My man asked me to quit my job to become a stay-at-home girlfriend at 23 – chores took over my life, then he dumped me

KNEADING dough in her spotless kitchen, Kendel Kay swished her bob and smiled at the camera on her phone.

Later, she uploaded her baking video to  TikTok for her 500,000 followers with the caption: “POV: You chose the soft life & let your man take care of the finances so you can rest in your feminine energy  & spend all day in the kitchen.”

The clip, posted in July 2023, racked up 1 million views and more than 1,500 comments – the majority from swooning female followers declaring “goals” and calling her a “lifestyle queen”.

Spending hours in the kitchen was normal for Kendel – in 2021, she moved 3,000 miles to be with her boyfriend of just a few weeks, leaving behind her successful modelling career to become a “stay-at-home girlfriend”.

Her boyfriend Luke Lintz, now 25 and CEO of a PR company worth millions, paid their rent, bills and for their glam getaways, while Kendel cleaned, cooked  his meals and shared glimpses of her “idyllic” life online.

Now, however, Kendel is single, and admits she grew deeply unhappy with the life so many young women aspire to.

In fact, when the relationship ended in November 2023, she found  herself in the grips of an identity crisis – and living off savings, having sacrificed her financial independence. 

“It’s definitely risky to enter this lifestyle if you don’t have a safety net to fall back on,” she says.

“The loss of independence was the worst thing for me. It’s so fragile  to rely on another human being like that.”

An off-shoot of the trad-wife trend, stay-at-home girlfriends have become prolific on social media – the phrase brings up 37.3 million results on TikTok, while the acronym SAHG generates 34 million. 

I’d make him breakfast then do a long skincare routine and chores

Kendel

Glossy videos show glam women tidying, cooking, working out and engaging in complex skincare rituals, prompting many followers to declare the lifestyle their “dream”.

However, critics have labelled the trend anti-feminist and dangerous, warning it promotes a potentially unhealthy power dynamic in which the woman is dependent on her partner for all financial matters – and not entitled to any support or division of assets after a split. 

Kendel, who posts as @Kendelkay on TikTok, was 23 and working as an OnlyFans model and social media marketeer when she met Luke on holiday in Mexico in 2021.

The pair instantly clicked, and at the end of the trip Luke asked Kendel to travel to his home in Puerto Rico to live with him.

“My schedule was flexible and I wanted to be with him, so the decision to move was easy, even though I’d only known  him a matter of weeks,” Kendel says. 

She gave up the lease on her shared flat to relocate to Luke’s two-bed beachside townhouse, and they became a couple.

“My family weren’t surprised –  I’ve always been adventurous,” Kendel says. “They might have thought I was crazy, but nobody said anything to my face.

“Luke was providing financially for me from the start. He would pay for dinners, international travel, and any joint expenses such as groceries, meals and taxis.

“But when it came to personal luxuries, like manicures and clothes, I would buy those myself,  as I was still earning from my OnlyFans and marketing work, plus I had savings.”

Around six months into their relationship, Luke asked her  to quit OnlyFans.

Kendel believes he had insecurities about her modelling work. “I agreed, as he was earning a lot more and  liked to provide for me,” she says.

Soon, Kendel’s days revolved around “self-care and caring” for Luke, who  gave her a credit card. “I would make  him coffee and breakfast, then do a long skincare routine and chores, then a workout.

“I’d also make us dinner.  Friends and family just assumed I was still working. I’d always hoped to be a stay-at-home mum one day, and it felt like things were heading along that path,” she explains.

In 2022, Kendel began making social media videos about her life, with titles  including: “When people say to get a job but I’m literally just a girl,” getting millions of views.

“My videos went viral. Some women were supporting me, saying they wish  they could live like I was, and others were saying what I was doing was dumb.”

I started to feel restricted, like I was being kept in a box

Kendel

Relationship coach and psychotherapist Susie says that while the lure of a “pre-paid” home and lifestyle can be enticing, it can come at a high cost.

“Lack of financial independence is a common theme in coercive control and  is part of the checklist for signs of domestic abuse in a relationship,” she explains. “Dependency can cause issues with self-esteem and self-worth.”

There’s no suggestion Luke was abusive or controlling. However, Kendel admits that after a while, the allure did begin to fade. 

“The chores took over my whole life. I couldn’t leave the house for more than a few hours – it was like taking care of a child,” she says. “I started to feel restricted, like I was being kept in a box.”

By summer 2023, Kendel felt deeply unhappy. “I was working harder in our   relationship than I used to outside of it, and without getting an income.

