Dear Abby: An old outgrown sweater has caused a rift in our friendship
DEAR ABBY: When I was a teenager, my immigrant grandparents brought back hand-knit sweaters from Ireland, the country in which they were born, for everyone in our family.
I cherish mine and take care of it, even though I’ve outgrown it.
Recently, a close friend asked to borrow this sweater for her neighbor’s child, who needed “something Irish” for a show-and-tell event at school. The kids were asked to bring items that had to do with Ireland.
When I refused to lend my heirloom sweater, my friend told me she’d already promised her neighbor she could borrow it. She became very angry, accused me of being selfish and hasn’t spoken to me for a couple months.
We live in the same town, so I run into her sometimes. She’s cordial but distant and clearly still upset with me.
Bear in mind that I hardly know my friend’s neighbor, the one who wanted to borrow my sweater for her child. But even if I did, I wouldn’t loan this heirloom to anyone. Was I wrong?
— SENTIMENTAL IN MICHIGAN
DEAR SENTIMENTAL: You were neither selfish nor wrong! Your “friend” was out of line.
She should never have promised anyone the use of property that wasn’t hers. And for her to ice you now for refusing to give it to her and risk that something so precious to you could be damaged is plenty nervy.
My advice is to follow her example. Be cordial but distant, and do not permit her to make you the bad guy for saying no.
DEAR ABBY: I have been friends with a couple for 30 years. Both are alcoholics.
They function, work at farmers’ markets, are sociable, have a house and pay their bills. Yet, at least once, maybe twice a month, they get totally wasted and the wife calls me and rambles on incoherently.
I suspect they get drunk even more frequently, but, thankfully, I don’t get a call every time they are on a binge.
I have been in terrible relationships in which I drank too much to numb myself. Thankfully, I have been out of such toxicity for years. But I’m having increasing difficulty dealing with these drunken phone calls.
I suspect I’m the only person my friend calls because she knows few others would understand her slurred babble. I’m weary from these calls. How do I deflect them?
— TIRED EAR IN ARIZONA
DEAR TIRED EAR: Put an end to those calls by being frank with your friend about the effect they have on you. Do this while she is sober.
Tell her you do not want her calling you after she has been drinking because her speech is so slurred that you can’t understand what she’s saying. Say if it happens again you will hang up the phone, and if it does, follow through. Let her calls go to voicemail.
If you would like to maintain any sort of relationship with this couple, see them socially only when they are (reasonably) sober.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.