Harriette Cole: Is it shallow to want my boyfriend to pay for our dates?
DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend is incredibly stingy. We get along well in many ways, but when it comes to money, he’s not what I expected.
He never offers to pay for our dates. It’s not that I would mind splitting the bill sometimes, but I’ve noticed that he never makes any effort to treat me, even on special occasions. He’s also extremely reluctant to share anything. If we’re out to eat, he won’t offer me a bite of his meal, which feels selfish.
I’m not the type to demand material things, but I do expect a certain level of generosity and a willingness to share in a relationship.
Growing up, I saw my parents model a different type of relationship: My dad was always a gentleman, taking care of my mom and showing his affection through little acts of giving, whether it was paying for dinner or simply being thoughtful.
Seeing my boyfriend behave so differently from what I’m used to has made me question whether he truly cares about me.
I know that people show love in different ways, but it’s hard not to feel like his stinginess is a reflection of his feelings for me. I fear this might be a shallow concern because it revolves around money.
Am I overreacting, or is this something I should be more concerned about?
— Stingy Boyfriend
DEAR STINGY BOYFRIEND: Your boyfriend clearly grew up with different ideas about how to behave in a relationship.
Tell him a story about your father and how he treated your mother. Describe what thoughtfulness looked like to you. Ask him why he never treats you to meals or contributes financially.
Listen to learn his thinking, and ask him if he would consider being more generous.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend, “Clark,” and I have been living together for two years now, and while I love him, I’m starting to feel overwhelmed by the household chores.
I’m 26 and work full time at a coffee shop, while Clark works in IT. Despite our busy schedules, I often find myself doing most of the tasks because he tends to say “later” when I ask for help.
It feels like he doesn’t hear my cries for help anymore, and I can’t rest my mind until everything is done.
This has led to multiple fights, and it’s becoming increasingly frustrating for me.
I would appreciate small gestures, like flowers or little surprises, to show he cares. I want to find a way to share the responsibilities more fairly and reconnect with him.
— Overwhelmed at Home
DEAR OVERWHELMED AT HOME: Call a family meeting — something I recommend that you institute once a week so that you have a consistent time to talk about any family business, good and bad.
Tell him you want to talk about how it’s going since you have been living together. Point out a few great aspects of the dynamic. Then turn to the challenges.
Explain that you believe he expects you to do all things home-related, and you are unwilling to do that. You believe division of duties should be practical and helpful.
If he remains unwilling to help, tell him that he will need to contribute to the cost of a housekeeper, because you did not sign up to be his maid. Make a budget for that, and hire someone.
On a different occasion, tell him you are missing the romance in your relationship. Encourage him to do some spontaneous small gestures like bringing you flowers, inviting you for a walk or buying you a small gift. Figure out what makes him happy, and be ready to do that.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.