I caught my husband masturbating – now I’ve installed a camera to spy on him
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN my husband and I moved into a house that has an en-suite bathroom, with a glass window, I thought it would be fun to have a peek at him in the bath.
I was shocked and hurt to see him masturbating. He denied it, saying he was just washing himself, but I don’t believe him. Now, I’ve started checking on him regularly.
We’ve been married for 10 years. I’m 34 and he’s 36.
At the start of our relationship, he told me he doesn’t – and wouldn’t – masturbate, and I took him at his word.
After the bathroom incident, I tried to catch him out again, but he could always hear me coming.
So I secretly hooked up a ring camera above the bathroom cupboard to spy on him. Now I have definitive proof that he’s been lying to me.
I’ve also realised that all the times in the past when he’s said he’s too tired for sex, or couldn’t perform, it was because he’d been pleasuring himself instead.
He said he loved me and that I was enough for him. I feel rejected and betrayed and unloved.
Now, whenever he goes to have a bath, I make excuses to be in the bathroom with him, so he can’t touch himself.
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DEIDRE SAYS: Please disable that camera, you are invading his privacy and potentially eroding any trust in your marriage.
Masturbating is a normal and natural activity, which many men and women do. It’s often a form of release or stress relief, and helps people to get in touch with their own bodies.
It’s not harmful and, unless it’s done to excess, shouldn’t interfere with sex between a couple.
See my support pack, Worried About Masturbation.
Perhaps you were brought up to think of it as sinful.
It’s wrong that your husband lied to you, but he probably didn’t want to hurt you and thought you wouldn’t find out.
You need to talk to him and be honest about what you’ve done and how you feel, so you can work this out together.
If you’re not happy with your sex life, then this is also something you can work on.Couples counselling might be helpful.
Contact Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org) to arrange sessions.
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