Dear Abby: We were hard on her, now wish we knew our daughter better

DEAR ABBY: My spouse and I have been happily married for 31 years. However, we have a strained relationship with our daughter "Willa." Although we don't like her pothead/never-held-a-job boyfriend of four years, we've tried to accept him. We even paid for a family vacation and included him.

I'll admit we were hard on Willa growing up, but we always said she could live at home while going to school. She's a hard worker, and we have told her how proud we are of her accomplishments. She's going to school, works two jobs and has never needed anything from us.

We see our daughter only on special occasions. We did family therapy to help our relationship, but she stopped going when the boyfriend came into the picture. My question is: How can I have a good relationship with my daughter? — MISSING IT IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR MISSING IT: You created a daughter who is self-reliant, hardworking and independent, and who likely distanced herself from you because you were so "hard" on her while she was growing up. I don't know whether I should congratulate you or commiserate with you, but as far as having a close relationship with your daughter, that ship may have sailed — unless you can convince Willa to get back into family therapy with you.

DEAR ABBY: My son's father, "Tony," and I dated for two years before our son was born. We split up seven years ago, and it's been on and off most of the time since then. This past year we have been growing closer again, and I asked him what he wants. Tony said he doesn't want a romantic relationship with anyone right now because he is working on his anger issues. He's a former combat Marine, and he's had these issues for years.

I have been honest about wanting a relationship when he is ready, but I'm really confused with the mixed messages he sends me. I asked about setting boundaries we both agree on, but Tony says he doesn't need any and that I should do what I feel is right for me. This leaves me feeling I'd be being used if the situation becomes intimate.

I have drawn the boundary at no sex unless we are in a relationship. Tony treats me like a friend and wants to hug or kiss me at times. I feel that because we don't currently want the same relationship, I should move on. What is your advice? — ON HOLD IN OHIO

DEAR ON HOLD: I am sorry you didn't mention how Tony's anger issues manifest themselves. If they are so severe that he acts out, he does need professional help. You have wisely postponed having (more) sex with him without some kind of commitment, which he's unwilling to make.

From what you have written, your son's father isn't interested in more than a friendly relationship with you so he can have one with his son. While I admire that, I do NOT think you should plan on a future with him, or you could end up waiting forever.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." Send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds), to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)