So, You’re Addicted to Reading the Polls

You left your most recent dinner party to read the latest Muhlenberg Poll of the PA 7th Congressional. You’ve developed an involuntary facial tic triggered by the word “toss-up.” You had one of those special dreams again with Steve Kornacki, where you were the map. Does this sound familiar?

You’re addicted to the polls. It’s perfectly understandable. It’s a tense election, and everyone is really worried. Worried about you, that is. You’re nuts about these polls, and it’s starting to freak us out.

You’re not just “riding the pollercoaster.” It’s like you have an all-weekend pass to YouGov Gardens, and you just threw up off the side of the tilt-a-whirl.

But it’s not too late to get support. Here are some tips that might keep you from coming unskewed between now and Election Day:

• Every new poll should completely change your mood. Some people will tell you to interpret the polls as data points in a range of distributions and to focus more on the average than individual results. But real poll-people like you know that’s just not true. Make sure you view every new poll as an opportunity to send you into a tailspin. Don’t forget to celebrate a bit when the polls show your candidate is up—that just makes the next panic-inducing survey even more terrifying. After all, if you don’t open your heart to the sweet thrill of a knife’s-edge race in Georgia, are you really, truly alive?
• The polls might be wrong. It’s not an exact science; there’s polling error in every election, it runs in both directions, and it’s famously hard to predict. Doesn’t it make you feel better that your mental running tally of NYT/Siena swing states could end up being off by five points, rendering the past eleven weeks of your life completely worthless?
• Except they also might be right. Oh dear. Which is worse? There’s usually one pollster who pretty much nails the race… who will it be? Keep refreshing—certainly, you’ll be the first to figure it out.
• Your anxiety may feel pointless, but it’s actually helping. By constantly fretting over 49-48 in Michigan, you’re showing people around you what happens when you don’t have constructive hobbies or strong social ties. Your suffering is another person’s cautionary tale. In a way, you’re an inspiration.
• The answers are in the crosstabs. These breakdowns of responses across every demographic imaginable are a marvelous way to go down a rabbit hole from which no man shall return sane. We heard there’s an encrypted prophecy contained within the crosstabs that tells the exact date and time when Our Lady of Infallible Accuracy, Ann Selzer, will descend to redeem our souls. All shall be purified in the light of truth. Long Live the Anointed One!
• Need a distraction? Check out vote-by-mail stats. Obsessing over return rates among independents in Washoe County, Nevada, or calculating how many days it will take to build a firewall in Pennsylvania is a poll smoker’s nicotine patch. Who cares if research shows it’s not at all predictive? Make sure to draw as many wild, unfounded conclusions as you can. Early voting’s even more fun—the scanter your data is, the better.
• The best cure for looking at polls is looking at more polls. You’re not empty inside from looking at too many numbers. You just haven’t looked at enough numbers yet. The more numbers you have, the safer you’ll be. Even if the nation collapses around us, and the very concept of truth has become a distant memory, you’ll always have your numbers. Your numbers will protect you.

Remember, it’ll all be over on Election Day. No more polls after November 5. That sweet relief is just around the corner. Who wouldn’t be looking forward to that?