I’m a narcissistic sociopath & things I do disgust people – I look for fights & love being filled with rage
A WOMAN diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder has opened up about her daily experiences living with the condition.
Delta never considered her personality to be different from others until she was 26 years old, when she realised that most people do not “enjoy feelings of hate and rage.”
She often shares videos about her struggles with her condition on TikTok and has gained over 163,000 followers.
In one particular video Delta, who is known as @dammitdelta, claimed to have been professionally diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
Both disorders can significantly impact relationships and functioning, but they manifest in different ways and are motivated by different underlying psychological needs.
According to Psychology Today, individuals with ASPD generally are more likely to be impulsive and aggressive, and those with NPD are more likely to be more sensitive to criticism.
Similar traits that both NPD and ASPD include are lacking empathy, charming and charismatic, difficulty with self-awareness and mood disorders.
And although Delta said she is a narcissistic sociopath, in the UK patients will be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder as the terms “psychopathy” and “sociopathy” are no longer used in the Mental Health Act.
Speaking to camera on a video shared on her TikTok account, Delta explained exactly how she feels.
She says: “I was the ripe age of 26 when I realised that most people don’t actually enjoy feeling emotions like hate and rage.
“I knew some people didn’t like those emotions, but I genuinely did not know that most people don’t enjoy feeling those things. I do.
“Upon realising that this wasn’t normal, I decided to introspect and explore why I enjoy emotions like hate and rage.
“For me, my ASPD blocks out and blunts a lot of my emotions. I lack specific emotions like empathy and remorse, and many of my other emotions are quite dulled.
“That being said, I think I enjoy emotions like being full of hate and being full of rage because they’re intense. They feel real.
“A lot of my other emotions are very fleeting or very dulled and don’t necessarily feel real.
I seek out fights with other people, and why I engage in risky behaviour
Delta
“They’re more superficial. It’s stimulating and it brings me a sense of enjoyment, whereas typically I just feel like an empty void.”
Delta never realised before how much “the blunting” of her emotions lead to her engaging in “reckless behaviour or seeking out emotions like hatred and anger.”
She continues to say: “Out of all the emotions that I do feel, anger is the one I experience most intensely.
“I don’t have any issues with feeling anger, and so I think I like that because it brings me a sense of stimulation. It helps my boredom and it allows me to feel real and human.
Confrontational
“This is why I like confrontation, why I seek out fights with other people, and why I engage in risky behaviour.
“All of these things are an attempt to seek stimulation and to feel something, to feel real and alive in a world where I typically don’t feel much of anything.
“I’m absolutely 100% not devoid of emotion. I struggle with emotional regulation.
“It’s just that my emotional range is very limited and emotions outside of my usual feelings are quite blunted.
Those emotions make me feel like I’m dying
TikTok comment
“And so I think that void, that absence, makes me want to seek out adrenaline and stimulation.
“For me, it largely translates into wanting to make people angry, to feel rage, to hate people, to commit crimes, things like that.
“Anything that brings me a sense of adrenaline in any way is something that I seek and go after.
“I like the power behind emotions like hate.
What is Antiscoial Personality Disorder (ASPD)
According to the NHS website, ASPD is a mental health disorder that affects how someone thinks, perceives, feels or relates to others.
Their website reads: “Antisocial personality disorder is a particularly challenging type of personality disorder characterised by impulsive, irresponsible and often criminal behaviour.
“Someone with antisocial personality disorder will typically be manipulative, deceitful and reckless, and will not care for other people’s feelings.”
Signs to look out for:
- exploit, manipulate or violate the rights of others
- lack concern, regret or remorse about other people’s distress
- behave irresponsibly and show disregard for normal social behaviour
- have difficulty sustaining long-term relationships
- be unable to control their anger
- lack guilt, or not learn from their mistakes
- blame others for problems in their lives
- repeatedly break the law
“So whereas for most people, hate and anger seem to be something that causes them distress and doesn’t feel good, those emotions feel good to me. I like feeling them and I seek them.”
Her video gained a lot of attention with many people rushing to the comments section to share their thoughts with her.
One person wrote: “That’s so interesting. Those emotions make me feel like I’m dying. like there’s a tornado inside me that I can’t control.
“It may interest you to know that for a lot of us, or at least me, feeling rage or hate is followed by intense shame and guilt.
“We’re taught that hatred and being mean is morally wrong.”
Another added: “That sounds so difficult to deal with. Do you feel a certain way because of your diagnosis/ symptoms?
“Do you know what you could do that’s a healthy outlet? Are you working with a therapist?”
What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
According to the Mayo Clinic website, NPD is a mental health condition that involves a pattern of excessive need for admiration, grandiosity, and a lack of empathy.
People with NPD may have an inflated sense of self-importance and may act selfishly to gain success.
They may also have difficulty understanding or caring about the feelings of others.
According to the CPD Online College, the signs to look out for are:
- Having a sense of entitlement
- Manipulative and/or controlling behaviour.
- An exaggerated sense of self-importance.
- An expectation to be treated as superior to others, that they should receive special treatment above others and have the best of everything.