10 reasons why you shouldn’t fountain hop

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Stanford University is known for its quirky traditions with complex origins: 

• Full Moon on the Quad, created in 1952 by a mono-infected werewolf and his “incredibly down bad roommate.” 
• Birthday Showers, started by administrative mandate resulting from the introduction of the CS major in 1965.
• Abbreviating everything, started by A.J. et al. in ‘92. 

Yet one tradition stands out from the rest: fountain hopping.

A perennial student favorite, fountain hopping was invented by an unnamed muscle head in 1975, when a group of girls walked by and he reportedly wanted an excuse to take his shirt off. Upon learning that these girls were ProFros (high schoolers), he suddenly needed to make up a reason for his public indecency. In the police report, this ephebophile called this innocent activity of stripping in a campus body of water “fountain hopping.” Hence, the term was born. 

The subsequent history of fountain hopping is as stupid as its origin. Next time you plan to risk getting giardia to prance around in these ornate, glorified bird fountains, it is best to keep the following in mind: 

1. Fountain-hopping changes the taste of the water.
   • Sadly, not all of us have Britas to filter out your unwashed feet. 
2. It’s bad for the fish.
   • As per the wishes of mega-donor John Arill-aqua, each fountain came with “at least three bass of each gender, with each fish weighing at least five pounds.“ Due to climate change and all the foot fungus, the fish are now smaller in size but more plentiful in number. 
3. It’s a pregnancy risk — especially for men.
   • Fish aren’t the only swimmers you need to worry about.
4. It stops people from using the bathroom.
   • Remember, campus tour groups don’t have ID access to buildings.
5. You look like you peed your pants when you get out of the water.
   • No one wants to look like a loser.
6. The sand gets everywhere.
   • Life’s already a beach. You don’t have to be one too. Plus, don’t you just hate when it gets stuck in your [REDACTED] until your infected [REDACTED] is gushing from your reddened [REDACTED]? 
7. You’re stripping in public. For free.
   • No one throws coins in the fountains anymore. Don’t you want to get paid for your goods and services? 
8. It’s 60% spit.
   • Don’t believe me? Take a sip.
9. You could run into pirates.
   • They’ll take your money and then call you “aWHORE matey.”
10. Messing with the “Claw” could awaken “The Crab”.
    • While harmless to people, peak fountain hopping season is also peak mating time for the three food groups: seagulls, sea turtles, and frosh. The Crab’s primal roar (sounding eerily similar to the dorm safety alarm) disrupts these unwashed species’ ability to find quiet moments together. 

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