When I was worried about turning into my manipulative mother, you reassured me
DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER many years spent angry and frustrated at my selfish, manipulative mother, I wrote for help.
Although I loved her, she was very cold and made everything about herself.
I’m 35 and she’s 67.
She’d ring me and keep talking for three hours – which affected my relationship with my husband and kids.
My marriage eventually fell apart and I became depressed.
She never helped with my kids, unless it was on her terms, but still expected to be ‘star grandma’.
I’d begun to worry history was repeating itself, and I was a bad mum too.
You told me she had narcissistic tendencies and that it was unlikely she’d ever change.
I needed to accept that and stop feeling guilty, because I’d done my best.
You also reassured me I was a great mum and nothing like her.
You recommended Stand Alone (standalone.org.uk), which helps people estranged from a family member and suggested counselling.
Then you wrote back to check on me and, when I said I wasn’t doing well, gave me more advice and comfort.
It meant so much, and has made me feel I can work through my issues.
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DEIDRE SAYS: Sometimes, the healthiest thing we can do is keep toxic loved ones at arm’s length.
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