The Golden Bachelorette Recap: The Gang Goes to Tahiti

It’s Fantasy Suites, which, for Joan’s purposes, translates to “Let’s Sit and Have Some Long Talks” Suites. And good for you, Joan! Out here knowing what you want. Naming something a Fantasy Suite is super embarrassing anyway. Just change this week to Private Chat Time. Reality-TV viewers love private chats they can’t know anything about.

This week, we finally leave the United States for Tahiti. Or, more accurately, the island Mooréa. I find myself encountering a series of moral quandaries regarding this destination due to colonization, cultural appropriation, and just a whole host of Not Great things that result in a middling reality show using your besieged culture to try to force emotions out of an older Frenchman. I have attempted to assuage my proxy guilt by reading multiple Wikipedia articles. Did you know Tahiti was annexed by France in 1880, and as part of French Polynesia, is still an overseas country of the French Republic? It feels weird in 2024! But then the U.S. illegally annexed Hawaii in 1898, so here we all are.

We don’t have to feel too weird about this location until the Pascal date, though, so let’s check in on how Joan is feeling! Joan is hopeful. She thinks she’s on her way to finding the right person, and she just wishes she had her friends and family there to lean on. That makes sense, Joan; I also think you should have them there. The producers won’t spring for family, but they’ll fly Nancy from The Golden Bachelor out to talk to Joan.

I don’t remember a lot about Nancy, but apparently she and Joan live near each other and are close now. Joan tells her that Guy is very handsome, Pascal is adventurous, and Chock makes her feel safe and like he’s too good to be true. This feels very slanted toward Chock in a way I don’t like. When Joan talks about her loneliness, Nancy says, “Lonely is not a place you stay; lonely is a place you walk through,” and while I tend to eye-roll at things like this, loneliness is possibly the worst feeling we as humans have to deal with, so I support this aphorism.

The first date is with Guy, and this is where we learn that Mooréa has a Sofitel. Good to know. Guy is the kind of person who says he feels “like a million bucks.” He’s falling in love with Joan and thinks she looks like fricking perfection. I personally don’t know what to do with Guy’s restraining order information other than to say that if my friend were dating someone whose ex got a restraining order against them, I would say, “Stop it! Stop seeing them right now!” But I don’t know Joan, so she and Guy go on what I believe is a catamaran because it has those two floaty things. I’m not a boat guy. They go snorkeling with stingrays and blacktip sharks. They have dinner at a teeny table, per Bachelor’s law. Joan tells him she is not going to do the physical part of Fantasy Suites because she doesn’t want to do that with three different people. Guy is very on board with this and supportive, and it makes me like him.

Chock gets the second date, and they get in an ATV. Joan says, being from Kansas, Chock has probably done this. For once, she’s right? She shouldn’t be! What about Kansas makes you think of ATVs, Joan? I just want to sit Joan down and have an in-depth conversation about what she associates with different midwestern states and why. Not in a judgy way; I just think it would be fascinating. Does she think everyone in Indiana cross-country skis? Probably!

Joan and Chock have a picnic in the dirt, a choice I do not understand. They talk about how great the other one is, and I don’t trust you, Chock. I have literally been saying this since the first episode, and the vibes are still off with him. When Joan tells him her preference for no physicality in the Fantasy Suite, he says he’s “perfectly okay with that,” which is what someone says when they are not. The next morning, a producer asks him what they did, and he says that’s between Joan and him, and if Joan wants to talk about it, she can. What the hell, Chock! You literally just have to say, “We had a wonderful time getting to know each other better.” Now you made it sound weird, and all, “A gentleman never tells,” which is always a gentleman telling! Between this inappropriate behavior and his possessiveness, he’s giving love-bombing and, therefore “keep away from that man” vibes. Does it still feel like she’s going to pick him? Yes! But maybe we’ll all be surprised.

The real drama, of course, comes during the Pascal date, and by drama, I mean the part that’s a huge bummer. Pascal is all set for a nice, chill day, which starts with what is labeled “La Ora Na” and glossed by the show as a Tahitian welcoming ceremony. In Tahitian, “la ora na” means “hello,” so okay, I’ll buy that. This is mainly music, dancing (apparently called “Ori Tahiti”), and food. The food looks extremely good! Joan calls the breadfruit “odd.” Maybe you’re odd, Joan!!

Where were we? Yes. Breadfruit. Pascal is so psyched that everyone speaks French. I can’t handle any of these comments. They speak French because of colonialism, Pascal! Then they go to what Joan calls a “traditional Tahitian bonding ceremony,” which is not what Pascal expected. They pour ocean water into each other’s hands and say vulnerable things. Based on what I read on many white people’s Tahitian wedding ceremony travel pages, these things seem to be elements of Tahitian weddings, so that seems straightforwardly appropriative on the part of the show. I mean, they made up the “being vulnerable” part for the show; the water is supposed to cleanse you and give you a fresh start (according to another white person’s page). Pascal is super confused, as are we all.

That night, Joan asks him what he thought about today, and Pascal basically says, I am not into this; I’m freaked out, and I am done. But in a nice way. He doesn’t think he can get to the place where she wants him to be. Pascal says he cares about her as a friend, but he’s not in love. Pascal has really surprised me over this season. He went from the French man who couldn’t do his laundry to one of the most emotionally vulnerable ones. He tells the camera that Joan is saying she is okay, which is what you say when you’re hurt, and when the producer asks him if he’s okay, he says, “No!” He feels so genuine with his emotions, which really highlights how fake Chock seems. And then Guy is over there doing his thing.

Pascal leaves, Joan is no longer hopeful and is afraid she’ll leave with no one. I guess we’ll have to wait two weeks to find out because next week is “The Men Tell All.” The only reasons I’m looking forward to that are Charles and Jack. Remember Jack? What a guy.