A tech founder who lives an hour away from his wife and daughter shares how he overcomes the guilt of not being home

• Alex Li lives in Dover, Delaware, which is 55 miles from where his wife and daughter reside.
• Spending time away from his family so that he could work on his startup has led to guilt and regret.
• Rather than fixating on those feelings, Li focuses on what he can do to be there for his family.

As a 34-year-old founder, husband, and dad, Alex Li is away from his family more than he'd like to be. He lives in Dover, Delaware, where his AI education company is based, while his nine-year-old daughter and his wife live 55 miles away in Wilmington, Delaware with his wife's parents.

Li decided to live in Dover because the daily commute between the two cities would be over two hours, which isn't feasible given his workload.

"Although my family is very supportive of my work and understands the fact that I have to leave home for work, I still often feel very sorry and guilty," Li said.

He was only able to return home occasionally in the launch years

Li launched his company StudyX in 2021. "It was a very hard time," he said, as he worked until 2 or 3 a.m. every day while trying to find investors and grow his team. "Apart from sleeping and eating, almost all of my time was devoted to this project," Li said. "Even though Wilmington and Dover aren't far apart, it was still hard for me to make time for my family."

At the time, his daughter was in kindergarten. His wife, who worked remotely for around 20 hours a week and had more flexibility, shouldered the childcare with the help of her parents.

During those launch years, Li was only able to make the hourlong drive home once every week or two for about half a day and on holidays.

"I could only work harder to complete the project as soon as possible, while also ensuring that my family didn't have to worry too much about the finances," he said.

Video updates helped, but guilt would still flare up

To help bridge the gap, his wife sent him daily video updates of their daughter. "My daughter was really cute, and she sometimes sang me her newly learned nursery rhymes," Li said. He would squeeze in time during lunch or dinner to reply and sometimes send short videos or pictures back to them.

But when Li's daughter asked him when he'd be coming home, when he could pick her up from school, or if he could stay at home for a few more days on his next visit, his feelings of guilt flared up.

"Every time my wife sent me messages telling me our kid had made a new friend at kindergarten or learned some new words, I got a complex feeling of happiness, guilt, and regret," Li said.

Men should take on more family responsibilities, Li said

Some of Li's male friends didn't understand why he felt guilty. "The traditional idea that men leave home for work to earn money and women stay at home and take care of children is still deeply rooted in some Asian cultural backgrounds," Li said.

Once, when Li told a friend how he felt terrible for being unable to do something with his daughter, his friend said she would understand and be grateful once she was older.

Although Li appreciated the friend's attempt at comfort, "it sounded like an excuse to avoid facing the situation," Li said.

Li feels that men should take on more family and childcare responsibilities. When he's home, he helps tackle household chores and prioritizes quality time with his daughter.

If his wife needs a break, Li's daughter stays with him in Dover while his wife takes a vacation. "I'll bring my daughter to the office and spend all day together," Li said. "All of our team members know that we're 24/7 inseparable best friends."

Actions speak louder than guilt

Rather than being caught up in guilt and the mental whiplash of his situation's shortcomings, Li focuses on what he can do.

For example, he made good on a promise to bring his daughter to Universal Studios Singapore on his first day after finishing a big project. "My daughter was incredibly excited since it had been years since we traveled together as a family," Li recalled.

His favorite memory was watching the sunset at the beach after their day at Universal. "There's something special about those quiet, uninterrupted moments together as a family," he said. "We could just be present with each other."

While Li still feels bad about the time he's missed with his family, he's committed to making more time for them and has promised his daughter that they'll travel abroad together every year. This year, they took a trip to Spain.

"I make sure to write down promises to my daughter to keep track, so I don't forget in the midst of a busy schedule," Li said.

He now has more time to spend with his family

After three years of around-the-clock work, Li's startup has grown and his team has expanded, giving him a lighter workload and more flexibility. While he's still based in Dover, he's been spending more time with his family over the past two months, working remotely from home in Wilmington several days a week.

"While I still need to work regularly with my team in Dover, I can now guarantee two or three days a week to go home to Wilmington and spend time with my family," Li said. "There, I can take on the responsibilities of being a son, husband, and father."

He's been able to be more involved in responsibilities like picking his daughter up from school, helping with homework, and looking after his wife's parents. He also has more quality time to spend with his wife. "If she faces any challenges, she no longer has to handle them on her own," Li said. "We can share the load and support each other."

Li isn't certain how well this ideal schedule will work, as he still needs to have some in-person meetings, has to travel to meet with team members and users based globally, and knows he'll have busy work periods in the future.

"All in all, no matter what changes my career will have, I'll try to squeeze more time to be with my family," he said.

For others in his situation, Li's advice is to focus on actions rather than thoughts. "We all feel guilty or sorry for not spending time with our families, but more importantly, we need to take action to make up for it," Li said.

If you struggle with parental guilt as you balance family with career and would like to share your story, email Jane Zhang at janezhang@businessinsider.com.