Mum trolls accused me of endangering my baby with my HAIR – they’re just miserable, says Bianca Gascoigne

THROUGHOUT my 20s, I never felt particularly maternal. I was busy pursuing my career and running a nightclub, so motherhood always seemed impossible.

But by the time I turned 36, I was excited to discover I was pregnant. I realised that my baby would now be my main priority – not me.

Although I couldn’t wait for my baby to arrive, pregnancy was difficult.

Up until the birth, I had severe antenatal depression. As someone who’s never had depression before, it came as a huge shock.

I didn’t want to leave the house or see or speak to anyone. I was in a really dark place – I didn’t want to be here.

Alongside all this, I was grappling with the very idea of pregnancy. You’re supposed to feel elated, but it didn’t feel like that to me.

I confided in my mum Sheryl, now 61, that I was scared I wouldn’t bond with the baby.

These thoughts were still circulating in my head as I had my planned caesarean on February 20, 2023, at The Portland Hospital in London.

But, thankfully, it all lifted as soon as my daughter, Blake Sunshine, was placed on my chest.

Everything changed. With my then-partner Arron [Wright] by my side, I felt euphoric.

When we took her home, she surprised us by sleeping through the night, even taking to breastfeeding quickly, which helped the pair of us to bond.

Four months after her birth, I went to New Zealand to film Channel 4’s Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Wins for two weeks.

Looking back now, I’m so proud of doing the show, but with it came a huge sense of “mum guilt” for leaving her so soon.

With no contact at all, it was difficult not hearing how she was doing. Plus, pregnancy hormones were still running through my body.

Although I haven’t yet had any flak about being on the show, I think that’s to come.

There are episodes where I’m teary because of missing Blake Sunshine, so I’m waiting for people to say: “You shouldn’t have left her then!”

But Arron was with her while I was away, along with my mum. Plus, we all have to earn money. When she’s older, I hope she’ll watch me on it and think: “Wow!”

As mums, we’re all trying our best. So, if I get comments on social media about being a “good enough” mum or not, they affect me more than something about my appearance.

In the past, I’ve had comments criticising my hair extensions, saying: “Your long hair will get wrapped around the baby’s fingers!” It’s difficult.

Still, you have to realise that these people aren’t happy, otherwise they wouldn’t be trying to bring another mum down.

You have to realise that these people aren’t happy, otherwise they wouldn’t be trying to bring another mum down

Bianca Gascoigne

Blake Sunshine is 18 months old now, and she’s the cutest. She loves music – she was in my tummy while I was DJing [at events], so that’s probably why.

She’s also saying a few words now.

Arron and I recently split up, but are sharing our time with her.

Though I never wanted to be a single mum, you have to make the best out of the situation, and Blake Sunshine’s happiness comes first.

These days, I feel like a super-mum – my time on Celebrity SAS left me feeling so powerful.

Signs of a good mum

After 12 weeks living with my mum in her little cottage, I’ve now found the right new home for us. You’ll always worry that you’re not doing a good enough job.

At times, I’ll wonder: “Have I played with her enough today? Have I given her the right foods?”

But I realise now, these are the signs of a good mum, because you’re not just worrying about yourself.

For instance, we were recently on a bumpy flight and there was some turbulence. Usually, I wouldn’t bat an eyelid, but I was so worried and upset for Blake Sunshine, I cried!

Saying that, motherhood has also given me loads of inner confidence – deep down, I know I’m doing a great job, so that makes me feel good, too.

I’m also much more comfortable in my own skin now. When my daughter was born, it was like I transformed into a lioness looking after my tiny cub.

Blake Sunshine and I have the strongest bond – it’s the two of us together taking on the world.

• Watch Bianca on Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Wins on Channel4.com/celebrity-sas-who-dares-wins.