The Thing That’s Missing From Our Conversations About Kids and Phones

We’ve all seen the data around phones, social media, and the youth mental health crisis and we know: this generation of children has staggering rates of anxiety and depression. I’m as concerned as anyone, and yet, I’ve been shocked that one key word—really, a key foundational principle in life— has been left out of the conversation: boundaries.

As a clinical psychologist specializing in parenting and family relationships, I have noticed a trend of swapping out important boundaries with keeping kids happy. Here’s the thing: kids have always pushed limits and asked for things that aren’t good for them; in fact, this is part of a kid doing their job, as they’re meant to explore the world and figure out the “edges” or limits. And while kids continue to do their job, parents are really struggling to do theirs—and as a result, the family system is off-balance and mental health is suffering.

The cost of not being able to set boundaries with kids has never been higher. Decades ago, if parents struggled to hold boundaries and tolerate pushback, a child may have had an extra cupcake or stayed out too late. Today the cost of not being able to set boundaries looks more like freely scrolling TikTok at age 8 or playing endless hours of video games at the expense of participating in the real world. I agree that we are facing a crisis—but I don’t see only a crisis of phones and social media. I also see a crisis of what I call “Sturdy Leadership” at a time when our kids need it more than ever.

What do I mean by Sturdy Leadership? Sturdy Leadership is a model of parental authority where parents both hold boundaries and stay connected to a child or, actually, improve connection through these moments. They do this by validating their child’s feelings while holding firm on what is best for everyone. This is the same model that’s effective in the workplace or on a sports team—a leader who can stay true to their principles and who cares about other people’s feelings without being taken over by them.

So what does this look like in practice? Imagine your 5 year old wants you to buy a toy at a toy store—even though you explicitly said you were only going in to buy a birthday present for a cousin. Your 5 year old starts begging for a toy and you feel a tantrum coming on. Sturdy Leadership, in response, would look like: “I get it. It’s hard to see so many fun toys and not get something. Today I’m only buying a toy for your cousin. I can take a picture of what you want so we can remember it later. I love you, we’ll get through this.”

You can think of it like a math equation: Validation of feelings + holding boundaries = Sturdy Leadership.

What about an example with an older child? Imagine you just told your 12-year-old daughter “no” when she asked to have a sleepover, and she is—understandably—annoyed with you about not getting what she wants. In this moment, Sturdy Leadership could look something like this: “One of my main jobs is to make decisions that I think are good for you, even when you’re upset with me. This is one of those times. I get that you’re upset, I really do.” In this example the parent validated their child’s feelings while holding firm on their decision to do what they believe is best.

Here’s why boundary setting—early and often—is so important: When the day comes that our kids ask for a phone or for Instagram, our approach will not be isolated to some universally recognized “media policy” we have as parents; our approach will simply be an extension of the way we’ve always interacted with our kids around their wants and requests.

Read More: How Dr. Becky Became the Millennial Parenting Whisperer

As much as I’m a fan of boundaries, I’m an even bigger fan of this idea: It’s never too late, the right time to change is always right now. So if you’re a parent who already gave your kids a phone or access to social media and you wish you had held back, all is not lost. Think about yourself like a pilot who always has the right to return to base should the skies be more turbulent than expected—in fact, this is something passengers would want a pilot to do, even if they seem annoyed in the moment. You are the pilot of your family plane—and while your kid will never thank you outright for changing your rules, they will, years later, very much benefit from your sturdiness and acts of protection.

The key is to start with small steps. For example, this could be a conversation with your kid that looks something like this: “I’ve been doing a lot of reading on phones, social media and your health. I am responsible for your well-being and safety. I know it will not be easy, but beginning tonight, we’re all going to keep our phones outside our bedrooms when we turn in for the night.” In this example, the parent is embodying their authority with boundaries and warmth, and this new rule is from a place of protection, not punishment.

My life’s work has been to help parents become confident, Sturdy Leaders so they can raise confident, sturdy kids. We know that phones and social media are impeding our kids’ ability to flourish, but parents need more support. We need to expand the conversation so that rather than feeling locked in fear, parents know the practical skills they can build to bring change and support their kids.