TikTok’s viral ‘first love theory’ is why your boyfriend still scrolls his ex’s social media, relationship expert says
HAVE you spotted your partner lingering on their ex’s social media?
Women are apparently less likely than men to have the habit as they often process a breakup by venting to their mum or friends.
The First Love Theory has garnered over 98 million posts on TikTok with viral videos discussing the number of heterosexual men “hung up” on their first loves.
Shan Boodram, a sex and relationship expert with Bumble, told Bustle the exciting memory of a first kiss and saying “I love you” causes the feelings for a first love to linger.
The relationship often happens at a young and naive time when both people can focus on having fun together. They are carefree and don’t have stressful responsibilities such as paying bills.
It’s also easy not to be guarded because there’s no pain prior breakup experience.
What is the psychology behind the First Love Theory?
Relationship expert and founder of the dating app Wingman, Tina Wilson, said first loves can influence choosing future partners and expectations in new relationships.
“There is a lot of truth to the first love theory,” she told Fabulous.
“As our first romantic experiences, these moments, no matter how brief, can be highly impressionable on us and leave an everlasting impression.
“These never-felt-before emotions can leave us holding onto that feeling and using it as a benchmark that other relationships need to live up to, often subconsciously trying to find a version of that person in other daters or in new relationships.
“In early adult life, as we are still becoming the adults we will be for the rest of our lives, this can be self-destructive territory if you find yourself in this situation.
“Remember, whilst it is normal to have a small space in your heart for your ‘first love’ – after all, they made a huge impact on you – if those ‘ghosts’ from the past are still lingering and they are not just memories, but you are clinging to some form of hope or using them as a blueprint for your relationships now, this is holding you back.
“You are keeping yourself stuck in the past, which is not healthy if you want to progress with new relationships.”
Signs your partner is still yearning for their first love
Wilson said there are several signs that your partner may be still yearning for their first love.
These include refusing to get rid of keepsakes such as letters or gifts and dwelling on old memories.
“If you spot them looking back at old pictures on their phone or laptop, especially if you are sharing memories on their social media and the ex happens to pop up a lot in group photos, then they may be reminiscing and caught in the ‘first love theory’ trap,” she said.
“They may even continuously tell you stories of their first love then you know they haven’t moved on and maybe you should.
“Worse still, if you spot them commenting on their ex’s social media posts, yes, it could be innocent, but if these things are stacking up, this is clearly another clue they are hung up, and you can safely assume they are emotionally tied to the past.
“I would be wary if they keep in constant contact with mutual friends and happen to bump into each other from time to time.”
Wilson said it’s also a red flag if your partner shows commitment issues or avoids talking about a future together.
“They may be happy to some extent with you but subconsciously can’t think about the full future,” she said.
“They are caught up in a first love theory that either sees them wanting, deep down, to get back with their first love or that prevents them from fully opening up to a lasting relationship with anyone else because they are always looking for a version of them in another person.
“This is an unhealthy cycle and could indicate your relationship won’t last the test of time.”
Why you should never get back with an ex
…which might explain why so many of us end up going back to them. But I know from experience that you should never go back to an ex.”
Samantha Brick looks back on marrying her first boyfriend, several years after they broke up, and why it wasn’t a good idea.
“I met David* when we were just teenagers and we enjoyed a steamy on-off relationship until our early 20s, when our young love ran its course and we split — only to reconnect several years later in 2021 and then marry a year later.
Our marriage didn’t last.
The allure of an ex is so overwhelming. You forget what went wrong and focus on their good parts.
But unless you address those issues that caused you to split in the first place — then they will always be there and will break you up again.
And there is a part of all us women which remains in love with the first person we have ever told we loved (and meant it). Even more so when, like me, it is the first person I slept with.
But people rarely change and the problems that irked you the first time around never go away.”
Read Samantha’s article in full – here.
Wilson said it isn’t only your partner that’s a concern because you could find yourself daydreaming about what could’ve been with an ex.
Hoping to bump into them or asking mutual friends for updates could be considered “micro-cheating” and make it difficult to fully embrace a new relationship.
She recommends having a “relaxed and open” conversation to figure out if you’re both fully committed.
“Talking with friends about your worries can also help you get a fresh perspective and understand if you’re missing any red flags or seeing things clearly,” she said.
“We often think of our first love being something that happens when we are very young and uninfluenced by life and expectation and it’s just based on the heart.
“This is why it’s seen as a pure and genuine bond that can last a lifetime.”