“I didn’t  feel I had as much financial freedom as when I was single. Luke was busy working, so when he spent time with  me, I enjoyed it, but when we were  apart I’d feel resentful.”

It’s escapism from the stressful, overwhelming real world

Rachel Luke, founder of Rachel Luke Digital Marketing

In November 2023, Luke and Kendel agreed on a temporary separation, during which she went to California to visit family. She says that, while she was there, he broke up with her over the phone. 

“I think he realised we were both unhappy. It was hard to hear, but there was a part of me that felt relieved I could feel free again,” Kendel says. 

“I stayed with family for two weeks afterwards, then rented my own place again. Thankfully, I still had savings, but it was a painful time and I had to readjust to being me and providing for myself.”

Other former stay-at-home girlfriends have spoken out about how they were left homeless, penniless and with huge gaps in their CVs that make it difficult to get a job after a relationship split. 

As American vlogger Ari Luu, 29, whose SAHG relationship ended in October after three years, said on her podcast Delusional Daydreams: “I have no car, I have no job, I have no money.

“I was put in this position to stay at home, be taken care of, and really  be the support system for my partner. And by doing so, I gave away everything I had. And now, I am absolutely left with nothing.”

Rachel Luke, founder of Rachel Luke Digital Marketing, believes the online fascination with SAHGs is linked to a desire for escapism.

“We watch this content to fantasise about how good it would be to have nothing else to do other than look good and make the house gorgeous, with money no object,” she explains. 

“To many of us, it seems easier to achieve than our lives balancing work, social life, side hustles, friendships and family obligations.

“We don’t think deeper on the content and what it would be like to actually live that life – we just think how wonderful it would be to  get our hair done every week, buy new things daily and spend hours putting on make-up.

“It’s escapism at its finest and reflects the state of the world we currently live in, which can feel stressful and overwhelming.”

Millie*, 27, from Essex, also found herself experiencing the  dark side of SAHG life 18 months into her relationship.

“When I met Daniel*, 28, at a bar one night in summer 2022, I was feeling lost.

“Since graduating from drama school two years before, I hadn’t been sure what I wanted to do and I’d been working temporary jobs, living in a friend’s spare room for cheap rent and envying my friends who were climbing the  career ladder and settling down.”

I hadn’t made dinner that day – he shouted at me, saying it was my job

Millie

Millie and Daniel, who worked for a bank, dated for six months before he asked her to move into the luxury flat he owned in London.

“Friends thought it was really soon, but I said ‘yes’ without hesitation. Why wouldn’t I want to live in  a beautiful home, rent-free, with a charming, fun guy?”

At first, Millie contributed to bills, while Daniel paid the mortgage and treated them to meals out, often whisking her away for romantic weekends in Europe.

“It was like a dream, I couldn’t believe I’d got so lucky,” she  says. A year into their relationship, Daniel suggested Millie quit  her receptionist job.

“He insisted he earned enough for both of us and, although  I resisted at first, because I’d been raised by a feminist mother, the prospect of being a SAHG was too tempting.

“Daniel worked long hours and  I filled my days with the gym, cleaning, shopping and cooking, and meeting friends for coffee who were envious of my ‘kept woman’ lifestyle. 

“I’m close to my mum, who lives abroad, but didn’t tell her  I’d quit my job, as I knew she wouldn’t approve.”

Daniel gave Millie a credit card, but she says that the novelty soon began to wear off.

“At first, it was exciting to go into a shop and buy whatever I wanted, but a voice in my head kept saying that I was no longer his equal and I hadn’t worked for these treats,” she remembers.

Millie admits she also felt bored and lonely. “Daniel was always at work, and I felt I couldn’t complain as he was paying the mortgage and bills. 

“I had nothing interesting to talk about with friends –  all I did was exercise, do the laundry and cook.

“One evening in December 2023, Daniel came home from work and asked what was for dinner, but I hadn’t made anything. I’d been feeling low that day and had spent it lying on the sofa, ignoring the washing and dishes, too.

“He was really cross, shouting that it was my ‘job’. It made me realise that he’d begun to see me as employed staff.

“I felt really small and realised I’d walked into this unhealthy dynamic. I needed to live my own life again, and not be beholden to anyone because they were paying for me.

“Daniel and I broke up, and I moved back into my friend’s spare room. I got a job in a bar, earning £11.44 an hour, but instead of feeling sorry for myself, I felt relieved I had my self-respect.

“I’m  in a new relationship now, too, and we split everything 50/50.”

Millie admits she still watches SAHG content on social media  –  but far from being envious, she worries what’s really going on behind the scenes. 

“I wonder if they are really happy?” she says. “I know I wasn’t.” 

• *Names have been changed