Struggling with relationships? You may be too materialistic

Digital technology and social media have revolutionised communication, making people more connected than ever. Yet many developed nations are struggling with loneliness and data has shown that while we have more ways to connect with others, the quantity and quality of our connections may be declining, especially among young people.

Research consistently finds that being materialistic — seeing money and possessions as paths to self-worth and happiness — negatively affects interpersonal relationships across cultures and genders. Young people seem particularly vulnerable to these effects.

Studies have shown that blindly chasing financial success and high-end brands impacts not only how we invest our money but also our time in developing and nurturing relationships. It makes sense, after all that if we spend our time browsing shopping sites and working long hours to buy stuff we don’t need, we will have less time to connect with others.

My recent research suggests that part of the decline in social connection could also be due to the unrealistic standards people might hold for partners, friends and family. Specifically, I found that exposure to money-focus and status-driven messages like those of luxury brands or high-end adverts heightens people’s expectations of others, particularly around ambition and physical attractiveness.

In my findings, these unrealistic expectations are consistently linked with relationship dissatisfaction and conflict. If people are drawn towards shiny luxury products, they tend to expect those close to them to be exceptional and perform above average, leading to tensions. This is because they focus on appearance and exclusivity, and apply this mindset to judge the worth of those around them.

Asking our partner to be more ambitious in order to earn more might distract them from their goals and aspirations and put pressure on them, making them feel unhappy or resentful.

Past research has shown money-focused people prioritise work over relationships because this gives them a tangible and quantifiable reward. And, working long hours is key a factor in interfering with family relationships.

Making negative comments about the physical appearance of a loved one (or even asking them to change it) can undermine their self-confidence and make them feel dissatisfied with their body.

Representations of wealth and lifestyles

Traditional and social media frequently contain materialistic messages. On top of that, films and TV shows often depict unrealistic standards of wealth and luxury lifestyles. It is not only the wealth of fictional characters that is far from the average, but in many cases they show a distorted reality. That is, the amount of money needed for maintaining the lifestyle of the characters does not correspond with what someone in their line of work would really earn.

The amount of credit card debt held by UK consumers has increased in the past decade, along with a rise in the popularity of “buy now, pay later” options. Perhaps this is in part because people feel pressured to chase the living standards of those they see on the screen or on social media.

There is a need for producers and marketers in the media to reflect on the values they promote and provide a more realistic view of an average person’s wealth. By promoting a broader representation of success and happiness — not just defined by wealth or appearance — the media can influence ideals on wealth and attractiveness.

And this in turn can help people to have more realistic ideals for themselves and others, which might help them in their relationships.

Happily though, my findings uncovered more than just the relationship effects of materialism. In conducting the research, I also found that while the core attributes people value in others — such as being supportive, trustworthy, honest or affectionate — were largely consistent with past research, new attributes emerged too, such as being self-aware and resilient.

This indicates that as mental health awareness grows, people seek partners who can speak about their mental health and overcome obstacles, perhaps by being more willing to ask for help or showing vulnerability.

In a culture that promotes consumerism and unrealistic living standards, purchasing habits shape more than just people’s bank accounts. When people prioritise external achievements and aesthetics over these core and enduring qualities like kindness they might lose a deeper relational connection.

So if you’re someone who has struggled with relationships, it might be worth examining your money-related values and how external influences such as media and advertising might shape the standards you set for yourself and the people closest to you.

Olaya Moldes Andrés has previously received funding from the BA/Leverhulme Small Research Grants and the Academy of Marketing.