Miss Manners: I was embarrassed by the hostess’s muttered complaint about me
DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a dinner party, the hostess had set a lovely table with flowers and candles. I complimented her on the setting.
Later, as dinner started, I found the flowers blocking my view of the guest across from me, preventing any potential conversation. I was interested in talking with this guest, so I asked the hostess if we could move the tall flowers so we could see each other. (Some beautiful, shorter flowers and tall candles remained on the table.)
She moved them, but muttered loud enough for everyone to hear that she had set a beautiful table and I was ruining the look.
It was very embarrassing, but I thanked her for moving them and didn’t say anything else.
Later, my husband told me I shouldn’t have said anything. I felt I handled it appropriately and the host should have been more gracious.
GENTLE READER: If your husband was suggesting you did anything wrong, Miss Manners will disagree.
But perhaps he was merely suggesting that, since you both know your hostess, her reaction was predictable: You were lucky she did not lower the level of the flowers by emptying the vase into your lap.
If it happens again, you could repeat your compliment of the flowers when asking that they be moved, or perhaps get a firm grip on them as you make the request.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Someone asked me to confirm something, but I don’t want to because it’s a personal matter.
I don’t want to lie and deny it, but neither do I want to admit it’s true, because it’s too personal.
It seems that if I deflect or don’t answer directly, they will still take the avoidance as a “yes.” What can I say?
GENTLE READER: “No.”
Avoidance — or its more persistent cousin, procrastination — often leads to confirmation bias. Your friend wants you to confirm something, and, if given no evidence to the contrary, will decide that you have.
Miss Manners suggests that a kind, firm “no” would be more clear for everyone involved.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My work friend has asked me to lunch a few times, but I just can’t afford to go out.
I don’t want to assume she is treating me, but I also don’t want to discuss my financial situation. I have made excuses but hate to continue to do so.
GENTLE READER: Then accept without discussing your financial situation — or requiring anyone to pay. Say that you have been bringing lunch to work, and that if she wants to do the same, you would enjoy eating with her.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a co-worker who has mentioned on a few occasions that she can’t attend certain work-related functions because she has a grown son with special needs, and has to get home to him.
Since she has mentioned it a few times, I think she is OK talking about it. How do I ask her about her son without prying?
GENTLE READER: The natural time to ask would be immediately after the son is mentioned in connection with one of the invitations.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.