Marin Voice: Taking a closer look at emotional development of boys

I still remember Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz’s son in tears as his dad accepted the VP nomination at the Democratic National Convention in August.

Many people I know were moved. Others derided it online. Few were aware that his son also has some neurological challenges, but even without that awareness, the different responses were telling. In the Walz family, tears are totally acceptable. For many in our country though, boys “just shouldn’t cry.”

There is a normative belief of many that when boys cry it reveals weakness. Some see it as “too feminine.” An adolescent boy who cries publicly is often subject to shaming by male peers.

It’s potentially fatal for a political candidate. In response to a hateful fake letter, 1972 presidential candidate Edmund Muskie cried publicly and that contributed to his loss. In the normative male culture, androgyny is looked down on, despite the evidence that men who have a balance of male- and female-associated characteristics are psychologically healthier.

Toxic rules of masculinity continue to dominate. Boys are taught both explicitly and implicitly to not display emotions that are seen as showing weakness. This pressure to repress emotions means they won’t develop the ability to experience, name and express them. Over time, this can be destructive. Many women know that, as they seek openness in a mate, they find a barrier. This can also be painful for a male whose emotional conditioning has resulted in a loss of the ability to be whole and to be close.

I leave remedying the latter to therapists who frequently deal with this in couple’s therapy. My interest is in cutting this off at the pass in how we raise boys. Since modeling behavior is critical in the process, as is guidance from adults, parents and teachers should pay attention.

“Monkey see, monkey do” is especially important for young boys. When there’s a male in the household, the way he interacts with the boy’s mom has a profound effect on a young boy. Does he ever see his father or any other older male in the home cry or express vulnerability? Does that male have a nonpunitive empathic response to the boy crying? Does he help teach the boy that expressing feelings can better help him connect to other boys and girls?

Importantly, the earliest interactions of a father with an infant male play a critical role in that boy’s development. There is extensive research revealing that emotionally available and physically warm fathers spending quality time with their infant sons correlates with higher IQ and achievement in these boys as well as with healthier emotional development.

Even given this early emotional support to his development, a boy may face emotional barriers as a young male. The expression of strong positive emotions, however healthy, is still frequently suspect among peers.

Perhaps effective modeling by celebrities who boys revere can help. I thought of this while doing research for a forthcoming column on the internationally beloved performer Bruce Springsteen. “The Boss,” as he’s called, had a deep bond with the late Clarence Clemons, his gifted saxophonist, and displayed this quite openly. He talked frequently about his love and deep connection with his friend.

For some of Springsteen’s fans, this may have created incredible dissonance, as the Boss himself acknowledged. For others though, it may have been a gift that offered permission for them to feel and express similar positive emotions.

Prominent public figures are still less important than parents, but when they express positive feelings they model that for young males – which brings me back to the Walz story. Given this impact, the fact that Walz can be emotionally open and still be greatly liked by what may be a majority of the electorate may also be a sign of a hopeful and significant cultural shift.

At the very least, that supportive moment with his son provided very public and highly publicized modeling for parents.

If this does represent some cultural change, it can only be very good news for this next generation of young men. It can certainly increase the odds that they will face fewer barriers and challenges to their healthy emotional and intellectual development.

Mark Phillips of Woodacre is a professor emeritus of education at San Francisco State University.