5 ways to survive Thanksgiving in politically divided families

This Thanksgiving, turkey might come with a side dish of “Cry harder, lib!” or “Shut up, fascist!”

That’s the scenario facing families with loved ones on opposite sides of the political spectrum.

With a presidential election decided by a narrow popular vote margin barely in the rearview mirror, the chances of politics ruining a holiday meant for gratitude and unity are as high as ever.

“If bonded family members cannot break bread and enjoy turkey together this Thanksgiving, then the chances of national unity are dim indeed,” Elisabeth Joy LaMotte, a psychotherapist and licensed social worker based in Washington, D.C., said via email.

It’s an issue that goes beyond the Thanksgiving dinner table.

A 2022 New York Times/Siena College poll found almost 1 in 5 voters reported politics hurt their friendships or family relationships.

Thanksgiving also might bring together people used to life in echo chambers. In 2020, National Public Radio, citing Pew Research Center data, reported that almost 80% of Americans had “just a few” to no friends with opposing political views.

A poll conducted this month shows American families still struggle with political polarization. The poll of 2,000 to 3,000 U.S. adults by the data firm Prolific found that 22% of Americans report increased polarization within their families after the Nov. 5 election, with a quarter of young Americans fearing political discussions could lead to arguments at Thanksgiving.

Before 2016, when President-elect Donald Trump first won the White House, Michelle Shahbazyan, a Newport Beach-based marriage and family therapist said she “had never seen or heard really much about people talking about politics” in relationships.

“ … So yes, (politics dividing families is) absolutely a very real thing,” she added. “It’s died down quite a bit this presidential election compared to the last two, and I think people are just understanding that all that fighting … It just wasn’t worth it.”

Here are some tips from experts on how to keep the peace among political polar opposites at the Thanksgiving table.

No politics for dinner

A pre-emptive ban on political talk during Thanksgiving is one strategy.

“I find setting boundaries and ground rules highly productive in the process of enhancing family well-being,” Paul Hokemeyer, an author and Colorado-based therapist, said via email.

For a ban to work, the ground rules must be clear, consistent and enforceable, Hokemeyer said.

“Such enforcement can be done with a sense of humor,” he said. “A consequence such as ‘the person who crosses the boundary needs to go outside for 15 minutes for a time out and cool down.’”

Set the table for calm

Trying to create a tranquil atmosphere might help.

“Set up a calm corner where people can go to, where people have the urge to go. This assists in keeping calm,” Dr. Courtney Scott, medical director of Empower Recovery Center in Toluca Lake, said via email.

“This space might encompass some soothing music, or books, or theme-based activities that help in calming down stress levels.”

Managing the flow of alcohol and food also is key, Shahbazyan said.

“Have enough food for everybody throughout the night,” she said. “Start out with the appetizer so people aren’t getting hungry and cranky. Things like that really help to diffuse the situation.”

Remember who you control — and it’s not them

The most effective way to keep politics from ruining Thanksgiving might lie within.

“I think you can only control yourself and your own mindset,” Shahbazyan said.

“There’s so many different personalities and there may be people invited that you don’t even know what their political stance is. But the best policy is to be a good example.”

Deep breathing, listening without judging and listening more than talking can help ease tensions, Shahbazyan, Scott and Hokemeyer said. You also can view politics talk as a teachable moment, LaMotte said.

“Two otherwise bonded and compatible family members could find themselves living in completely different worlds based on their media habits and algorithms,” she said. “So the discussion can focus on learning about each others’ sources of data and information, which could be informative and even illuminating.”

It also helps if you come prepared with a response, Shahbazyan said.

“If you know you’re getting into a situation where there’s going to be people like that, having one, two (or) three comments (ready, such as) ‘We won last time, maybe we’ll win next time … (or) ‘That’s why we have this voting system’” can help, she said.

Gratitude’s the attitude

Instead of focusing on your differences during Thanksgiving, concentrate on what you have in common and what you’re thankful for, experts said.

“Ask the participant to put out something they are grateful for, bringing in mind the good things and uniting everyone, rather than concentrating on bad memories,” Scott said.

“People remembering to be thankful throughout the holiday enhances their emotional connection with each other and epitomizes the love associated with the festive period.”

Don’t react. Detach.

There are ways to handle your MAGA-hat-wearing uncle or your ACLU-card-carrying niece if they can’t avoid stirring things up.

Telling them to shut up isn’t one of them, Shahbazyan said.

“Realistically, somebody who’s already so frustrated, (hearing) that is probably going to frustrate them even more (and feel like) ‘Now I’m being silenced,’” she said.

Instead, “Just be very completely detached and just watch them,” Shahbazyan said.

“Let them put on their show. Let them get heated. Let them get worked up. It has nothing to do with you. You don’t have to have an exchange of energy with a person like that.”

Instead of getting defensive, you can “acknowledge the other person’s point of view as valid to them, and you don’t demean them for holding their viewpoint,” Hokemeyer said.

“Also, remember that at the end of the day, you need to decide if you’d rather be right or feel right with your loved ones.”