Tatar-Christodoulides ‘chat’: the deal that could have been

Today, GwikiLeaks issued transcripts of hundreds of pages of extraordinary secret conversations between Sonic Christofoolides and Resin Tartar, leaders of the two Cypress communities. These reveal a surprising level of cooperation and friendship between the two, quite contrary to their public image. Below are some exclusive extracts related to negotiations between the two sides.

Sunday, November 5, 2023

“Gunaydin Resin. I hope I am not interrupting.”

“Galimera Sonic. I was having my morning swim but when my red phone rings, I drop everything to talk to you, my friend.”

“Same here Resin, but my hotline phone is blue. Anyway, I think we need to talk about negotiations and how we handle them.”

“The thing is, Sonic, I can’t be seen to be entering into formal negotiations based on a federal solution. I was elected on the basis of a two state solution, remember?”

“I fully understand Resin, but I have to raise my profile and take people’s minds off all these other silly issues like corruption. We need a win-win solution here.”

“Hmm. Is there a way round this? My re-election date is 2025, so that has to take priority, especially with that pesky Twofan Ogreman nipping at my heels.”

“I have been thinking about this Resin, and I have a suggestion. We ask Tony to get us an envoy, preferably a classy and beautiful woman which will help us both with our official photos.”

“Sounds great, but as I said, I can’t actually do this.”

“That’s it, Resin. I understand that perfectly. That’s why this person would be appointed as Tony’s personal envoy, and not as the UN Security Council’s envoy, which means that everything she does is unofficial.”

“Hmm, interesting! I like it. That is a win-win! It will help my image as well! You are a genius, Sonic! Why didn’t I think of that?”

“That’s because you are an accountant and I am a PR man <laughs>… And I know just the person we can have from the UN – her name is Maria something.”

“Tony and Maria, just like West Side Story, my favourite musical” <laughs>.”

“And mine, too <laughs>.”

“So, how about this Maria lady works on the project for six months, Sonic? She can spend time visiting irrelevant countries like Russia and France and then she produces a report which says we have no common ground to talk about.”

“Sounds good Resin. But my election is in 2028, so I need a high-level international role to beef up my profile up until then. So, Tony could take a good few extra months before disclosing Maria’s conclusions?  And then, we start the whole process again?”

“But are you are saying that on the day that Tony officially announces that there is no common ground, say in mid-October 2024, he will also announce that a different envoy will repeat the search for common ground again? Would that not make a nonsense of Maria’s work?”

“Yes, but it sort of makes sense because the new talks will again be informal, and it will be about seeking common ground, not necessarily finding it, if you see what I mean. The second process will also make you look like a statesman and keep Ogreman off you. We can always talk about opening a new crossing point on the border which always sounds impressive. Damn, I just said border, I hope no-one is recording this.”

“Yes, it’s the journey, not the destination that counts. You can rely on me to keep this confidential. If I get re-elected in 2025, you can have my full support for your victory.”

“Likewise. I am so glad we have this hotline Resin. Carrying on with the tradition of discreet collaboration between our great predecessors Papadopulos and Denktash, we can solve all the problems of our country”.

“Well, our two countries, in fact, Sonic”.

Sunday, August 11, 2024

“Well, everything is going according to plan Sonic. Have you thought about what happens to Maria after October? I mean, she will obviously fail?”

“Yes, but Tony has more than 50 undersecretaries. We could ask him to get Rosemary whatsit who visited Cypress in March last year to replace her? What do you think?”

“Yes, she achieved nothing with her Cypress visit, or with Palestine, so she would be perfect! Good luck with the auditor-general by the way. If I were you, I would just keep out of the whole thing.”

“I thank you for your sage advice, Resin. Nobody except you understands how lonely it feels to be president.”

“I agree. Talk soon, my friend, and take care.”

Fahri Zihni is former chair of Council of Turkish Cypriot Associations (UK), a former policy advisor at the UK’s Cabinet Office and a former president of the Society of IT Management, UK