From acute winning mentality to being an actual football SCIENTIST, 10 reasons Thomas Tuchel is perfect for England job

Gott in Himmel! A German running the England football team?

What next – an American running English cricket?

That was the immediate wide-spread reaction on social media yesterday when news broke that Bavarian-born Thomas Tuchel had been appointed as England manager.

Much of it doubtless spewed by the same fans who chant ‘Ten German Bombers’ at England matches to the tune of She’ll Be Coming Round The Mountain – ending with the line, ‘There were no German bombers in the air…’cause the RAF from England shot them down!’

Watch Piers’ explosive interviews on his Uncensored YouTube channel here

That chant’s going to be a tad #awks now we have an actual German in charge of the team.

I don’t buy into the absurd Little Englander mentality that only an Englishman can manage the England football team.

I only care about having someone who can win us the trophy we’ve all been craving since the World Cup glory of 1966.

And I believe we now have the right man to do it in this intense, charming, virtually tee-total perfectionist who speaks five languages, loves hip-hop (he was once a barman in a hip-hop club) and crime thrillers, and considers himself an ‘imperfect vegetarian.’

Here are ten reasons why I’m sold on Thomas Tuchel:

1. NO SELF-DOUBT

He desperately wanted the job and has chilling self-belief in his confidence to do it successfully.

Compare and contrast with what current stand-in manager Lee Carsley said: ‘This job deserves a world-class coach who has won trophies and been there and done it. I’m still on the path to doing that.’

Weak, weak, weak. You’re 50 years old, Lee – if you don’t back yourself for a big job now, you’ll never be up to it.

Thankfully, Herr Tuchel has no such self-doubt.

2. HE KNOWS WHAT IT TAKES

He’s a winner of multiple major trophies at some of the world’s biggest clubs. Nine in total, including League titles in Germany (with Bayern Munich) and France (with Paris Saint-Germain), and a Champions League with Chelsea where he brilliantly out-smarted Manchester City’s mercurial genius Pep Guardiola in the final.

Tuchel knows what it takes to get over the line for silverware in tournament football, something Gareth Southgate repeatedly failed to do at the last hurdle.

3. LOVE FOR ENGLAND

Setting aside the fact that he speaks more eloquent and articulate English than half our team of actual Englishmen, Tuchel loves England.

‘He’s an avowed Anglophile,’ German football journalist Raphael Honigstein told talkSPORT.

‘He loves English football, loves English players and has a real passion for English football. I think he sees himself as somebody that can take a team that’s come close that one decisive step further and deliver the trophy and become a German hero in England. I think that has a special kind of fascination for him.’ Love that.

4. UNIQUE TRAINING

He’s a football science graduate, inspired by an actual German scientist, Professor Wolfgang Schollhorn, who preaches the power of disruptive tactics designed to compel students to find new solutions to problems.

‘If we want to have extraordinary performance, we need to train extraordinarily!’ is Schollhorn’s mantra, and Tuchel applies that to his training sessions, making players do mad things like making them hold tennis balls during defensive drills to keep unnecessary fouling in check, deliberately pushing their buttons to wind them up so that by match day they’re prepared for any eventuality. It works.

5. HE’S PASSIONATE

He’s temperamental, especially when it comes to his executive bosses. Tuchel was a self-confessed pain in the a**e as a player and has been exactly the same as a manager, because he hates losing. Good.

I like fire, passion and a burning desire to win in my managers. Southgate, bless him, was always a bit too nicey-nicey.

6. SURROUNDED BY STARS

Tuchel’s used to working with the world’s biggest stars like Neymar, Mbappe, and Messi. That’s why he’ll have no fear working with our home-grown superstars like Jude Bellingham, Phil Foden, or Harry Kane who loved his time with him at Bayern.

We need someone who can get the best out of our brilliant squad of players, something that again, Southgate never quite managed.

7. NO SCANDALS TO COME

Tuchel’s already got his sex scandals out of the way. 

Unlike the late, great but very randy Sven-Goran Eriksson, it’s very unlikely he’ll be using the job as a casting couch for new lovers.

Thomas’s marriage ended in 2022 amid feverish dressing room rumours of an affair, but he’s now happily ensconced with the woman involved, a beautiful Brazilian named Natalie Max, 13 years his junior. She should keep his eyes from wandering.

8. AN INTENSE, OBSESSIVE PERFECTIONIST

‘Never underestimate the power of preparation,’ he once said, ‘it is the most crucial aspect of success.’

Tuchel will be all over every tiny detail of getting his players ready for winning tournaments, from their diet to their video game habits.

9. HE’S NUTS, IN A GOOD WAY

Former Arsenal star Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang, who played under him at Borussia Dortmund, said: ‘He’s one of the best coaches that I’ve had. He’s someone a bit crazy, a bit like Guardiola, they play with the same spirit. He likes to keep the ball with a style of play that likes to see the ball move forward, no matter what happens.’

England need that more attacking mentality to unleash our exciting talent.

10. A FIERCE MOTIVATOR

At Mainz, during a bike tour up a mountain, Tuchel buried the club badge and told the youth team that if they reached the U19 Bundesliga final, he would retrieve it.

‘We all had goosebumps,’ recalled one of those players, Konstantin Fring. ‘We would have killed someone for him. We wanted to win so much. And we did.’

Tuchel later retrieved the badge.

So, if he takes the England team on a bike ride and buries the three lions’ badge, we’ll know what’s going to happen at the 2026 World Cup. 

Es kommt nach Hause!