My partner is monogamous, but I'm not. Here's how we make our relationship work.
Marjan Riazi
- Fernanda Fabian, 30, is non-monogamous and her partner of six years is monogamous.
- They've figured out how to make their relationship work.
- Fabian is open to closing their relationship for some time if they both feel it's needed.
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Fernanda Fabian, the host of Polycurious podcast. It has been edited for length and clarity.
My partner of six years is monogamous, while I'm non-monogamous. I've learned that both people don't have to be monogamous or non-monogamous to make a relationship work.
I met my partner Seth at Burning Man in 2018. We were in the same camp of about 120 people. One night, we were at our campground after dinner. There was music playing, and we both found ourselves walking to the middle of the dance floor to introduce ourselves. We talked for 15 minutes and then decided to hang out that night. We had a very instant connection. I remember after we hung out, his friend asked him, "Why didn't you tell me about your girlfriend?" He said, "Oh, because I just met her 15 minutes ago." As cliché as it sounds, it felt like we'd known each other for a long time.
I brought up non-monogamy early on
The second night after we met at Burning Man, I told Seth I was non-monogamous. I told him that I had friends who were non-monogamous and that I was curious about having an open relationship. He said that he could be open to an open relationship. When he said that, I thought he was saying he would also be open on his side, but he meant that he was open to figuring out how he could support me in doing what I want, even if it's not his thing.
After Burning Man, he headed home to San Francisco while I headed home to New York, but we stayed in touch. Two weeks later, he came to visit me in New York, and then two weeks after that, I went to visit him in San Francisco. We did long-distance for nine months, before Seth moved to New York in 2019.
About a month into our long-distance relationship, he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend. I thought it was cute that he asked and said, "Yes." I realized that for him, being his girlfriend meant being exclusive. So I asked him, "Does this mean I can't have sex with other people?" He said, "Yep, that's what it means." We discussed it further, and he said that he was not ready for me to date other people yet.
Around six months into the relationship, he said it was OK for me to have sex with other people, but only with people I'd already had sex with before I met him, only with people that had a partner, and only when he was away since we were long distance. A little over a year into the relationship, we got to my ideal stage of me being able to date whomever I wanted more regularly. For my dates, we started off with once a month, then once every couple of weeks. Now I have freedom, but we'll still have a conversation if needed.
The first time I went on a date with someone else, I could tell Seth was jealous and having a hard time. I would come home wanting to connect with him either because being with someone else served as a reminder of how great Seth is, or I would have a very fun experience, sexually or otherwise, with my date and want to replicate that experience with him. But Seth found it strange that I'd want to connect with him after a date and would act a little distant at first. When we talked about it, he shared that it took him more time to shake off the feeling that I had just come back from a date with someone else.
We have a partial "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" system when it comes to my dates. While he knows I went on a date, I don't share details about the date and occasionally, I'll pretend like it didn't happen. However, if he knows the person I'm dating, he's always been open to allowing them over for an event or even attending an event where he knows they'll be there. I may not share much about my dates, but it's nice that he's open to meeting the people I date.
My partner has the option to be non monogamous if he wants
Seth isn't interested in a romantic or sexual connection with anyone else and hasn't been for the past six years of our relationship, but he has the option to do so if he ever wants to. While I feel recharged by being with other people, Seth is an introvert who feels recharged by being on his own. I think his introversion is why he's OK with our dynamic. When I come back from spending time with others, we both feel recharged and ready to reconnect.
I decided to share our dynamic with my mom's side of the family. I'll tell my mom about a date I went on, and she'll say, "Don't let Seth hear you." I just tell her, "Mom, it's OK; Seth knows." My mom really likes Seth and doesn't want me to harm our relationship by seeing other people. I didn't tell my dad about the details of our connection until more recently, not out of fear or judgment, but because sex and relationships are not topics I'd ever previously spoken to him about.
Even though I'm non-monogamous, there are temporary periods, usually about four months, when I'm monogamous. Being non-monogamous adds to my life the ability to feel attraction and connection to a person and pursue it. But attraction and connection with others don't always happen, and sometimes, I want to focus my energy on things other than dating.
Although I wouldn't want to close our relationship forever if, for whatever reason, we decided that non-monogamy was no longer right, there's always an option for us to have a conversation, and if we had to, close it for some time.
Have an interesting personal story about your relationship or marriage? Get in touch with cgriffin@businessinsider.com.