I know my prisoner ex is bad news but I can’t stop thinking about him – I’m obsessed
DEAR DEIDRE: ALTHOUGH I know my prisoner ex is bad news, I can’t stop thinking about him.
I’m obsessed, and would do anything to get him back, even though he treated me badly and hurt me.
I’m 40 and he’s 48. I started writing to him in prison during the lockdowns, when I was lonely after the break-up of my marriage.
He was so funny and interesting that I quickly fell for him.
Then I started visiting him, and our time together was magical.
I don’t know exactly what he did, but it must have been bad because he’s a lifer – he’s already done 15 years in jail.
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I told him I would wait for him to be released, so we could be together properly. I said he could move in with me.
But our relationship grew toxic. He became very jealous and paranoid.
Then I found out he was writing to other women and we split.
I was devastated.
One night I went out with some friends and ended up having a one-night stand with a man I met in a bar.
I missed my ex and started writing again.
He kept asking me if there was anyone else while we were apart.
Eventually, I confessed.
I thought he’d understand but he dumped me and called me a whore.
It’s been six months and I still cry myself to sleep.
Why do I miss him so much?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: You miss him for the same reason you fell for him in the first place – you sound lonely and dissatisfied with your life.
Perhaps writing to a prisoner felt thrilling and, ironically, “safer” than a relationship with someone outside, because you weren’t able to be together fully.
But it turned toxic.
Rationally, you know you’re better off without him. But emotionally, you’re still stuck.
My support pack, Addictive Love, will help you to understand your obsession with him.
Another support pack, Raising Self-Esteem, could also help.
Talk to a counsellor about your feelings so that you can get past this and move forward.