How to talk about finances with your partner (especially if one of you makes more money)

The nature of work, money, the housing market and life today means that many people are likely to find themselves in a mixed-finance relationship.

If you are in your 20s or 30s and dating, this may sound familiar – your partner may have started their career already while you are still a student. You may already own a property and meet someone struggling to pay the bills.

Money has enormous influence over our lives, and can dictate the power balance in relationships. Over the course of a long-term relationship, this balance will probably change. Weddings, children, home ownership, career breaks, periods of illness or unemployment and retirement can all affect a couple’s finances.

No one’s 20s and 30s look the same. You might be saving for a mortgage or just struggling to pay rent. You could be swiping dating apps, or trying to understand childcare. No matter your current challenges, our Quarter Life series has articles to share in the group chat, or just to remind you that you’re not alone.

Read more from Quarter Life:

• Treat culture: why indulging in small, affordable pleasures can help you cope with tough times

• Expert advice for budding entrepreneurs during a cost of living crisis

• If you have money anxiety, knowing your financial attachment style can help

As a couples therapist, I am well aware of the disastrous consequences money can have in a relationship. A 2023 survey by the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy found that 55% of therapists are seeing an increase in couples seeking help with finance problems.

It’s no wonder there is an emerging trend of “money therapists” who specialise in supporting people with their personal finances.

Money anxiety

Money raises all kinds of anxieties and issues often deriving from our childhood experiences. If your family had little money as you were growing up, you may worry about not having enough money. This may lead you to seek a partner who can support you financially.

For some, this may make you feel secure and cared for initially, but you may eventually resent the ease with which your partner seems to earn and relate to money.

You may not be fully aware of these feelings or where they come from. It may be helpful to get to know your own relationship with money, your “financial attachment style” before you try to understand someone else’s.

Financial anxieties can spiral into behaviour that harms a relationship, like keeping secrets. If you find your negative spending patterns embarrassing, you may feel the need to hide these from your partner. Or if you have large investments, you might feel the need to protect them. This kind of financial infidelity can break down relationship trust.

To avoid this, it is important to talk about financial values and money management with your partner. This can be uncomfortable or challenging, especially if you come from unequal financial backgrounds.

Finding a financial fit

Most couples are financially imbalanced from the outset, but this doesn’t mean they can’t work. You can develop a healthy financial relationship that is based on trust, acceptance and understanding, but this requires honest and open communication.

A key piece of advice is to go deeper than how much you earn. The amount you bring to a relationship is less important than your financial values – the meaning you attach to money and how you manage it.

Talk about the value you both attach to money and how it relates to your family upbringing, gender and employment. Discuss how you value the financial and non-financial contributions you both make to the relationship. And figure out how you want to manage money in the relationship and what your financial goals as a couple are.

Couples therapists like me often talk about “couple fit” – the thing that makes you click, but that you can’t quite put a name to. It’s what makes us feel like we have found a partner that meets our needs. Shared financial values are strongly linked to relationship quality and satisfaction, and are an important part of couple fit.

If you and your partner agree on how you want to use your money to improve your lives and those around you, your money motivations are complementary. But if, for example, one of you enjoys the power and status aspects of money while the other doesn’t, you will clash.

Sharing money management responsibilities can also help you and your partner get on the same page. Research shows that couples who have shared bank accounts, jointly plan spending and savings enjoy more relationship satisfaction, less financial conflict and better sexual relationships than less financially integrated couples.

While couples thrive on money collaboration, keeping your own financial independence is critical. A relationship is not a reliable way to secure your financial future. Breakups can be expensive, but the financial impact is lessened if you have maintained your financial independence during the relationship.

Make sure you have a plan for how to retain your financial independence and secure your own personal finances. Couples can still collaborate and be financially honest while keeping an element of individual financial independence.

It is never too early or too late to start to talk about money, regardless of whether you are a few weeks or decades into your relationship. If you struggle, bringing in a third person, be that a therapist, financial advisor or trusted friend can be helpful.

Ylva Baeckstrom does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.