for dessert. Whitney, with a whiskey slur in his voice, says, “Molly, that’s the last thing you need.” I know that Whitney is probably joking. I know that Whitney thinks that he can say things like that to her because they’re friends. I know he’s not trying to hurt her, but much like giving Miss Pat a cane, even if he didn’t intend to and thought he was being funny, it was a wild misstep. It looks like Whitney is going to need to get out his Written Apology Letter Creation Kit if there is any embossed stationery in it, after all of his years of misdeeds. But I really hope he makes it right with Molly. Whitney can be a bit of a cad, but he better not make us put him on the same level as JT.