Harriette Cole: She lies constantly, and we don’t know what to do about it
DEAR HARRIETTE: I moved to Austin, Texas, for work three years ago, and since then, I’ve been fortunate enough to build a great group of friends. However, there’s one person in our group, let’s call her “Lily,” who’s been causing some tension.
The issue is that she’s a pathological liar.
She lies about almost everything, both big and small. For instance, she’ll claim she had a different meal than what she actually ate, exaggerate stories about her job and even change basic facts about where she’s from.
Sometimes she’ll share vivid details about a particular experience or place, only to tell a completely different version of the same story a few days later.
What’s troubling is that these aren’t just small white lies; she fabricates entire parts of her life.
It’s gotten to the point where we never know what’s true when it comes to Lily’s stories.
Our friend group all cares about Lily, but the endless lies are starting to chip away at our trust in her. We don’t know whether to confront her or just let it be, but it’s becoming harder and harder to ignore.
What’s the best way to handle this situation?
— Lying Friend
DEAR LYING FRIEND: Why do you feel you need to remain friends with Lily? If you cannot take her seriously because she constantly lies, how can you build a meaningful relationship with her?
Perhaps you can ask her those questions. Put it to her that if she is unwilling or unable to be honest with you, you have to limit your interaction with her.
If she is part of a group, you may still see her, but keep your distance. Do your best not to get caught up in her drama.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I have been arguing a lot all year long, if I am honest.
We have had a few screaming matches recently that ended up with me saying it was over unless we could get along better.
Miraculously, my husband has been acting nicer — nothing earth-shattering, but there have been fewer arguments and more pleasantness.
Should I consider this to be enough to stay? Or at least to try to see if we can mend things?
I am so tired of fighting and somewhat afraid to try again for fear of getting my feelings hurt for the thousandth time. He won’t go to therapy.
— Is It Enough?
DEAR IS IT ENOUGH?: Why don’t you pay attention to your interaction for the next few weeks?
Choose to interact with him pleasantly, and encourage the behavior you want from him. Make the effort to meet him halfway. Suggest things to do that make you happy as well as activities he prefers. See what happens if you genuinely work to make things better.
Assess the situation with him after a few weeks or months have passed. If you find yourselves falling into old negative patterns, stop and say something. Rather than retreating to separate corners, speak up and point out what has happened, and suggest that you both stop and regroup.
Agree to work together on your relationship. If you can do that, you may be able to revive your joy.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.