Harriette Cole: The other moms say my plan for my teen is too harsh
DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m the mother of a 16-year-old daughter who loves shopping and frequently goes out with her friends to the mall, the movies and various other places.
Up until now, I’ve always paid for her extra experiences, whether that’s her shopping sprees, lunches or outings with her friends.
Financially, I can afford all of these things without issue, so it hasn’t been a problem to cover her extra spending. However, I’ve recently been thinking that maybe it’s time for her to get a part-time job and start learning to budget her own money for her personal spending.
I want her to understand the value of hard work and how to manage her finances responsibly before she goes off to college or becomes more independent.
The tricky part is that some of my friends think I’m being too harsh. They’ve told me that if I can afford to support her financially, I should continue to do so, allowing her to enjoy her teenage years without the pressure of having to work.
Am I being unreasonable or too strict by expecting her to start contributing toward her spending?
— Teen in Training
DEAR TEEN IN TRAINING: Your instincts are on point! Yes, your daughter should begin to learn the value of a hard-earned dollar. It is so easy to spend money without recognizing how hard it is to make it.
Encourage her to work, save and budget what she has. With the money you give her, establish a weekly or monthly cap, and tell her she will need to learn to manage that money until the next installment. Talk to her about spending and saving.
Use this as a learning opportunity, not a punishment.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband passed away from cancer 2½ years ago. His death was devastating for me and my two daughters, who are now 12 and 15.
In the time since his passing, I’ve done everything I can to support my girls through their grief while also trying to heal myself.
About six months ago, after much thought and consideration, I decided to go on a date with a former co-worker I’ve always gotten along with. We hit it off, and we’ve been seeing each other ever since.
He’s kind, supportive and understanding of my situation as a widow, which has been a huge comfort for me.
While I had been cautious about introducing him to my daughters, I felt that after six months of dating, the time had come to take that step. However, the introduction didn’t go as well as I’d hoped.
When they met him for the first time last week, my daughters were incredibly rude and distant, barely speaking to him. Afterward, they told me they were upset, accusing me of trying to “replace” their dad.
They were angry and hurt, and the whole encounter left me feeling deeply conflicted. How can I help my daughters accept this new chapter without making them feel like I’m disrespecting their father?
— Turning the Page
DEAR TURNING THE PAGE: Talk to your daughters about life today. As much as you miss their dad, he is gone, and all of you have to continue to live your lives. Dating someone is not disrespecting their dad’s memory; it is living.
Be patient yet firm with them. Eventually, they will have to accept that you are a woman who deserves a relationship. It may take time, though.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.