The 9 steps to build your resilience and survive life’s curveballs – from relaxing your shoulders to keeping a journal

WITH Halloween only a few days away, all those ghosts, ghouls and skeletons might not be the only things freaking you out.

Along with the kids’ costumes to sort and pumpkins to carve, you’re stressed at work, the house is a mess and now, the washing machine has packed up.

Do you take a few deep breaths to calm down, or do you go into full meltdown mode?

While none of us are immune to stress, we all have different ways of coping, and these are largely down to how resilient you are.

A new study has found that emotional resilience could halve your risk of an early death.

Scientists at Sun Yat-sen University in China analysed 10,000 over-50s in the US, and those who scored highest on resilience were 53% less likely to die within 10 years, compared to those who scored lowest.

But what is resilience, exactly?

“It is the ability to bounce back from challenges,” says Dr Elena Touroni, consultant psychologist and co-founder of The Chelsea Psychology Clinic.

“It’s about trying to stay strong and being adaptable when life throws curveballs.

“Rather than avoiding challenges or collapsing under pressure, resilient people face adversity head-on and come out stronger, having learned from the experience.”

What Doesn’t Kill You. . .

Resilience has been linked with better health in numerous studies.

Research looking at more than 3,500 over-65s in the US found that those with higher resilience had lower levels of stress and depression, were more physically active, managed pain better, used healthcare services less and had a significantly better quality of life.*

Resilience supports physical health by reducing the harmful effects of chronic stress,” says Dr Touroni.

These include high blood pressure, heart disease and lower immunity.

A relationship between mental health and resilience also exists.

“Certain mental health conditions, such as depression and anxiety, can lower resilience,” says Dr Touroni.

“But resilience helps us to cope with stress more effectively and experience feelings of optimism and empowerment, which promote better mental health.”

Nature Or Nurture?

Resilience comes naturally to some people more than others.

“Personality traits, genetics and early life experiences all play a part,” says Dr Touroni.

“If you had a secure and supportive upbringing, where you felt safe and valued, this will have helped you to develop a strong sense of self-worth and good coping mechanisms, both of which lead to greater resilience.

“Those who grow up without stable or caring relationships, or who have experienced childhood trauma and neglect, may struggle.”

However, these experiences can have the opposite effect, too, making a person more capable of facing hardship.

“With time and effort, anyone can build better coping strategies and develop greater resilience,” says Dr Touroni.

Here’s how to deal with the big things in life and avoid sweating the small stuff.

Small Hurdles

A computer glitch or a split bin bag?

“Frustrations like these are temporary and manageable,” says Dr Touroni.

“It can be helpful to take a step back, reassess the situation and look at it as an opportunity to practise patience and problem-solving.”

Try these tips to build up your resilience. . .

Breathe away tension Breathing slowly and deeply will help lower your heart rate and blood pressure, and clear your mind so you feel calmer.

Breathe in for a count of five seconds, hold for five, breathe out for five, and pause for five.

Repeat three times.

Relax your shoulders Lift both shoulders up to your ears, tense them, then relax and bring them back down.

Repeat, until you can feel yourself loosening up.

Releasing tension in the shoulders helps to relax the rest of the body.

Switch your thinking “It’s not the stress, it’s your reaction to it,” says psychologist Dr Jessica Valentine.

If you’re anxious about an upcoming work meeting, thinking: “I can’t mess it up!” will make you feel more stressed.

Instead, think: “This is an important meeting.

“I would like to do well, but it’s not the end of the world if it doesn’t go to plan.”

This keeps things in perspective.

Medium Hurdles

When the bigger inconveniences occur – pranging your car, for example – Dr Touroni says: “It’s important to acknowledge your feelings of frustration or sadness, but not to dwell on them.

“Taking time for self-care and talking to someone you trust can help you process your emotions and regain perspective.”

Try the Havening Technique This is about focusing on touch – stroke the sides of your arms and your face, or rub the palms of your hands together for up to 10 minutes.

This automatically sends messages to your brain to produce calming brain waves and can reduce your stress and anxiety in minutes.

Reframe your thinking Challenge your normal patterns of thought.

“With practice, you can shift from a negative mindset to one that’s more solution-focused and optimistic,” says Dr Touroni.

“For example, if you go for a promotion at work and don’t get it, you might think: ‘I’m a failure, I’m not good enough.’

“Instead, consider whether there are further skills you need to develop.”

Use distraction “Even at your lowest, try to look for moments of positive experience,” says Linda Graham, psychotherapist and author of Resilience: Powerful Practices For Bouncing Back From Disappointment, Difficulty And Even Disaster.

“This might be feeling the warmth of the sun on your skin, walking in nature or playing with a pet.

“This gives you temporary respite, so you feel recharged and better able to cope.”

Major Hurdles

No one’s expecting you to just chill out when something really big and potentially life-changing happens, for example, a divorce, bereavement, health scare or losing your job.

“Life-altering events require a more gradual and compassionate approach,” says Dr Touroni.

“Allow yourself to grieve and process the loss without rushing to ‘get over it’.

“Remind yourself that healing takes time.”

Practise self-compassion “To show yourself compassion, you first need to recognise that you are suffering,” says Kristin Neff, psychologist and author of Self Compassion: The Proven Power Of Being Kind To Yourself.

“You can’t heal what you can’t feel.”

When you are particularly overwhelmed, however, you can practise methods you have learned from small hurdles, including breathing techniques and acknowledging how you feel in the moment.

For example: “I’m feeling anxious, but this will pass.”

Keep a journal “Journalling can be a therapeutic way to express emotions and begin to make sense of a situation,” says Dr Touroni.

“Writing down your thoughts releases tension and can help you to process your feelings.”

Seek support Lean on friends and family you trust, who can offer different perspectives.

“Or find a support group in your area,” says Linda.

“When people have gone through similar experiences, you gain encouragement and support, without having to say, explain or justify anything.”

Also, consider therapy to get you through difficult periods – for a list of accredited professionals visit Babcp.com.