The uncomfortable truth behind the lavender marriage trend

Our culture loves to celebrate marriage and what it represents: love, happiness, unity, and continuity until death do you part. But for some, marriage has been more for convenience than anything else.

This isn't really surprising, considering current political turmoil (some people are getting divorced due to their partners' differing political views), the absolute mess that dating apps have become, and the increasing difficulty of sustaining enough cash to pay for a life worth living. (And let's not forget about the aftermath of the COVID lockdown.)

These challenges, among others, have led handfuls of Gen Zers (aka younger people born between the late 1990s and early 2010s) to opt for alternative arrangements, including "lavender marriages" — unions initially reserved for the LGBTQ community.

What is a lavender marriage?

The term "lavender marriage" dates back to the early 20th century. It originally referred to a heterosexual marriage between one or two LGBTQ people.

"Lavender marriages have been around for decades, originally as a way to keep a low profile — especially for people hiding their sexual orientation in eras and industries where being 'out' wasn't an option," Channa Bromley, PhD, and founder of the Metamorphosis Relationship Coaching Institute (MRCI) tells Mashable.

These marriages were prevalent in Hollywood during the 1920s, when actors and actresses were pressured via "morality clauses" (introduced by the Universal Film Company, per History) to maintain appearances. Some famous examples include Rock Hudson's marriage to Phyllis Gates and Barbara Stanwyck's marriage to Robert Taylor.

In the 1930s, William Haines, one of the most popular silent film stars at the time, pushed back against Hollywood's demands (specifically Louis B. Mayer, studio chief of MGM) and left his career to live with his boyfriend, Jimmie Shields. Haines is said to be one of the first openly gay actors in Hollywood.

It wasn't until the late '60s and '70s, with the rise of the gay rights movement following the Stonewall riots, that the LGBTQ community could start being more open about their identity. Former President Bill Clinton signed an executive order in 1998 to prohibit employment discrimination based on sexual orientation.

Redefining "I do" — lavender marriages in the 21st century

Lavender marriages may have roots in the LGBTQ community, but Gen Z has decided to adopt the term in a new context.

"Flash forward, and we've got Gen Z reimagining this concept, but with their own spin," says Bromley. "For a generation that's dealing with sky-high living costs and social isolation, lavender marriages have evolved into something that's not just about hiding but about creating stability, connection, and shared support."

In an October Business Insider article, writer Lindsay Dodgson says Gen Zers are "redefining" lavender marriages because they're "tired of being broke, single, and lonely." The hashtag #lavendermarriage has garnered millions of views on TikTok, with Gen Z users putting out video ads for potential lavender marriage partners.

"Gen Z is rejecting the standard marriage blueprint, focusing instead on shared goals: financial security, reliable companionship, and a partner who's down to weather life's ups and downs without necessarily being 'the one,'" Bromley adds. "In a world where the romance script doesn't fit everyone's story, these modern lavender marriages are a radical way of rethinking relationships — less about the fairytale, more about building a stable, sustainable life with someone who gets it."

This evolved interpretation of lavender marriages shares similarities with queer platonic partnerships (QPPs). Like lavender marriages, QPPs focus on deep emotional connection and commitment but without the romantic or sexual expectations of traditional relationships. Both arrangements offer a way to build intimate, supportive bonds that defy conventional labels and expectations.

The potential benefits

Moving in with your BFF and splitting the bills doesn't sound too shabby, and several people on Reddit have spoken up about the advantages of a lavender marriage, like:

• Sharing the cost of health insurance and other living expenses

• Having a built-in support system, babysitter (if you're a parent), and wing-person

• Tax benefits

• Someone to help around the house (that they can now afford) 

• Being able to sleep in your own bed and have your own space while still getting the perks of coupledom

• Feeling safe and protected from abusive or controlling partners

This type of arrangement might also benefit people on the asexual spectrum, Suzannah Weiss, relationship coach and resident sexologist for sex shop Biird, tells Mashable. 

"They may experience some level of attraction or desire, but it may not be a top priority for them when they're choosing their relationships or living situation," she says. "A lavender marriage can provide this kind of person with the companionship that they're seeking, free from the pressure to be romantic or sexual with someone."

Some lavender couples might choose a monogamous setup, while others might opt for an open relationship.

"Love can take many forms and should be enjoyed in whatever form you can find it in," says Weiss. "People value different things in their relationships, and if they value emotional intimacy over physical or romantic intimacy, this might be a good arrangement for them," she continues. "Someone who is non-monogamous could also enter into a lavender marriage for financial, citizenship, or compatibility reasons and continue to date and seek different types of connections in addition."

The potential drawbacks

Even though the unofficial slogan "marry your best friend" sounds nice, lavender marriages aren't always as straightforward as the social media hype might have you believe.

Lavender marriages can be emotionally risky, especially if you're not upfront about your expectations and boundaries from the start.

Even if you enter into a purely platonic and/or non-monogamous agreement, there's a chance that one or both partners might develop romantic feelings, complicating the arrangement and potentially leading to heartbreak. While heartbreak can certainly happen in a "traditional marriage," too, the stakes are arguably higher if the whole point is to marry for practical reasons. Not to mention the jealousy that could come if one partner starts dating someone else even if it's "technically" allowed, and you're concealing your real feelings.

If things don't work out, you'll have to get a real divorce and may lose the friendship. And, depending on how badly the "breakup" goes, there's the risk of being outed — especially if the lavender marriage was intended for its original purpose to conceal one or both partners' sexual orientation, and they weren't close friends beforehand (like those TikTokkers looking for partners).

"The two most important aspects of the relationship, should it be terminated at some point in time, are the division of assets and confidentiality," family law and divorce attorney Yonatan Levoritz tells Mashable. "No one wants to be outed by their spouse or best friend who at one time was the protector of their most precious secret — their sexuality," he says.

Levoritz recommends setting clear legal agreements with strong confidentiality clauses to avoid this trainwreck of a situation.

Why lavender marriages are less wholesome and more worrisome than anything else

Lavender marriages are, in many ways, a symptom of a deeply flawed system, fueled by an unstable economy and a lack of social support. Housing costs, stagnant — or falling — wages, and unattainable healthcare are pushing people to bend over backward and forgo true intimacy with someone (who should be your best friend in the first place, IMO) to survive.

And it's not just about the financial struggles; it's about safety, too. Women often can't even walk down the street without fear of harassment or assault, and the sad reality is that intimate partner violence is common: One in three women and one in four men are victims of some physical violence at the hands of an intimate partner in their lifetime, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Nearly all (99 percent) of domestic violence cases include financial abuse, like forbidding the victim to work or hiding money, according to the National Network to End Domestic Violence. In a world where just existing can feel dangerous, a lavender marriage, even without romance, might seem like a way to find some security and avoid those risks.

If basic needs like housing, food, and healthcare were more accessible — and we lived in a society that valued community, connection, and healthy relationships instead of ghosting, breadcrumbing, and catfishing — maybe the younger generation wouldn't be so eager to settle for a workaround.

The bottom line

Lavender marriages might seem convenient, but that doesn't mean they're without risk. If you're thinking about getting into a lavender marriage, make sure you're on the same page as your partner about expectations, boundaries, and exit plans.

If you have experienced sexual abuse, call the free, confidential National Sexual Assault hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673), or access the 24-7 help online by visiting online.rainn.org.