If Horror Movies Reflected Your Actual Fears
Halloween
Michael Myers breaks through your front door. He informs you that your son volunteered you to bring a “homemade sweet treat” to the kindergarten holiday parade, which is in two hours.
Psycho
You hit it off with a cute guy and agree to move in with him. He neglects to tell you he lives with his Mother.
Rosemary’s Baby
You’re pregnant with the devil’s baby. Your husband won’t stop saying, “We’re pregnant with the devil’s baby.”
Us
You meet your exact double—almost. She’s slightly taller and prettier than you. She just got engaged to a more handsome version of your boyfriend. The rock on her finger is enormous.
The Texas Chain Saw Massacre
Leatherface careens toward you with his rusty chainsaw. He gives you lopsided microbangs.
A Nightmare on Elm Street
Against your will, you fall asleep. Freddy Krueger makes you dream about the time you dinged the car mirror and your dad yelled at you.
Poltergeist
Your home is haunted by restless spirits. They flick lights on and off, running up the electric bill. Your dad yells at you.
The Creature from the Black Lagoon
The Gill-man chooses you as his bride. He says you have to wear a bathing suit every single day. Your toes prune with terror.
The Shining
You’re working on a manuscript in a haunted resort. Every fifteen minutes, a ghost shows up and reads over your shoulder. “Wow,” they smirk, “You almost finished a paragraph today.”
Scream
Your landline rings. A robotic voice asks if you’re willing to take a brief survey about your insurance coverage. You say it’s not a good time. They promise to call back.
The Amityville Horror
The walls are bleeding. Again. You get out the “Gray Mist” gloss paint and the roller. Again. You’ll never finish this remodel.
The Invisible Man
You’re on Tinder. A guy without a profile pic keeps DM-ing you. You switch to Hinge. He’s there too.
The Wolfman
You’ve spent hundreds of dollars on electrolysis. It keeps growing back.
The Wicker Man
You’re staying in an isolated village. Its only pub is hosting a karaoke night.
The Omen
Your son is… special. He’s three years old. Last year, he was three years old. Next year, he’ll turn three years old.
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
You drink an entire pitcher of margaritas at the office happy hour and black out. You become someone else. The next day, your coworkers inform you of your heinous deeds (making out with Stu from accounting).
Hellraiser
Pinhead arrives at your housewarming party. He’s holding a mysterious box in his hands. “Let’s play,” he intones. It’s Catan.
Saw
Jigsaw chains you by your ankle in a filthy bathroom. His puppet-minion rides in with a high school algebra workbook. “You have three hours,” says a sinister voice.
The Substance
You get an expensive injection to look younger. Nothing happens. You continue getting injections every three months. “Huh,” says your doctor. “I guess your skin is just like that.”
Friday the 13th: Part II
You’re having sex with your high school girlfriend. A machete chops through the door. Oh no—it’s Jason! He stops, looks at you, and shakes his head. “You seem really bad at this,” he rasps.
Night of the Living Dead
Slavering, brainless hordes shamble through the street intent on destroying your way of life. They’re all going to the polls.
Hostel III
You’re having a lovely European vacation. Someone presses a chloroform rag over your nose, and you awake tied to a chair. A man emerges from the shadows. It’s Eli Roth. “Prepare to suffer,” he chortles. He makes you watch Hostel I and II.