I can’t stop having sex with my ex even though he doesn’t want to be with me
DEAR DEIDRE: MY ex has made it clear he doesn’t want to be with me, but I can’t stop having sex with him.
He has a new partner and I know he’s bad news, yet I don’t seem to be able to move on.
I’m 29 and he’s 33. We split up a year ago, but I’m still not remotely over him.
We had a fiery relationship and argued a lot while together.
Arguments were usually resolved by ending up in bed, and the sex was always very intense and exciting.
But we had one row too many, and he said he wanted to move on. I think he already had his eye on another woman.
I was devastated by the split and even more upset when I found out that he had a new girlfriend.
I was bitterly jealous and couldn’t help stalking her social media.
So when he messaged asking to meet up for a drink, I didn’t hesitate.
I knew we would end up in bed and that it was wrong — but I didn’t care. I’d missed him so much.
Since then, we have been having sex regularly. But afterwards, he doesn’t stay the night — he just showers and goes back to his new girlfriend.
I know I’m being used but I can’t resist him. And I also know that if I tell him I don’t want to see him any more, I will be lonely and miserable.
My social life is rubbish, and I live alone.
But I want to stop feeling like this, and instead I want to find true love.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: You’re caught in a vicious cycle. You want to get over this man but you keep on having sex with him, which is preventing you from moving forward with your life.
He is a bit like a drug and, like drugs, you know he’s bad for you. Every time you see him, it’s an act of self-harm.
Read my support pack Addictive Love, which describes the sort of relationship you have with him.
Sadly, you can’t slowly wean yourself off him. You need to go cold turkey. Tell him you can’t meet again. Block him from your phone and social media.
It will be hard but, once you’ve come out the other side, you will feel so much better and free to meet someone new.
You’ll also have time and headspace to get involved in activities where you can make new friends.
Having someone to talk to and lean on while you do this will make you stronger. If you can’t confide in a friend, then think about talking to a counsellor.
My support pack Moving On contains useful advice on how to put him behind you.
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