Joe and Mika Reconcile With the Don
Setting: A tuxedo-clad Donald Trump cradles a calico cat while sitting behind an oak desk in a replica Oval Office in Mar-a-Lago. Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski stand before him. Elon Musk and Robert F. Kennedy Jr., flank the room’s doorframe.
Joe: I believe in MSNBC. MSNBC has made my fortune. And Mika and I were raised in an MSNBC fashion.
Mika: They let us spew preposterous nonsense.
Joe: MSNBC gave us freedom, and we were taught never to dishonor MSNBC.
Mika: MSNBC handles that by itself.
Trump: Why did you go to MSNBC? Why didn’t you come to me first?
Joe (tearing up): I did! I wanted to be your vice president in 2016, but I was passed over. What do you ask of me? Tell me anything, but do what I beg you to do.
Some day, and that day may never come, I’ll call upon you to do a service for me.
Trump: And what is that?
Joe: To not line us up against a wall and kill us by machine-gun fire.
Mika: It would ruin my fur coat.
(Musk and Kennedy glance at each other and chuckle.)
Trump (perplexed): What makes you think I would do that?
Joe: That’s what we said you wanted to do to Liz Cheney, even though we understood you in context and wanted to stoke fear among the populace. Now we’re worried you might actually do it.
Mika: Kim Jong-Un did that to his uncle.
Trump: We’ve known each other for many years, but this is the first time in seven years you have come to me for counsel, for help. I can’t remember the last time you invited me to your penthouse for coffee. But let’s be frank here: you never wanted my friendship. You feared to be in my debt.
Joe: We didn’t want our ratings to tank.
Mika: That’s happening now.
Trump: I understand you found utopia at MSNBC and make a good living. MSNBC protected you. And you didn’t need my friendship. Now you come to me and say, “Donald, don’t execute us,” but you don’t say it with respect. You don’t offer friendship. You don’t even think of calling me “Mr. President.”
Instead, you come into my house on the day when I near 77 million popular votes and ask me to forget your insults. You say I would murder my enemies. You call me a threat to democracy. You compare me to Hitler, knowing my son-in-law is Jewish, as are some of my grandchildren. Tell me, if you truly believe me to be a genocidal maniac bent on eradicating entire races, why would you seek a meeting with me?
Joe (sobbing uncontrollably): Those insults boost our ratings. The more ridiculous we make you sound, the more people watch. MSNBC doesn’t care if we say you’ll cancel future elections, murder every House member and Senator, and wear a white military uniform with dozens of bizarre medals on your chest. We don’t believe what we tell our audience — we tell them what they want to hear.
Mika: We play them for fools and wouldn’t be caught dead with those losers.
(Trump places the cat on the ground, stands, and turns his back on Joe and Mika.)
Trump: Joe… Joe… What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully?
Joe: You insulted my wife’s physical appearance.
Mika: I’ve had many facelifts. My face never bled from one of them.
Trump (shrugging): You should always take me seriously, never literally. Now your ratings are in ruin. Had you initially sought my friendship, you would never have insulted me. MSNBC would be a powerhouse of intellectualism instead of a hellscape of idiocy. And should an honest newsman like yourself make enemies at other networks, they would become my enemies. And they would fear you.
Joe (wiping away tears): Everyone points at us and laughs, even our housekeeper.
Mika: Please don’t deport Yolanda.
(Trump turns to Joe and Mika and extends his right hand. Joe embraces it and kneels.)
Joe: Please don’t murder us, Mr. President. (Joe kisses an emerald ring on Trump’s hand.)
Trump: Good.
Mika: You can kill (MSNBC personality) Willie Geist if you’re desperate. He’s always late bringing me my morning scone.
Trump: Some day, and that day may never come, I’ll call upon you to do a service for me. Perhaps I’ll ask you to slobber over me during an interview as Stephanie Ruhle did to Kamala Harris. But until that day, accept this promise that I won’t murder you or anyone as a gift on the day when I near 77 million popular votes.
(Joe and Mika repeatedly bow to Trump while backing out of the room. Musk slams the door in their faces.)
Trump (to Kennedy): Do you think Greg Gutfeld would make a good Secretary of the Navy?
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