'Rumours' review: Movie depicts G7 leaders as idiots, and then does it some more

Points should be awarded to “Rumours” for the admirably eccentric idea of combining a political satire in the tradition of “Being There” and “The Death of Stalin” with an ancient burial ground horror movie a la “Pet Sematary” and “The Shining,” but the film never fully commits to either trope. After an initially promising first half-hour, it’s a long and tedious slog to the finish line as we follow a group of paper-thin caricatures who are only mildly interesting and intermittently funny.

The Canadian counterculture filmmaker Guy Maddin re-teams with co-directors Evan Johnson (who wrote the screenplay) and Galen Johnson for this zany, surreal satire that incorporates the G7 summit, a giant brain in the middle of the woods and a swarm of thousand-year-old Zombie Bog People who engage in furious, um, self-gratification, and yes, I meant to type all those words in that order.

“Rumours” takes place against the backdrop of a G7 summit in Dankerode, Germany, where the leaders of the world’s seven wealthiest liberal democracies have gathered for a lively exchange of ideas and bull- - - - and are now prepared to craft a meticulously worded provisional statement on the global crisis. The irony is rich and immediate; these elitist and ineffectual narcissists truly believe the citizens of the world are eagerly awaiting their words of wisdom, even though they have no specific plan or major ideas to advance.

Cate Blanchett, magnificent as always, seamlessly slips into the role of the chancellor of Germany, one Hilda Ortmann, who has a vaguely Angela Merkel-esque persona, with none of the gravitas. Before the Group of Seven gathers for a “working dinner,” in which they’ll pair off in teams like junior high schoolers to work on their essay, Hilda guides them to an open grave on the property that contains a mummified and mutilated body from the Iron Age. “This is an example of what we call bog bodies, or bog people,” says Hilda. “There are many of them scattered around the North Saxony region.” And as we’ve learned from countless movies, it’s best not to dig up old graves and/or build properties on former burial grounds.

As the group settles in for dinner in a gazebo, we learn the theme of this year’s summit is “regret,” and the various boobs around the table voice theirs. Japan’s Prime Minister Tatsuro Iwasaki (Takehiro Hira) laments, “I never learned how to ride a horse,” while Italy’s Prime Minister Antonio Lamorte (Rolando Ravellow) confesses he once dressed up as Mussolini for a party: “I think it’s a funny costume.” This is the kind of Monty Python Lite humor that permeates the film, resulting in a few scattered chuckles.

One of the biggest problems with “Rumors” is that all seven leaders are silly and dimwitted people with simple character traits, e.g., Charles Dance as U.S. President Edison Wolcott has a distinguished and very British accent, just because.

The group also includes:

• Roy Dupuis’ Maxime Laplace, the Canadian prime minister, a hunk with a man-bun who is embroiled in a complex scandal involving “carried interest.”
• French President Sylvain Broulez (Denis Ménochet), a hapless fellow who fancies himself of an expert on those bog people.
• Nikki Amuka-Bird’s Cardosa Dwindt, the Prime Minister of the UK, who once had a tryst with Maxime and wishes he would get over it.

As night falls, the group notices the servers, assistants and photographers have disappeared, and they’re all alone in the suddenly misty and forbidding countryside. They begin to hear disturbing sounds in the distance, and they make rookie horror-movie mistakes, i.e., splitting up as they try to make their way back to civilization. President Wolcott has trouble staying awake, while President Broulez of France sustains a weird injury and must be carted about in a wheelbarrow. The group stumbles upon that aforementioned Giant Brain, which is a metaphor for ... something.

More and more Bog People surface, but they’re uninteresting creatures who remain in the background. And oh, Alicia Vikander shows up as the secretary general of the European Commission, who looks like she has seen a ghost and speaks in a strange tongue that is eventually identified as Swedish.

The Useless Idiots press onward, reciting the declaration of the 1975 Rambouillet Summit as if it’s their Gettysburg Address: “In these three days, we held a searching and productive exchange of views,” and blah blah blah. We hear “Exile” by Enya on the soundtrack, and there are multiple references to a famous lyric by a Canadian rock star. Despite the occasional flashes of inspiration, “Rumours” is essentially a one-idea movie that lampoons pompous and ineffectual politicians in broad fashion, essentially telling the same joke again and again.