We Didn’t Vote for Kamala Harris Back in 2024, and Now We’re Stuck in This MAGA Work Camp on Mount Rushmore

Sometime in the future, three prisoners from the Keystone MAGA Work Camp carve President Trump’s likeness into Mount Rushmore.

PROTEST VOTER: You know what I thought when I woke up this morning, facing yet another day of carving President Trump’s head into Mount Rushmore? I regret not voting for Harris in 2024.

CONSPIRACY BELIEVER: Yeah, I kind of do too. But Jill Stein just made a lot of sense to me. How were we supposed to know we’d be sent to this work camp for not supporting Trump? There was nothing about it on Reddit.

THE NON-VOTER: Well, Trump did tell us he’d punish everyone who didn’t vote for him—many times. At least, I think that’s what he slurred right before he started dancing to “November Rain” at one of his town halls. Hey, could you pass the chisel? I’m on toupee duty today.

PROTEST VOTER: I lived in California before I was banished to the Black Hills to live on this cliff ledge, so I didn’t think my vote even mattered. Imagine my surprise when the MAGA Militia knocked on my door and threw me into a Cybertruck. General Scott Baio has a real mean streak.

CONSPIRACY BELIEVER (whispers): Is it just me, or does George Washington keep looking at us like we’re the assholes? No surprise, really, since the Illuminati and the Knights Templar designed the dollar bill and—

THE NON-VOTER: I’m the type of person who needs to fall in love with a candidate to vote for them, you know? I blamed Kamala for the price of bread, even though I now know that’s the fault of greedy corporations. Plus, I felt like she was too centrist to make a difference. Too eager to build bipartisan coalitions to get things done on immigration, foreign policy, and health care.

CONSPIRACY BELIEVER: Speaking of health care, I know I fall for anything I read online, but I’m not too happy that our medical care on this rock ledge is just bleach, ivermectin, and swallowing pebbles.

PROTEST VOTER: Those vultures circling overhead aren’t a great sign either.

THE NON-VOTER: What could I have done differently, though? I mean, besides voting. Now abortion is banned in all fifty states, Dennis Prager is running our schools, Jesse Watters is the new host of 60 Minutes, and Justice Kid Rock will soon be sworn into the Supreme Court.

PROTEST VOTER: Yeah, I mean, back in ’24, I was just a well-off virtue-signalling white guy, and none of those issues were really on my radar. I guess they still aren’t now, given I’m stuck in this work camp. Oh, the irony.

CONSPIRACY BELIEVER: Talk about irony; I used to believe members of the Deep State were eating children in pizza parlors. Now, here I am, required to donate pints of my blood every week for Don Jr.’s and Kimberly Guilfoyle’s transfusions.

PROTEST VOTER: Let’s look on the bright side: At least we’re the only place in America that has gun control. Even if it’s just because too much gunfire causes rockslides.

THE NON-VOTER: True. And since that was our last election ever, we won’t be faced with making a smart decision that benefits others in the ballot box again. Thank goodness for that. It’s so hard to think of people besides ourselves.

PROTEST VOTER: Oh cool—looks like they’re almost done down there carving President Trump’s hundred-foot-long tie. Kind of weird since none of the other presidents here have ties, but I guess that’s what you get when the MyPillow Guy becomes secretary of the interior.

CONSPIRACY BELIEVER: Hey, do you think we’ll have to carve JD Vance into this mountain next?

THE NON-VOTER: Ugh. That beard and eyeliner will be a bear to chisel.

PROTEST VOTER: It could be worse. We could have been sent south to work on the border wall.

THE NON-VOTER: Yeah, despite Trump getting rid of the House and Senate, he’s still never going to get that thing built.

PROTEST VOTER: Well, something to think about when we curl up inside Trump’s nostril and go to sleep tonight. Anyway, we might as well keep chipping away at Trump’s face, just like us not voting for Harris chipped away our democra—GO AWAY, VULTURES!