Asking Eric: My boyfriend is volatile and secretive and still manages to be boring
Dear Eric: I’m 51 years old. I’ve been dating a man for 2½ years now.
After a year, he moved in to help with the mortgage. Most of the time he pays, but if he misses a month and I ask about it, he gets angry, which I find to be a very strange reaction.
If I ever get mad about something, he turns around and gets mad at me and often blames me.
Most of the time he works from home and is on many Zoom calls a day. He says the work is better than he could have imagined. But in this time, we have been on zero vacations together. When I ask him about taking a trip together, he always says I should go because he is too busy and to stop being antagonistic.
We have had dinner with mutual friends fewer than 10 times.
He seems to be a workaholic. He likes to watch movies with me and occasionally have dinner out together. I’m flattered he wants to spend time with me but sad we have no community together. I feel bored and uninspired.
He doesn’t share anything about his financial situation. He is very secretive. When his parents are in town, he has dinner with them at 5 p.m. six nights a week for a couple months. I find this excessive.
I don’t know if we should break up or stay together.
– Not Sure About Being Single Again
Dear Not Sure: Not to be too blunt, but I’m confused about what you’re getting out of this relationship.
Part of the reason for the move was financial, but he is inconsistent and angry about mortgage payments. He makes a lot of time for his parents and work, but no time to build a relationship with you.
There’s a difference between being a workaholic and being a person who isn’t prepared to be an equal partner in a relationship. It seems he’s the latter and if he isn’t interested in learning how to show up for you, you have to show up for yourself and show him the door.
You write that you’re flattered when he spends time with you. But spending time with you isn’t doing you a favor, it’s something that he should want to do and be proactive about. You deserve that.
Dear Eric: Over the last 30-some years, I have been very generous with a sibling who has never been in very good financial shape.
I have sensed a certain contempt from her and her family about my generosity. I get a thank-you or an acknowledgment maybe half the time.
She is very short-tempered and regularly needles me about things that happened 20 or 30 years ago, snarky comments about stupid little things I did that made her angry.
After many years of letting it go, I find myself very angry about her ungratefulness and her attitude toward me. I have always felt sorry for her and wanted to make her life better but maybe in doing so I’ve made her feel bad about herself.
We have not spoken in almost a year.
I realize the only thing I can control is my own behavior, so I have drastically cut back on the amount of money I give her.
But I hate feeling angry and resentful toward her, and I would love to be able to find a way to move forward and let go of all of this negative emotion. I don’t really even know if she is aware that I’m upset.
– Funding Family
Dear Family: Money talks, but it mumbles a lot, so we have to be especially clear in our communications around it. Cutting back on your generosity is fine, but it’s not going to get at the root issue and is likely to be misconstrued.
It will help a lot if you can both have a conversation that’s focused on the way you feel about each other and about your relationship. You need a place to work through your resentment and she likely does, too.
Before you reach out to her, think about what you actually want. It may be as simple as a thank-you. But I suspect it’s more complicated than that.
Is there a part of you that’s hurt by her response to you or her snarky comments? Is there frustration that the money you gave didn’t stop the hurt? Ask yourself what would make you feel valued in this relationship.
You write that she may not even know you’re upset; that’s painful to read because it suggests that she’s not extending you the same thought and care that you’re extending her.
Sort through your feelings and figure out what’s your responsibility to sort through solo and what you can bring to your conversation with her.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.