Don’t Worry, You’re Not ‘Undatable’
I have a friend in his late 30s who is a recovering alcoholic. He spent a large portion of his 20s overcoming his addiction. While he never doubted his ability to be a great partner, he did worry what his dates would think when he mentioned why he no longer drinks.
After a few tough rejections, he began to worry that his past made him “undatable.”
[time-brightcove not-tgx=”true”]Over time, however, he found a way to tell his story. He shared that he’d struggled with alcohol, realized he’d had a problem, and had been sober for a long time. He explained how the experience had helped him grow, speaking from a place of strength and growth. He did not ask his dates for acceptance or permission.
One day, he matched with a woman who had grown up in an abusive household. When he told his story, instead of being turned off, she felt relieved. She had baggage. He had baggage. Their baggage could match!
Instead of her typical experience on dates—dreading the moment when someone asked her about her family—she finally felt comfortable sharing her truth. Today, they’re in a committed relationship, with a beautiful house, supportive community, and adorable baby.
I’m sharing this story because, as a dating coach and the Director of Relationship Science at Hinge, I often hear from people who feel like there’s something big they need to disclose on early dates—chronic illness, mental health struggles, college debt, family estrangement, lack of romantic experience, or trauma. They worry these parts of their lives make them unworthy of love. They don’t know how to share this information and worry they’ll be rejected. They tense up on dates, waiting for the inevitable moment when the awkward topic will arise. Or they avoid dates altogether.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. Your vulnerability, when shared intentionally and authentically, can make you feel powerful, not powerless. In fact, as research shows, vulnerability can even be sexy.
Read More: Stop Taking First Dates So Seriously
Consider the science: We’re attracted to vulnerability because of what psychologists call the “beautiful mess effect”—a phenomenon in which we tend to judge our own displays of vulnerability more negatively than others do. What feels to us like exposing our weakness through vulnerability, others tend to see as an act of bravery and authenticity. We want to project a perfect, glossy exterior, but that doesn’t give the other person anything to grab onto. You need roughness and ridges for that. When you disclose deeper truths, you make your dates feel more comfortable sharing what’s really going on for them.
If you still need convincing, let’s look at the numbers. In a survey we conducted at Hinge with over 4,000 daters on the app, we found that 93% of singles are looking for someone who’s comfortable being vulnerable. And they’re 66% more likely to go on a second date with someone who shows emotional vulnerability on the first date. In fact, a majority say emotional vulnerability is the biggest thing they’re looking for on a first date—ranking it higher than attractiveness, income, or height.
Despite this, only a third of people say they show emotional vulnerability on a first date because they’re afraid it will be a turn-off. Men, in particular, feel this pressure: 75% say they rarely or never show vulnerability on first dates because they worry it will make them seem weak or undesirable.
But here’s the thing: The people who reject you for being vulnerable are not your people. Someone who judges you for your past, your struggles, or your truth isn’t the right partner for you. And the sooner you find that out, the better.
Of course, there’s a right way and a wrong way to be vulnerable on an early date. It’s about sharing intentionally, with boundaries, from a place of growth and self-awareness. Remember: this is a date, not a therapy session.
Here’s how to tell your story in a way that feels empowering, not overwhelming:
Don’t rush
Intimacy needs to be earned. While you may want to get something off your chest, you don’t have to disclose everything on the first date. If someone asks you a question you’re uncomfortable with, you can tactfully deflect. For example, let’s say you are estranged from your family. If your date tells you all about their mom’s famous lasagna recipe, and asks about your parents, you can smile and say, “My family life is messy. We can get into it another time.” You can also say your family doesn’t have similar traditions and leave it at that.
Explain how this experience helped you grow
You are not asking the other person to feel bad for you. Instead, you’re telling them how going through this has helped you become who you are. When you share your narrative from a place of confidence, people will respect you, not reject you.
For example, you can say things like, “While I wish I were closer with my family, I’ve worked hard to create a chosen family of friends, and I’m excited to build my own family one day.” Or “Of course, I wouldn’t have chosen to spend my college years undergoing chemo, but it’s the reason I decided to become a doctor.” Or “I’m really proud of the work I’ve done to get through this, and it’s made me a more empathetic person.”
Remember that their reaction is about them, not you
Some people will be able to handle your vulnerability, others won’t. If they seem uncomfortable or judgmental, that says more about who they are and where they are in life than it does about your dateability. This is your story and your experience. You are sharing, not asking for their permission, forgiveness, or acceptance.
Feeling “undatable” is a story we tell ourselves, but it’s not the truth. What makes you human—your struggles, your imperfections, your messy, beautiful story—is exactly what makes you lovable. Vulnerability isn’t a liability; it’s your greatest asset. And when you share your authentic self, you’re giving someone else permission to do the same.